In the end everything is alright...

Ohh the uncertainties of life...
Life is amazing and painful all at the same time, it comes with ups and downs, sometimes though it seems like there are more downs than ups and that is usually because it is in our nature to focus on the downs, because somehow we think that focusing on the downs we will be able to get the ups faster and be able to keep the ups around longer. I mean we are creatures that learn from their mistakes (usually if we are smart enough). Naturally when we burn ourselves for the first time we try to not do what we did the time we burned ourselves a second time. We learn from the mistake and by thinking about what we did wrong we in turn avoid getting hurt again.
But that's not how everything in life works. We live in a world where we are not in control of anything (I have written this before), we are at the mercy of not only our decisions but the decisions that others make. The idea that everything will be alright in the end is our idea of hope, it is the idea that even when we do make a mistake and we get burned eventually the burn will heal and we will grow new skin and then everything will be ok. It is our idea of faith, whether you believe it is the work of a supreme being or the work of just how things flow naturally in the universe.
Lately I've been repeating those words to myself because lately I have been feeling that everything is not going to be alright, that things are falling apart and because I can't see past a few steps from where I am standing and because I don't have a full picture of the puzzle of my life, I am not able to see the outcome of it, I can't see the how the pieces fit or what part of the picture they are making. And that is why we get anxious... Because we want to see the final picture, we want to see the puzzle put together, we want to rush it and not wait the time we need to wait in order to see it form, it is one of our greatest faults: our inability to be patient, especially after a period when everything was falling into place, or it seemed like it was and then something sudden changes and it either stops the flow for a little bit or some of the pieces that were given to you are taken away.
So what do we have then? All we can really do is hope... For me I have had to go back and see how my life has unfolded, from the moment I moved to this country, leaving the people I loved the most and that would always protect me no matter what and ending up with an abusive father who I thought I knew but it turned out I didn't.
Then I see myself ending up with a drug addicted husband, and ending up with a 9 month old baby living in a room with no phone, no internet, no way of communicating with anyone and at the mercy that my husband would not get too high so that he would remember that he had to come back and get us so we could eat because we also did not have food in our fridge...
I go back to all those times and I think to myself: hell I have been through a lot worse than what I am going through right now, and back then all I had to do was listen to that little voice inside which ended up guiding me to better things... I listened to that voice and I was able to get out of that room and was able to see my baby grow, and to keep her with me during those first years of live.
I remember when I had lost a job that was covering my expenses and how after I lost it I had no where to go, and then I remember when I worried the most all I had to do was try and keep quiet and just listen to the universe and the answer would be given to me right on time... That is how I found a different job, one that I needed at the time, I needed to work from home and I needed a salary and I needed benefits so I went to sleep and I said this is what I need... I kid you not the next day I woke up and I felt like searching for work at home jobs on Google, the very first company I saw, I had not seen ever before, I applied and got the job. Few weeks later I wanted to move to an apartment on my own, not just a rented room like we had at that point. And so I went where I felt I was being called to, I don't know why but I just followed that feeling, two months later I was moving into my very own apartment, it was not the best place in the world but it was ours.
6 months went by and I visited a different city, I had driven on a Friday all day after having little sleep the night before, I got to my hotel and totally passed out... The next morning I had this feeling that I needed to move at the end of my lease, not something I wanted to do at the time, not the city I wanted to move to eventually, and most definitely without having any money to move to a different city. So I said well, what will be will be... 6 months went by and I came to the city I am now living in again, somehow the money was there to travel and look for an apartment, I did not even know where it all came from, being a person that lives month to month like most people these days, I really had no idea how I was going to pull it off and even less of an idea of how I was going to pull off the move, one thing was spending money on going to look for an apartment, another thing was to actually spend money on moving.
After I applied for the apartment I got a call a few days later, I had gotten approved, the deposit that was needed for the apartment was less than what they originally told me it was going to be and as an added bonus it was exactly what I had additional in my bank account after I had paid all my bills that month. It somehow worked, I had no idea how but it did, and so I just went with it... Things just worked out, I had no idea and I still don't have the slightest idea as to why I am in this city... I have tried to figure it out, sometimes I thought it was because the schools are better than back where I was, other times I think is because of the people that I've met so far, other times I think it is because here is where I will be able to find one more piece to my puzzle or maybe a few more pieces, I really don't know, it made absolutely no sense and it still doesn't.
All I know is that for this moment this is where I have to be, ups and downs don't matter because every up gives you hope and every down somehow brings you to another up and to another piece of your puzzle, you just don't see it right now, because we can't see the destination yet, we are not there yet. Life is like traveling, you can only see a few miles ahead of you, sometimes you see that there is a bad storm ahead, because in the highway you can see the clouds at the distance and you think how you are going to have to drive through that and then you reach the storm and only go through a couple of miles of rain, but we could not see past that distance...
So here I am again, closing into a storm and worrying about it while I don't yet know if it is just a mile of it or if it is a few miles of it. Here I am worrying about how everything is turning even when I felt like it was not going to, when the ride was the smoothest, now I am hitting a lot of bumps and getting hurt and exhausted by them... But that's when I have to stop and I have to think about how life has worked out before, how I am still on the road and the road is not always bumpy, how I have to learn to separate the fear of not knowing the next thing that will happen with the hope of what I want at the moment and with what my goal or purpose in life is which in the end is the only thing that matters. What we want to achieve, that final picture, the one we are being given the puzzle pieces to, the one that will give us the greatest joy, that is all that matters and if we forget for one moment about that and we decide to focus on what we want at this moment in time, or how we want the bumps of the road completely gone we will end up taking a detour and finishing that puzzle will end up taking a lot longer than we expect.
Don't listen to the fear of the storm, don't worry about the little bumps, listen to your voice, is this right? where the directions that you took correct and this is part of the road to your greatest happiness or did you take a detour because you decided that what you wanted right now was more important this moment in time than your final destination? You always have the answer, it is not always logical but you always have it, don't let fear consume you, don't let it get the best of you and don't let it force you to immediate gratification because immediate gratification always ends quickly, it never lasts. Great things and great places take a long time to make and a long time to get to.

