So I was thinking about many things today, one that caught my mind was the way people are always telling me how bad they feel that I married a drug addict and ended up as a single mom, well I don't! I don't feel bad at all (I did feel like a complete idiot because I did not know he was on drugs when I met him and it was just so obvious he was on them now that I look back), you may now ask why I don't feel bad about the whole situation, sure I have a daughter with him who he has not seen in almost a year and a half and who does not really know him, I am raising her by myself when is supposed to be different, but I still don't feel bad about it, because I learned a lot from all of this.
First thing I learned was about drugs themselves, it is amazing how much a drug addict knows about drugs, any drugs, how they interact with other drugs, with alcohol, what they do, how they make you feel why they make you feel like that, how they work in your body to get the response that the drug was created for, etc. and to tell you the truth it can come very handy to have someone that knows about all this stuff, when? you may ask, well, I suffer from migraine headaches, they are awful! anyone that has ever had a migraine know that is one of the worst pains in the world, when I was almost 9 months pregnant I got a realy bad migraine and the doctors could not give me anything other than tylenol (anyone that has had a migraine knows that tylenol does absolutely nothing for it) well my walking pharmacist that I had as a husband at that time decided to tell me that the last time I had one of those migraines (before I was pregnant) and ended up in the hospital the doctor had send me some narcotics for my migraines according to my private pharmacist, the drugs that were sent to me that time were a mixture of an anti-inflammatory and caffeine, so a coke (the beverage not the drug) and an anti-inflammatory over the counter drug would do the trick, guess what? it did!!! (yes we consulted with the doctor before taking any over the counter medicine that was not tylenol) so guess what? from then on anytime I have a migraine or I feel one that is trying to kick in I take 2 advils and drink a coke and it goes away, amazing huh?
Second thing, after moving about 6 or 7 different times in approximately six months and slowly losing the things that were either given to us or having him pawned the things we owned so that he could get money for drugs, all of a sudden everything else that happened in your life has a different meaning, you learn to value memories because everything that you have that is physical and has some sort of value is gone, all you have is the picture of that thing he sold for drugs in your head lol, I know appreciate more a good memory with my family and would pay anything to have a good memory with them than to get them a something that may break later, get lost, sold or forgotten somewhere, memories don't ever leave your mind, even if you become totally insane somewhere in your head those memories will exist, no one can take them away, ever! and I am glad that I learned that, it has made me appreciate life in a different way, yes you need money in order to live and in order to have the things you need for every day life, but no you don't need to spend money on a boat that you are going to have to work extra hours just so that you can pay for it, or a big house so that each of your kids can have a room (guess what? your kids won't care about that, they'd rather see you smile everyday than be grumpy cause you have to work extra hours tomorrow so that you can keep paying that big house you don't really need) so yeah I am glad I can see life this way, now don't get me wrong, I do have goals for myself, I do want certain things but I am now not rushing to get them, I am less stressed out about getting those things and I know that because I'd rather create a memory than buy a brand new car I can stop myself and take a break from what I have to do to reach my goals and actually enjoy the little things that happen all around, and trust me is a lot better than what I was doing before...
Third, mmm well this one is a little more personal, I decided to study what I am studying thanks to him, you have no idea how a drug addict can manipulate you, how much power they can have on you, how many lies they can put together, and how much they all act the same, drugs have like a special effect on people that abuse them, it makes them all the same, they seem to think the exact same way, so I got interested in psychology, at first I wanted to study Child Psychology and work in the school system, as a counselor or teacher, but then I took this Personality class, and that just changed my mind completely, I wanted to know more about human behavior, not just for children but also for adults, especially criminals, so I decided I will go more towards Criminal Psychology, then I found out all the really cool jobs one can get with a degree on that, so guess what? is even more exciting for me, now he was not the only one that inspired me for all this, my dad did too, how? you may ask, well believe it or not there were many similarities between my father and my ex-husband, and that got me thinking even more, because my dad does not do drugs, so why where these two people so different yet acted in a similar manner? I still have to figure that out but maybe that will become a good subject to research in the future (and yes I have looked at their behavior and it is very similar, their personalities are, maybe is true what they say that one ends up marrying someone that reminds them of their mother or father lol).
Fourth, after you live with a drug addict and you find out that they are doing drugs and they go to rehab but they decide that they will lie about the whole rehab thing (yes he did that too) you become more aware of what they tell you, and you remember everything they say, because the story they will tell you on Monday will be repeated on Tuesday with a little twist to it :), I can definitely say that I have become a little bit of a human lie detector lol, yeap, it is so amazing how much you can learn from someone constantly lying to you, their stories never add up because people never remember a lie but the person that was told the lie has the power to remember it, so guess what? now I can tell when someone is lying and I don't even have to ask them to repeat the story another day, people that lie have this energy to them is hard to explain but once you have been around a liar, you can spot most liars in a heartbeat!
Fifth, with him I also learned to accept things the way they are, if I don't like them after I accept them I can change them, (this is actually true) a drug addict cannot stop consuming drugs until he or she has accepted that he or she is an addict, that also applies for everyone else, you cannot change what is wrong with your life if you don't first accept that something is wrong with it, what??? ok here is an example, I was still together with him and I was telling the world how good things were, how perfect things were, and I was denying that he was still taking drugs, to me he was clean, I did not wanted to accept that the family I always wanted was being destroyed by something I could not control, so it was not until I accepted that living in a rented room with my husband, having practically no food, no phone and weighting 85 pounds while breastfeeding my child while he made enough money to feed the three of us was absolutely not the way that a family was supposed to be, I mean if you are making enough money to pay for an apt and good food and still have enough to save but somehow out of the 5000 dollars a month that come in, you only see 1000 and instead of things getting better they keep getting worse, things still are being pawned, food that is given to us is exchanged for less expensive food so that it can last a little longer and still you end up having to control every single bite of food you eat and there are days of the months where all you eat is cheerios and milk there is definately something wrong with that picture, once I accepted it and accepted that the only person that could make a change in my life and my daughter's life was myself, I made the call to change myself, and I did, and no matter how hard it was to deal with a person that could not accept that something was wrong (cause I had to deal with him for months) I knew I would continue to get better, and I did, I had help of course but I got better, I went back to school, I sort of made a new list for my goals, and I have been reaching them little by little, after that I also became too honest, I tend to say things just how I see them or how they are (which can get me in trouble, so now I have also learned to keep quiet and think before words come out of my mouth or are written to anyone most of the time it works, I mean I am still human, especially when one is angry about something).
Another one of the things I learned and one that everyone should learn is to trust myself, I learned again that the little voice inside you, whether you want to call it intuition or you want to say is God talking to you, that voice is always warning you and if you trust it and turn where you are told you should turn that road will take you where you want to be, and with no stops, so now no matter how crazy an idea seems, I follow it, and somehow things come out just the right way, which is pretty interesting (maybe one day I will figure out how all that works).
So now you might say wow... that is a crazy perspective, others might say how much positivism from something that was so negative, but I say to myself, how can I be negative about the situation that allow me to become what I always wanted to become, a mom! (even though my dad and stepmom say I never wanted children, which is not true, I always wanted them but I had my own ideas on how they were going to come to the world), which is the best job in the world, and the one that is the most rewarding, no matter how tired I am at the end of the day, no matter how many times my child does something that frustrates me, seeing a little one grow, watching them learn every day and having them look at you and tell you they love you and you being their hero, the one that to them knows it all, the one that protects them and they can always count on; her presence will never let me see the situation as negative, because my baby girl brings only positive things to my life and that is enough for me to look at all this the way I do.
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