Every night for the past few weeks I've been crying myself to sleep, I have no idea why I feel so down, but I'm to the point where I'm mentally and physically exhausted.
I used to always say that life is complicated because we humans make it complicated, lately though I've been thinking that maybe it is truly complicated.
My mind has been torn into two, ugh what am I talking about! It's actually been torn into three parts: the logical, the instinctual and one that was never there before: the emotional. Cool it would be if only two where battling against each other like it usually happens, the logical part of my brain would tell me to not spend more money than I should because then it would be more difficult to pay bills while the instinctual part would be saying don't worry because in the end it will all work out for the best and follow your gut, do you think this is ok? If so, then go for it!
Now I got one more, the emotional one, the one full of fear of everything, full of doubt, full of impatience. And unfortunately for me that one is winning! So what do I do? How do I get back to getting rid of that one last part that does not belong?
It used to be that I could make myself switch that off, I could just say hey! You need to stop, emotions are just chemicals released in the brain and the only emotion I want to feel is happiness so anything else please move on, but now I can't find my happy place, I feel completely useless and an utter failure.
But have I really failed? How do we all know when we are failing at life? How do we not know that maybe the path we thought was the wrong one was actually the one that we were supposed to take anyway, that we did not failed but just learned a lesson?
Many times I have felt extremely happy on my own, don't get me wrong I enjoy being around people but I enjoy my solitude just as much or even more. But now I feel like I'm missing something, maybe I am channeling someone else's feelings maybe the fact that I'm just extremely exhausted has allowed that emotional side to completely take over and make my life a living hell!
Lately I feel like I can't love people the way I used to, it saddens me really because I know that those I love deserve all the good positive thoughts I have always had available and now I have none, it's like I've ran out...
Then there is him, maybe is him that is making me this way, maybe having a closer friendship with someone was not such a great idea after all, but now I love him, purely, all I want is for him to be happy and I know I can't make him happy, right now even if I tried, I could not make anyone happy, I need to make myself happy, he needs to make himself happy and in the end we might just end up being the best friends ever that have a trust and respect and a pure love for each other that no one else would be able to take away or maybe one day, maybe real soon he will get bored and leave and then come back to say hi every once in a while like all the rest, no girlfriend so let's call her, see how she is doing, I love her but I am to not be in her life, that's what they all tell themselves or maybe the love I thought they had was just part of my imagination... Who knows!!!
So is it life really complicated? Is it truly hard? Do we know really what we are doing? Do we know for sure whether we have real love for another? Do we really know that we truly love someone and that they love us? Do we ever get to find out whether or not we are on the right path? Is the path we think as the wrong path maybe truly the correct path? How do we know whether we have failed or not? Do we really fail if we learn a lesson after the said mistake?
My brain can't take it anymore, all I ask is for a little strength to get up and find my light again... I feel like I've lost it somewhere and I don't know where to find it, nor do I know where to start looking for it... Just a little strength to find my light again, that's all I ask for... Just a little to keep me going because I feel like I can't go on anymore...
No comments:
Post a Comment