Do you trust you?

A few days ago I got a text from a friend asking me to research a company to see if she should go work with them or not.  I asked her what she wanted to do and her answer was that something was telling her to go for it but she was scared that it would turned out bad.

My answer was: "go with what you are being told." She is one of those people that will never go with her "gut feelings", her instinct, that little voice inside telling you to take the leap.  I was like that once, then as time went by and different things happened in my life good and bad I realized that when I follow that little voice inside the one that gives you the crazy idea that fills you up with fear just thinking about it, things always turned up good.

So the question is: what is this voice? I don't know, I could sit here and say it's a higher being, that it is God, that it's angels watching over you and if you don't believe in any of that you will start treating me like a total mental case and completely dismiss me. That voice could also be you, a higher version of you, a you that has the power to know what will happen next without having all the pieces that are needed to put the puzzle together but that can see the full picture, it's the part of you that seems irrational at the moment because all the information is not completely given. 

Yes, I think that exists, you can call it whatever you want, we all have it! There is one voice that guides us to what our deepest heart's desires are, one that is in sync with our soul and that will never take us through a path of destruction. But do you ever trust that voice? Do you ever trust that you? Do you trust it maybe sometimes or when it makes the most sense or do you completely dismiss it?

It's extremely hard to completely trust it, being that extremely logical being I once was I can attest that the hardest things I've done in my life is to begin to trust that voice, and even now there are times when I totally dismiss it, I dismiss it for that "this is what I want to do right now" voice or that "this is what I should do right now" voice, but I've learned, I've gone back to every time I could remember hearing the voice and then remembering what happened after I did or did not do as the voice said and I found that the more I did not listen to it the more trouble I would find myself into. It was like I was taking detours to my final destination and it was taking me way longer to get there and along the way I would become miserable. 

So why not listen to it more closely? For those who pray do you ever think that maybe your prayers are being answered but that you are too busy praying which is like someone talking when they should be listening and therefore you miss out on the directions you need to follow to get to the life your soul has always wanted? That happiness that can't be reached by doing what other human beings tell you to do but only by following the desires of your soul. 

It's never too late to learn to trust that inner you, it's never too late to believe in something a little greater than yourself even if that is part of you. It's never too late to find true happiness and to follow your dreams... So go on, learn to trust that higher you! Those angels, instincts, God, soul... Whatever you want to call it, learn to trust it, I promise that when you do so your life will start to change so drastically and for the better that you will not believe what's happening! 

How I found me again....

