My view on the Bird Box movie. (Spoilers)

That Bird Box movie... (Spoilers ahead)

First I want to start by saying that I’m not a fan of horror movies and do not really do well with suspense either.  However, because of all the memes and apparent hype of this movie, I felt oddly prompted to go ahead and watch it.  Fourteen minutes into it and I paused it so I could go read what the movie was about and how it would end (I told you, I am terrible when it comes to suspense, there’s enough of that in my life already).  After watching the whole thing though, I felt that the movie was completely dumb!  I mean, we don’t ever get to see what really was causing some people to commit suicide and others to see these "invisible" monsters as something beautiful.

I went on one of my social media pages and expressed my dislike of the movie.  One of my friends pointed out that the movie is about blinding yourself when it comes to evil things that happen and also to try and not pay attention to bad temptations.  This didn’t quite resonate with me as I don't feel we can just turn a blind eye to the “bad” that happens out there and ignoring temptations can most times make us feel more tempted. Of course I responded to this with guidance from my spirit guides and angels (as I often do) and said that it’s more about fear and making us aware that those things we fear don’t go away just by ignoring them.  We have to have the courage to accept those things we fear so we can finally confront them and hopefully let go of them.

But what exactly is this movie showing that we fear?  I decided to continue to meditate on this and ask Spirit why I was moved by the hype of the movie (which I am not usually moved by).  I really didn’t know what the movie was about other that Sandra Bullock being blindfolded for most of it.  Before I started to watch it I seriously though that Sandra’s character was being kidnapped along with her children and was being forced to wear a blindfold the whole time.  The name of the movie was beyond my comprehension, maybe she was kept in a cage like a bird too or they were looking for a bird box and that is why they were kidnapped. Anyhow... what is this movie showing that we fear and what is it that most people seem to be missing here?  Mental illness!

The entire premise of the movie is that people are affected by some invisible force that makes them commit suicide while it causes others to see it as something beautiful.  Depending on how you look at this movie; you will either feel that this movie stigmatizes mental illness even more OR it tries to help point out that we shouldn’t blind ourselves to it.  That mental illness (more specifically depression) is an invisible force that most of us don’t understand but we should try.  I was divided on this until again my wonderful spirit guides reminded me of the part of the movie where the picture above shows up.

The guy who drew those pictures had survived seeing these invisible monsters.  He saw them as beautiful, even though they are obviously ugly and scary looking.  He came into the house telling a story about how people in a mental institution all survived seeing these monsters, how they all said they were beautiful, and how they wanted everyone else to see them.  I found it interesting that it was those who were already dealing with mental illness the ones who survived seeing the monsters and the ones who were happy to see them while the others would be filled with the desire to end their lives.  The message I got from people with mental illness surviving this was that they were happy that now everyone else could see these monsters.  They saw them as beautiful because now everyone could see them.  For a moment everyone else was able to feel what they feel on a daily basis and most people were not able to survive it.  Those with mental illness survived the invisible monster because they were already living with it.

So what was my message after watching this?  Well for one it made me more aware about how people see mental illness.  How fearful they are of it and how most wouldn’t be able to live with it for long.  It made me realize that those who are continuing to live with mental illness, depression mostly, are way stronger than one can think, stronger than even they think they are.  Even those who have given up and decided to commit suicide; they lived with an illness who most don’t understand, an illness that can’t be seen, and a pain that was endured for far too long.  They’ve dealt with something that most people stigmatize and see as something that they should just be able to "get over."

Don’t get me wrong, i am fully aware that a person has the responsibility to reach out and ask for help.  They have the responsibility to accept the help that’s being offered but I know it makes it harder to accept help when mental illness is so stigmatized.  When a person with mental illness is looked at as someone who is just whining about something they shouldn't be whining about.  I cannot imagine the embarrassment a person feels when they are unable to just do what others tell them and “get over it."  I couldn’t imagine how it would feel to want, need help, and be afraid of asking for it for fear of what others would say about it.  I mean, I still remember being told by domestic violence advocates and family law attorneys that I had to hide from the courts that I was going to therapy for the trauma I had experienced.  I was told that if I shared that I was receiving help to deal with that trauma then the judge would use it against me.  How sad it was that they were not wrong; the outcome of all that was a judge trying to ensure I was put in a situation where I would experience more trauma and wouldn't be able to get any help.

