It's kind of hard to get yourself together when you have so many people around you that are counting on you, that see you as something that you don't really feel you are at the moment.
It is even more annoying not having the time to actually heal from past wounds and at the same time have new ones being caused on you.
It can be extremely hard finding yourself as the person everyone needs to go to for advice and yet not feeling like you are able to put your things together.
Some say life is messy, it is possible though that we make it messy. It is possible that as we go through life we busy ourselves with so many things and then forget that there are things that needed more of our attention.
Other times we want to trust people, give them a second chance because a part of you felt like that was the right thing to do, and then those people turn around and do what they did before but three times worse than before. Then life gets messy, but it was not messy, it got messy because you trusted and unfortunately you cannot go through life with distrust. We all need to have some level of trust of others, but unfortunately even when we trust the bare minimum we can still get hurt, we can get burned.
I can always count on my good friend karma to come to the rescue when things like that happen to me, when people that are given a second chance just completely turn around and mess up again, when I make life messy because I keep on trusting and giving the second chances.
And when that happens, when that blow comes towards you, it is easy to distrust, to lose faith and to thing that life is messy, that is not that life is made messy but people but that it is naturally messy. It's hard to remind ourselves that human beings are the ones that are naturally selfish and that because of that they tend to make this life messy. That our own selfishness is what causes us to not live in peace and tolerance of others, because it is our selfishness that makes us stubborn and unwilling to see when we have made a mistake.
But life is is about having faith that even when you have created a mess or someone has brought mess into your life that as long as you leave that selfish part of you to the side that you will be able to see how life has a way of cleaning things up and making them right, rather than making them even messier.
It takes a while to see it, it takes a while to start to trust again in something bigger, something you cannot see or have proof of its existence, some people don't even get there, but I think that if we just put our trust in humans, just in ourselves... The ones that are constantly making mistakes and that half the time don't even know what the hell they want. Those who hurt with words and actions, the ones that come in to your life to hurt you and then leave, the ones who say they will do certain things and then either do the opposite or do nothing at all and end up breaking promises.
Why would I ever trust in people, in the selfishness of people? There are very few that are not like that and those are really hard to find, I wish they weren't but keeping to themselves is the only way they won't get as hurt.
Those that are not as selfish are the loners, the ones that don't ask for anything when they help others, the ones that don't want the glory after helping someone, the ones that don't throw it in their faces after having helped someone... They are hard to find because they don't fit in the world we live in, it is easier for them to get hurt because they want to see the good in people. Eventually they tend to close themselves up and not say much, the war against the ones that hurt turns into a pointless thing, it becomes a waste of energy because the reality is that there are more selfish people than there are unselfish ones.
So I trust and have faith that there is something greater than humans, that there is one thing that we don't understand or see, that helps those who have been intentionally and undeservingly hurt. Maybe it does not really exist, maybe because I can't find proof I am irrational in believing in it but we are all irrational. We believe in someone we don't know only because they have a title, we believe in pictures even though they can be easily manipulated, we believe and trust in our family because we think that they will always have our best interest at heart. All of it is irrational, we have no reason to trust, we don't know if they are lying or not, we never know if they are plotting something, we don't know their intentions, we can never really know who they are, yet we trust in them only because we can see them.
So why not trust in something that is all good and that has our best interest at its hands even when we don't see that what has happened is actually good for us at the moment that it happens. Why not create it? why not just believe in its existence and give myself some hope that all of it has a purpose, because if it doesn't have one then why do it?
I wish people were different, I wish that everyone could live in peace and harmony. I wish there were less bad and more good done for everyone's sake, but that is something I might not get to see in this particular plane of existence, all I can really do is change myself and accept that I can't change the world.
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