It's funny how sometimes we never think that we will ever feel like we don't know ourselves anymore, we get depressed and unhappy, we lose that joy we used to have and if we cannot find that "light" we naturally have we then feel lost.
I felt like that for quite sometime, in between all the stress from work, finances, new schedules, new adventures and having new people around, it is amazing how all of it combined can become so darn overwhelming that you just don't know where to go and sometimes don't even know what to do, I even got to the point where I was starting to feel lonely, I had forgotten what that word was, the last time I felt like that was when I was living with my husband and it wasn't until I left him that I did not feel whole again, I never understood that, I mean how do you feel so alone when you have someone by your side?
This past weekend I realized why, it was not such a bad thing and it was not a great realization either but it helped find myself again... So here is what I have realized....
In the past few weeks I have probably been surrounded by an extreme amount of people that have offered in one way or another to help out whenever I need, my usual self would just never even take a second look at those offers, I would just always not expect anything from anyone but myself because in the end you can't really control what other people do but you sure as hell can control what you do, so why ever put any expectation that one person or a group of people would ever do anything for you, why expect them to be there at all??? whether it is for them to be there for moral support or because you actually need them to help you out with something?
Well a few months ago I decided maybe I should expect a little more from people, maybe I should have a little faith in them I mean all cannot be bad right? Maybe one of them will really truly come through for me so I decided that I was gonna give them all a chance... well I guess in my head, my brain was not set to also just not get disappointed when they did not come through because in reality they owed me nothing, they did not have to offer any help and they did not have to help me out at all, but I guess the fact that I figured maybe it was gonna be different brought me more disappointment than I thought I would have ever gotten...
And that's when it started, that was the beginning of me becoming completely and absolutely lost, depressed and the beginning of me feeling like I was never going to find my light again....
I hated feeling like that, mostly because I know negativity is contagious and now I had all these different people around me and I really did not want them to end up in the same rut I was in.  A lot of time was spent thinking what the heck happen, where did I go wrong and what did I do to feel this way? Then a lot of things started piling up: bills, personal issues and finally what always ends up happening when you are being negative and end up stressing out: I got sick!!!
The tiredness, the sleepless nights, the stress, all of it added up to horrible migraines that lasted weeks!!!! It's amazing how much your body is affected by stress, it can literally kill you!
It was not until the end of week number four of terrible migraines that I realized what had happened, that was when I was so darn dizzy, throwing up every time I got up, I could barely walk from the pain and even the pain killers did absolutely nothing but seemed to make the migraine worse... That third day of this I was laying in bed, crying from the pain because it was extreme, I mean the pain was so bad that I would have rather thrown myself off a balcony than keep feeling it, I called those that had once offered help, I knew then I needed it, I really needed help, I had reached my limit, I could not stand the pain and everything I had tried has not worked, I needed to go to the hospital and someone needed to take me because I could barely walk and I did not think I would have survived a bus ride.
So that's when I started calling people, I could not stand the light of my phone at all, that's how bad it was, but everyone was either busy or did not answer... I cried some more, this time because that lonely feeling filled me up, my daughter was not with me, and I felt like there was no one around that would force me to be strong for, it is amazing how your kids feed you so much power, so much strength! So I kept crying and in my crying I asked God, the universe, the Spirit, whatever it is that you might call it, I asked why I felt this way, I asked why was I so alone? I asked why everyone was not around when I really needed them??? And then the answer hit me! It was like I was hearing someone loud and clear telling me: What do you mean you are so alone? You have always been on your own, never have you needed anyone and the times you have needed someone you have gotten someone there... That's when I called 911 and asked for help, one of the scariest things I have had to do because I feel like even though it was an emergency there should have been another way for me to get there, but there really wasn't so it was my last resort.  I got to the hospital and the doctor thought it could be something more serious than a migraine so they did a CAT scan and a lumbar puncture, that last one hurt so much, they pretty much put me to sleep when  I got there but for the lumbar puncture I had to be awake and all I gotta say is: THAT HURT!!! and while I was sitting there having a needle inserted in my back, I thought once again how nice it would be for me to have someone I loved and that cared about me there holding my hand making me feel safe, and how much I probably needed that at that moment, but then it hit me again!!! This is was not the first time you have gone through something like this and it is not gonna be the last time even though I secretly hope that it is, I really hope that I don't get a migraine that is that bad again, but hell if I do, I know I can take care of it myself!
I was alone and once again I felt lonely and I started missing those who had really been there for me before and who had actually kept their word when it came to that, and then I realized how the times I really needed someone there was always someone there, so this time maybe I did not need anyone and that was ok, it was ok because it reminded me of how strong I can be, how even when I am scared to death I somehow find it within me to keep going, how I always figured things out on my own, even without my daughter because one day she will leave and will have her own life and that's ok, that is how things are supposed to be, we are born alone and we die alone and any company we are ever able to get it's just supposed to be added joy.
The next day, even though my back was still hurting but I was glad it was just a really bad migraine, I found my light once again, that light I had lost when I put my faith in other people and not myself, that light that had been slowly turned off by every disappointment I have had in the past few months, and each one of them is no one's fault except mine... Yes, my fault for expecting more from people, rather than continue to not expect much and just be extremely delighted and surprised if they actually did anything, my fault for forgetting that the only person that has the power and that can make a true difference in my own life is me and no one else, my fault for allowing others to make me feel this way because in the end you are in charge of how you feel and while you are allowed to feel angry, sad, depressed, etc, you have the power to not allow it to consume you to the point of making you so sick...
Yes, I still have a ton of things to figure out, I still have a lot of things to get used to, yes there is still a lot of things that will cause stress in my life, but there is one thing I know for sure: I don't need anyone to help me out, I wanted people around but I learned that is not always possible, and while this is sort of a sad realization because some will say how sad it is that you have lost your faith in others, I say yeah it is sad and probably if they all knew that I am not expecting anything from them anymore, that I really don't expect them to ever come through for me, and I really don't think they care that much and if they do well that's great, maybe they would be disappointed in me but you know what? That's ok, because that would be their own feelings to deal with, they would not be mine.
In the meantime I will continue to be the person I know I am, the one that can pull through anything that is thrown at her and that will always be there for everyone not just promising that I will be there for those that I love, but actually being there when they want me there, because I know that the times they need me around I know for sure I will be there, that's the kind of person I am, and I truly hope I don't ever forget it again, life always puts you in certain situations not to make you stronger but to remind you of how strong you really are and now I can start working on climbing out of the hole I had fallen into and I can't wait to get completely out of it one step at the time!!! :)