Each of us has at least one person who is suffering in silence and shouldn’t be.  I know I won't stop talking about it, I know I will not stop learning about it.  I know I will not stop speaking up against those who make this issue more controversial than it needs to be.  I wish more people realized that if there came a time when each of us would be hit with the invisible monster of depression, that very few of us would survive it, so maybe we should all be more compassionate about those who suffer from end and those who didn't win the battle against it.  It is time we stop fearing mental illness, learned more about it, and open up the conversation on it.

Knowledge Is Power

I realized how much power knowledge can give an individual the day I found out my then husband was a drug addict.  I had missed all the signs because I was ignorant about drugs, their effects on people, and even drugs that people could get addicted to.  My ignorance was so big that I always passed the hydrocodone he had in a ziploc bag for aspirins that he was supposedly given by his orthodontist.   I laugh at that now because it sounds so silly and dumb, but that was my reality then.

After I left him, he would use my ignorance to scare me.  The torturous texts and calls about what he supposedly could do to me took a huge toll on me.  Eventually I learned that he could only scare me because I really didn't know whether or not what he was saying was true.  That is when I then decided to acquire knowledge of the law and that is when his words had less effect on me.  The more I learned, the more fears I conquered.

Today I was reminded of this again because I have shared a period of my life with someone who has bipolar disorder.  It is a disorder I had absolutely no knowledge of and something I did not know they had until things got too out of control for my taste.  When things had begun to spiral out of control I was scared, I was scared because I had no idea what was going on.  It had been in the past that I could sit down and talk things out with my partner and we were able to work things out, but when things were so out of control I felt so scared of saying something because I thought I would make it worse.  The truth is that looking back now, I know that if I would have remained calm like I usually did, I wouldn't have.

Bipolar disorder is one of the most misunderstood mental health disorders out there.  It is the toughest to diagnose because usually providers only see patients when they are depressed and they don't mention the times they are or were manic.   Anti-depressants can make bipolar disorder worse, they can send that mania into hyper drive.  Certain drugs and foods will do exactly the same, but I was not aware of this.  Now that I am, I look back at our lives and a lot makes sense to me.  I am writing this because it helps me and because I know that there are people out there who have a loved one diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  I know how crazy life can seem with their ups and downs, and I know how much it can affect you not only emotionally but physically.  I want you to know that you are not alone and that if the person is willing to learn to manage their illness, you can have a successful relationship with them.  You can communicate well with them and be able to get your needs and theirs met in a healthy manner.  If they don't want to work on learning to manage it though, or they don't want to talk about it with you openly, then there is not much you can do but walk away.  This illness is hard to manage on their own, and I have learned from speaking to many people who have bipolar and have learned to manage the illness that they could not have done it without the support of those who love them.  It requires a great deal of patience, understanding, and sacrifice but I feel that when there is love, the rest just falls into place.

He never told me he had this illness, and I understand why now.  There were a lot of things that did not make sense then, but in hindsight they make sense now.  A person with bipolar disorder does not want to have bipolar disorder, they don't really like the instability it brings.  When we moved in together, he made it a point that he wanted to ensure we only ate certain foods.  I didn't know why this was so important, it was too important to him... It seemed something trivial for me, because I am the type of person that says hey if you don't like certain foods then you don't eat them and if I don't like them then I don't eat them.  If I want fast food, I can get fast food and if you want something different we can go get that for you, come home and we each eat what we want.  I mean the point was that we each ate what we liked.  In looking back, I realize now that it was not about that.  It was not that he did not like the foods I ate, it was that he knew diet played an important role in managing his bipolar, more so when he was not medicated.  He was trying to manage it, he was trying to stay away from things he did like but that would make his mood swings worse.

I wish he would have told me though, because looking back now, the most stable periods of time he had were when we were eating at home.  I was the one cooking and making food in the most natural way possible.  During this time he was also sleeping well, which plays a huge role on managing bipolar disorder.  We hardly ever went out to eat and at times I missed that, but now I know that not only outside food would play a role on his mood but also the busyness and noise of a restaurant could have an effect on his mood swings.  It is amazing what I can see now that I look back and that I have more knowledge about the disorder.