If you'd let me...

Life has been a little hard sometimes, which has turned me a little cold, but deep inside I am full of love.
If you'd let me I would love you more than anyone could, I would care for you more than anyone would.
If you'd let me I would be the best friend you ever had, the one who would not leave your side, that friend that would always be there no matter what.
I know it seems odd to say all this after so long but if you'd let me show you I know one day you would not want to let me go.
If you'd let me show you, you could see that I'm the one for you, if you'd let me love you and care for you, you'd know I was telling the truth.
Too bad pride always gets in the way, because if I could tell you all this to your face maybe it would make a difference one day.
I'm sorry I was so cold and distant, it was not my intent, just know that I do love you and I wish you the best.

One of my greatest fears

The fear of being loved, that sounds so crazy and odd at the same time, I mean who the hell fears being loved?
Well I do, yeap! I recently came to the painful realization that I am afraid of being loved and cared for, if I have someone that even starts showing the most remote sign of loving me, I want to run as fast as I can in the other direction, and when I can't run I just push them away because it is easier for them to walk away rather than me running.
I started to ask myself why I was this way, after all most people are usually afraid of falling in love and not of being loved, human beings want to be loved and cared for but I, I want to love people and for them to not love me in return? What a weirdo I am! So I kept thinking, my mother says I think too damn much, but I needed to figure this one out because recently I have pushed away some really good friends and I see a pattern developing that I might not like and I came to the conclusion that the reason I don't like or want people loving me is because I don't want them to be disappointed, I don't want to disappoint them.
Yes, I fear that once they love me I will end up doing something to them that will disappoint them, and disappointing someone that loves me and that I love back would hurt me more than me being disappointed by someone I love; I mean I have learned that the greatest thing you can do is love someone, even if they don't love you back you should be glad that such great feeling grew inside of you, and that you should always love without the expectation of being loved in return because love is free, it is truly given and it is pure love only when it is given without the expectation of it being returned; however I know that most people don't think like that.
It has always been my motto to spread love but then when it came to someone loving me ohh gosh that's when I would be absolutely and positively scared. And so now I ask myself why are you afraid that you will disappoint someone that loves you? In fact why would they get disappointed in the first place? I mean if they love you they are gonna love you with all your flaws and virtues, they should know that you are not exactly perfect and will be bound to make a few mistakes (hopefully not unforgivable mistakes) and that you are not gonna try to harm them on purpose.
But see, that's where I realized that my years living with my father have screwed me up more than I could ever imagine, see I know my father loves me (in his own twisted way) but he does love me, however throughout the years there have only been a very few times that I actually thought I was making him proud, everything else was a constant criticism, it was all wrong and I could always see the disappointment in his eyes, and that hurt me more than anything, that I could be so imperfect that I would end up hurting someone that way. So then I thought, why am I wanting to be so perfect, what is perfection anyway? And perfection really is a matter of perception; for me something or someone might be perfect but for another human being they will not be, and yeah we all say we are humans we are not perfect but I like to think that we all are, is just that we are all so different that there are certain of our traits that others will not like and in the end when you are in a relationship you pretty much decide which traits you are able to live with and which ones you are not, but then again why do I fear not being "perfect" and it goes back to the disappointment someone will have, what will they say and how will they criticize me. My father would always let me know all the bad I did, never pointed out the good and that hurt me too, again because I was not good enough and in turn I taught myself well if I am not going to be good enough for anyone then I might as well make sure that I spare them the feeling of disappointment (which I had felt with my father also when I realized how he really was) by keeping my distance when they showed any signs of emotional attachment.