Summer kicked in and I was not aware of what summer can do to a bipolar brain.  From reading hundreds of articles, it seems like summer is a trigger for mania.  I am a spiritual advisor and I read energies in order to help my clients, during the summer the energies are super high and daylight is longer.  Everyone is wanting to go out, be with friends and family, and all of it can be erratic.  There was an added twist to this, the work he did.  His work is the busiest during the summer and that alone can trigger manic episodes.  I didn't know this and thinking back I feel that was one of the reasons he wanted to leave that work behind.  He was looking for stability for himself and in a way at that point he was looking to remain stable.  Whether he did it consciously or unconsciously, wanting his stability is one of the main things he always looked for.  He knew what triggering a manic episode would do to him and the relationships he had.  He also knew that we needed to make some money, and because of this he decided to go into it full force.

It was also during the summer that I decided to get involved in his work and because of this I stopped cooking at home; we both started to eat out.  Not only that, but usually I would have left overs at home so he would always have food ready to just eat.  Work being so busy also made it impossible to keep a schedule where we were eating regularly.  Not eating regularly in turn made it impossible to sleep well at night.  All of it together made it impossible to prevent a manic episode.  My ignorance about his bipolar combined with my frustration of this new behavior that I did not understand did not allow me to take control of what was happening; instead it made me anxious too.

Eventually, not only was I anxious but I was also scared.  The fear of not knowing what the hell was going on made things worse.  His anxiety due to him having to be the sole provider for the household (because now I was working more with him and not working on my own business) pushed him to smoke weed.  The weed made things worse, not better.  It made it so bad that he had hardly slept.  One morning he woke me up with this surge of energy.  He couldn't understand that I had only slept for a couple of hours because I had been working on a report all night and I was exhausted.  I needed to sleep!  Later that day, we got invited to go camping... this was the first time I was going to go and I was exhausted and frustrated.  All I really wanted was to sleep, we didn't really have time to get ready for an overnight camping trip.  I really had no energy to even begin putting things together to go anywhere other than back to bed.  The drive to the campsite was going well until we hit the mountains.  When we hit the mountains, he got even more manic.  I asked to drive the truck but he wouldn't allow it.  He didn't see himself and didn't see the look he had in his eyes as he was driving, it was very scary.  At some point I thought he would not realize that there was a turn and we would end up getting into a bad accident.  I know his intention was not to scare me, I know his intention was not to put me in danger, but at that moment it was not him in control; it was the mania.

By the time we arrived at the campsite, I was crying and he was frustrated.  He was frustrated because he was expecting me to enjoy the crazy ride just as much as he did.  The thing is that I was not manic, he was!  He didn't see what I was seeing, all he saw was "this is fun."  I know that if he would have seen it from my eyes, he would have stopped himself and allowed me to drive.  That was my first camping experience, to me it was absolutely ruined, I just hated it all.  Even when I asked for a moment to get myself together, he was frustrated because he didn't understand.  I didn't understand either and couldn't explain what was happening to anyone which didn't make it any easier.  But now that I do, it all makes sense.

The next morning things were more settled, I had slept and felt a lot better.  That day we actually had fun, but for him the bitter taste of the night before never really went away.  I would have wanted to have another go at it, without the mania at full blast, with more time to prepare.  To tell you the truth being in nature is so grounding and peaceful.  In the mountains of Colorado even during the hottest summer nights, it is never uncomfortable hot, so it is even more perfect.  Eventually I will go ahead and get my chance, on my own more than likely but I will do it.  Years ago one of my moms taught me that even when someone ruins an experience for you, you can find a way to re-do that experience and make the experience a positive one.  You can do it again together, on your own, or with someone new.

For many years my biological father had ruined my experience of going to the beach, then other people added to it.  There was always discord, there was always an argument, and it had stopped being fun.  So, I hated it! I couldn't stand it!!! I have an aversion to conflict and I feel that people should try to listen to each other rather than yell at each other.  But when my mommy told me she wanted to go to the beach with us and that it would be fun, I gave it a try.  She told me at what time she would stop by to pick us up and to be ready then, and so we did.  We got to the beach prepared, not rushing, and when we got there the beach was pretty much empty.  We were talking and building castles on the beach, the kids were having fun, there were no arguments, no conflict, no discord.  It was fun!  That is how she taught me that sometimes you can change things for the better and that previous experiences are just that, an experience that you can learn from.  Once you learn from an experience you can make the next one even better.

As humans we tend to hold on to the bad though, we do it because it keeps us from getting hurt again.  Instead of focusing on what we can change we focus on the things that went wrong and we carry that with us for so long that we end up missing out on great experiences.  I know this now, and because I know this, I have made it a point to not allow that to happen again to me.  I won't allow it to happen to me because if I do, then I will definitely miss out on amazing opportunities that life will send my way.  I won't allow it to happen because knowledge is power, and once you know about something, your fear about it goes away.   It is less scary, it is more manageable.  I wish I had known about bipolar disorder, I wish I had known that he had it, but I also know that I can't change the past.

We went through what we went through for a reason, and now that I know about it, it will help me in the future.  It will help me because I am not scared, because I now understand a lot more than I did before and because of that it won't affect me the way it did before.  Just like when I gained knowledge of the law and of drugs, same way here.  It will help me because now I have friends and clients who have bipolar disorder or have someone they love with bipolar.  Knowing about it helps me help them and guide them the best way I can, so I continue to learn.

The more we know, the more we can be in control, the more we know the better we become.  I guess that is the reason why there is this saying that "readers are leaders" because the more you read, the more you learn.  The more you learn, the more power you gain and the less fear you have.  A leader might have fears, but they know how to overcome them.  A leader knows that whatever they are afraid of, they must learn about it in order to conquer it.  I am glad I learned and I am glad that I appreciate each of my experiences.  Without my experiences I would not be the person I am today and would not be able to become the person I will become in the future.

Communication and Relationships

I have been thinking about this picture lately... A while ago, when I first started college and I was just 17 years old I had to make a presentation for Speech class.  My presentation was about what made relationships work and last a long time.  Everyone was baffled when I said that it was not the amount of love that people had for each other but how well they worked on communicating with each other.  By this time I have seen relationships fail because of the lack of communication.  My biological father's first wife and him would always argue and throw things to each other, eventually they would physically fight and hurt each other.  During high school, I had had two different relationships.  The first one ended because he was jealous and instead of telling me how he felt he would just react.  I would try to talk about it without arguing but it was pointless.  I couldn't stand it, so I broke it off.  The second one ended up kissing someone else, talked to everyone about it except me... I remember not hearing from him for a few days until someone else told me what everyone was talking about.  I was more upset at the fact that he didn't come to talk to me first.  We used to talk for hours him and I  and in a way I expected to be told, not be kept in the dark.

Those were my high school relationship experiences, neither of them lasted too long.  I had tried it again with the second boyfriend, but it ended when there was an issue with mutual friends and instead of asking about my side of the story, I was told off.  On each instance, there was no effective communication.  It was either only one person talking or both not talking at all.  It didn't matter that I loved both of these guys, I truly did, because in the end love was not enough.  As I grew older and I kept seeing how my biological father behaved, this communication thing became of utmost importance to me.  You see, my biological father is an abuser (I think I gave that out earlier when I pointed out how he fought with his second wife); one of the things abusers do is that they will use words to hurt you, they will physically hurt you, and then they will gaslight you.  An abuser will hurt you one day and then come back the next day pretending nothing happened.  They will act completely different and not ever want to talk about what happened before.  Then later on IF you bring it up, they will either tell you that it never happened or they will blame you for it.  Back when I was younger and around this individual, I did not know that was it.  But still, I despised that he did that too many times and because of that, I made it a point that when I got into a relationship the person I was with would be someone with whom I could communicate effectively.  It could even be someone who didn't know how to communicate effectively but who was open to learning and growing with me in that regard. 