And so I have gone through the past few years of my life doing exactly that, I have to add that my ex-husband did not help my cause either because when we separated he decided also that he would criticize everything I did, and suddenly I became for him the worst mom in the world, worst wife, worst friend, worst cook, worst everything (yeah he is a drug addict and insane but still it plays with your head and psychological well being).
The past few weeks I have already stopped talking to one of my best friends because he had said to me that he was sad that he only got to see me for 20 minutes when I went to visit my sister in the town that they all live in, I felt like he was so disappointed in me and it was because he loves me so much that he really expected to spend more time but since I couldn't and was so focus on other friends I made him feel left out, he tried talking to me and I found myself being rather cold and short, yes I went back to reading how I answered and I realized that was my way of saying ok I am not doing this again I love you but I don't want to disappoint you so I am walking the other way, don't come any closer.
I was also sort of seeing this guy and I guess you could say maybe we both mixed everything that was going on at the time, I really liked him but me being a single mom there is only so much time that I can give to anyone, at the beginning (like it always happens) this guy wanted to spend time with me, and while it was a nice feeling, I was absolutely scared of it, because what if he did not get that I did not want more than what we had and then decided he wanted more and I couldn't give him more, he would be disappointed and maybe he did not care about it too much and he was just going with what he felt but I just decided I would push away, so when it was offered for me to spend the night I said no I cannot, then when it was offered to go out I said no I cannot, and just kept on going until one night and maybe I am absolutely wrong on this one but I think things changed there because words like "typical girl" were texted and while he says he was in a good mood and maybe I totally misread his texts (which is why is always better to talk in person or over the phone and be clear with your words) so I took it as well there goes another disappointed human being, I tried to be me without building too much emotional attachment so that disappointment does not happen but it did, the problem is though that again I'm not afraid of being lovable, I'm afraid of then being like that with me, however I do understand that if you show affection for someone, sometimes that is reciprocated and you can not really expect for someone to just accept your love and not show you some affection in return, unless you are friends with a sociopath.
Same happened to me with other people, I mean I have moved as far away from my family and friends as I possibly can and every time I meet someone new that wants to either help me or just genuinely care about me I freak and I run. I met this guy when I went to visit my sister, and yes the universe has a way of putting the perfect people in front of you at the right time, he is divorced, has a kid and works 12 hours shifts three days in a row and then has his child for four days, he had such a keen interest in me, and of course everything was fine, of course he knows he lives in a different city and lives too far and knows I will not move and neither will he, but he started with this whole I would love to date you, and I kind of miss you (first of who the hell misses someone they have not spent any time with other than just texting on the darn phone) and suddenly the urge to run the other way started, and I thought, hello! He is not here, you are not going to ever be I danger of him loving you but I had to say to him: you do realize that this thing you want will never happens, because I will never move back down there and you are not going to be here ever so... And then I thought to myself that was probably not the best or nicest thing to say to this individual, who was genuinely just expressing what he felt at that moment in time and from then on I became as cold as I could possibly be.
With my family the same reasoning was applied: as long as I keep my distance I will not disappoint you, you will not see what I do, what I don't do, what I have and what I don't have, what I have accomplished and what I haven't and it will all be good, you will love me and never be disappointed because what you cannot see that I might be doing wrong will not hurt you and of course that will also keep you from letting me know that you are disappointed and making me angry when you tell me how I did every thing wrong, so I guess in a way this is all a mixture of not wanting to be criticized and not wanting to hurt the people that love me, which leads me to how extremely insane I can be, and makes me wonder if there are people out there that feel exactly the same way but just don't say it because they are also afraid that it coming out will disappoint someone that they love.