During the first serious relationship, we were great at communicating with each other at first and everything worked out great.  We would talk about what bothered each of us and we never really fought.  As the relationship progressed we started to not say to each other what was bothering us and so the communication stopped.  Instead of coming to each other to communicate what we needed from one another, he started to go to his parents and I would just keep it all to myself.  Until one day he was ready to leave and didn't tell me.  At that point we actually talked, but because he had spoken to his parents about what he didn't like about me, now his parents didn't think we should be together.  That put a strain in the relationship and after that it was just all downhill from there.  Once again, lack of effective communication ruined that one.  I loved him and we tried to work on it, but the communication factor was pretty much gone and that made things extremely difficult.  We ended up as good friends, who eventually drifted apart but I always left the door open if he ever needed someone to talk to.

Relationships, any kind of relationships, whether they are romantic relationships or friendships, require people to communicate.  There is no relationship, it does not matter how much love there is for one another, that will work without two people knowing how to effectively communicate with each other.  Today I was wondering why it is that we stop communicating effectively with another person.  I know in my experience it has been because I was hurt and couldn't find the right words to say to the other person in a way that I would not hurt them in return.  Sometimes it was fear of how they would react to what I said and that was just me remembering the relationship I had with my biological father, who would always lash out and get defensive when you told him you felt something he did was not right.  That ended up being the same with the guy I ended up marrying, he is also an abuser and while I had learned to communicate more effectively even without really having good role models, I took a few steps backwards with that marriage.  Of course, I knew that would end because there was a lot that was hidden and a lot that was never said. 

As far as other people go, I think it's similar reasons... Some of them feel like they would be ashamed of saying something they feel, or telling someone about an experience that might explain their reaction because someone else reacted back at them and so now they want to avoid it.  It is trying to avoid confrontation, avoiding a fight, avoiding doing things that might make things worse.  And so instead of communicating, they withdraw, they stay quiet and then all those feelings just get bottled up and shaken around like a soda bottle... until eventually someone opens the bottle up and everything comes out bursting...

So how is it that one can change this?  By being aware... In your relationships, any of the ones you have, you have to be aware of how you feel and you have to make time to speak about it.  Both people need to be receptive to the other, and not take things being said as an attack because as soon as you do that, you will stop being receptive and start being defensive.  Both have to be open to growing and set fear aside, and talk from a place of love.  It seems something that is very easy to do, but I have found many times it is not.  There can be an extreme amount of love between two people and instead of using that love as a driver to continue what made the love grow in the first place, they use that love as the only basis to the relationship and they forget that is not what made it work to begin with.  I have lost many relationships in the past, and they have all been lost because of that lack of communication, I know some of them could have been saved if communication was opened but I also found myself in a place where there was only one person willing to do so... And so I realized it would not work.  Some of them have hurt losing more than others but, in the end I think I have learned from each of them and I have taken comfort in that.  They have helped me grow in many different ways and understand myself a little better, and for that all I can do is say thanks.

Effective communication is to a relationship like a good balance between water and sunlight are to a plant.  They are needed in order fora plant to grow, just like it is needed in order for a relationship to flourish.

What is love?

Love is... There are really no words to describe what love really is...
Love is intense, it knows no bounds,
Love forgives, it knows no faults,
Love cares, no matter what,
Love gives, without taking anything back,
Love is the greatest experience, is the best emotion.
Some say love hurts but they would be wrong,
Love knows no bounds, love just flows...
If only you knew what that meant,
If only you knew how much you’re loved,
If only you knew how much you’re worth,
If only you knew...
Love shares, love is always there, love never dies,
Love accepts, love never judges, love grows,
Love sees only the best,
But most of all love never gives up, love is never defeated...
I love you...

A Short Love Letter

I love you, I don't say it lightly... I really do love you.  I find myself thinking about how you are doing every day, every night.  I find myself wanting to tell you all the good things that happened in a day.  I find myself wanting to talk to you about anything and everything.  And then I remember that you decided to not be part of that.  I remember that there are things you must work on.  I remember how you feel and it hurts.  It hurts because I know you are hurting, it hurts because all I want is for you to be truly happy and I know that you are not.  It hurts because I can still see us working through all the crap that life can throw at us and be successful.  It hurts because I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, then maybe you could see that you are not alone.  It hurts because you are in a place where you can't see it.  It hurts because I know that you hurt that you have not had the right people around you for a long time.  It hurts because I know that you know I wouldn't just leave, I would stay, but because of the things you have done in the past you feel you are not worthy of such love.
When I say I love you, I mean I am here for you.  I mean I am not going anywhere.  I mean that I don't really care how hard things get, I will stick it out.  I mean I won't abandon you, I mean I won't judge you.  I mean I will forgive you, do my best to understand you.  I mean I am not going anywhere.  I wish you would see that, I wish you would stop punishing yourself.  I wish you would realize that we all make mistakes and that we can all learn from them.  I wish you would care about you just as much as I care, then you would know that you don't need to self-punish.  Then you would know to not put yourself in situations that make you feel worse.  Then you would value yourself enough to go towards what you really want.
I love you and I wish you loved yourself just a tiny bit of what I love you.  I wish you would understand what love truly is and would start to cherish it more.  I have already forgiven you, I wish you would forgive yourself too and give yourself another chance.  I love you and I wish you loved yourself too.

The Broken Man

There was once a broken man,
he walked alone in the night sky,
full of fear and despair,
looking to be loved,
looking to be nurtured,
looking to be accepted,
thinking he was not worthy,
thinking he would never find the love he was seeking,
A day came when he asked God
to send him that love he didn't know existed,
shortly after she showed up,
with a sweet smile and the sweetest look,
with a patience he has never seen before,
she showed him that he could be loved,
she showed him that he could be nurtured,
she showed him that he could be accepted,
she showed him that there could be light,
she showed him that he didn't need to walk alone in the night,
he had finally found what he had desperately been seeking for,
God had finally answered!
but then that wretched fear kicked in,
the doubt started to fill his head,
looking for some clarity in the midst of chaos
he asked his lady: why do you love me?
and with a smile she answered: because I have no reason not to.
And then he knew that there was never going to be another night when he would walk alone.

The Night Sky

Out in the night sky

I look for you,

I wonder if you look for me too.

It does not matter who comes and goes

The only one I want is you.

Maybe one day you will have the courage

The courage to realize that this is where you belong

The courage to forgive yourself

The courage to start over

The courage to give our love another chance 

Until then, I will always look for you out in the night sky,

Hoping that you are looking for me too.

For you

I didn’t know I could open myself up to love again,
And then I met you,
I didn’t know I could find someone who I could call my partner,
Someone who would walk side by side with me,
Someone who would share the road with me,
And then I met you,
It all seemed like a dream come true,
And I never realized that most of your life
Dreams had turned to nightmares at the moment they seemed the happiest,
The fear of the dream becoming a nightmare made you want to run
Run before it hurt you,
Run because you couldn’t deal with that hurt again,
And in trying to run, you hurt me,
It was easier to blame yourself than to be hurt again,
It was easier to run than to confront your fears,
It was easier to make yourself believe I needed you more than you needed me,
The thing is my love that the dream only became a nightmare because you pushed it that way,
The thing is my love that I never allowed you in my life because I needed you,
I allowed you in my life because I loved you,
And it is that love that would have never allowed this dream to become a nightmare,
Too bad that you were unable to see it...

Just a small thought...

I was catching up on one of my shows today as I was eating breakfast and a Walt Disney World Resort commercial came on; those darn Disney commercials always make me feel warm and fuzzy inside mostly because I am too much of a Disney fan.  The commercial focused on what most people now call a "traditional family" (mom, dad and 2 children); suddenly it dawned on me that every single Disney Park commercial that I've watched focuses on families made of mom, dad and children.  Before I started to write this I figured I would actually look at other Disney commercials and see if I was correct; to my extreme disappointment, I was. 

Now a days we seem to be trying to keep focus on what society calls a traditional family when the "traditional family" is becoming more  and more non-traditional; yet we seem to want to keep pushing it through to everyone.  In 2015, it is extremely sad to see that when you search for images of family on the internet the first pictures shown are of a woman and a man with 2 children, usually all of the same race... And we wonder why it is that people are having a hard time accepting the changes that society is going through. 

Print ads and TV commercials have been used for many years to brainwash people into buying something or choosing something over something else.  Even though most of us seem to pay little attention to the commercials and ads we see; they are and will always be a subtle form of mind control and society keeps being pushed to look at things in a "traditional" way, a way that is becoming less and less traditional when we actually look at society and how it has changed throughout the years. 

Families are composed of two parents of different racial backgrounds, with science taking of we now have same sex couples racing children, we have single parent families being raised and by single parent I mean either a man who has decided to rear children on his own or a woman who has decided to do the same.  It seems a bit silly that we are still pushing ads for this "tradition" that is no longer one.  

When I was a child, I was one of two children in my classroom that had divorced parents, it was rare that a child would not have their parents together and even more rare that the parents were not around to raise said child.  I was raised by my grandmother and I remember people actually feeling sorry for me because I did not have a "family".  Truth be told, I had the best family ever! my grandmother and her sister raised me and my cousin (whose parents are still together til this day but because they did not have the means to send her to a good school my aunt decided to take her on and well, she lived with us and we were raised together).  To me, my family unit were two women, who had worked hard their whole lives and had managed to make it in the world on their own, they were not married and did not ever seem to have the need to have a man around the house.  In fact, if you ask my aunt why she never got married, her answer always was that she did not want to be washing clothes for some guy and she wanted to always spend her free time travelling, and so she did.  

My grandmother separated from my grandfather when the guy that I was taught to call dad was very little.  It did not work out so she moved on and made a life for herself and on her own.  Both these women love us so damn much, and always made sure we were taken care of.  The household I was raised in was a house where I always had a choice and whenever I made it I would have to live with the consequences that choice had.  Until these day I still don't understand why people felt bad for us, we did not know any different so for us, it was our norm.  

Seeing these ads keep the focus on a "traditional family" one that is quickly becoming non-traditional because really has Disney not seen who visits their parks?  I am pretty sure that there are just as many interracial families visiting parks as families that come from the same racial background.  What about couples that decide to adopt children from other countries? And same-sex couples? We keep wondering why it is that people have little tolerance for same-sex marriage, interracial families and single parent families.  Look at TV commercials, at print ads in newspapers, magazines and billboards, look in the web and see how many times we actually see an ad that is promoting a vacation or a celebration where an interracial couple or same sex couple or even a single parent and their child is portrayed.  There are very little, and most times if we do see an ad like that we see it for a campaign that promotes tolerance to it. 

Want to see tolerance towards the society we live in now? The change has to start with the soft forms of mind control we are all subjects to, those big companies that say that they support gay-marriage should be the ones to have their ads showing that support, what good does it do to just say it out loud and follow a campaign when all of your ads focus on not just the opposite of it but on something that is no longer a big taboo subject anymore. 

I would love to see Disney create an ad for their vacation packages where we see different kinds of families, because it is not sad for a child to be raised by one parent, or by two parents of the same sex, or of two parents of different races, or to be raised by two parents that are of different race than their child or children (and I could go on).  It is sad to see a child being raised by people that do not love said child and that do not provide a save and comfortable environment for the child.  It is sad to see children being put in situations that they are not comfortable in but because we follow outdated views we force them to be in those situations.  It is sad that our system puts children at risk every single day by sending them back for the third or fourth time to abusive parents.  That is what is sad, but a child who has a parent or two parents or more, no matter the race or sex, that care, love and provide a stable home environment for said child, is not sad; it is something that should be embraced and should be shown to the world.  Maybe if we did that, we would start to see a difference in the attitude towards what society calls "non-traditional families". 

PS: Look up images of family in Google, see what comes up first!

On Death and Dying

Today I found myself saying: "It will be fine, in the end I will end up alive and well or dead and finally resting... Either outcome is not a bad one."  And then as the day kept going and I kept running around town getting things done, I started to think how there might be some people that would think of me crazy for saying such a thing, others that would think of me as someone that is extremely negative or just insanely depressed.
The thing is that those words came through to me with a smile on my face and with a weird calmness to it.  I really did not say that (or typed that) in a negative manner, I said it with a sense of feeling that at this moment in time I have no regrets.
I kept thinking how a lot of my friends will say to me that I am young and I should be praying to live another day and to have a long life and blah blah blah... But for me, I only keep asking the universe, God, life, whatever you want to call it, that if I am being continuously granted another day of life, to not allow me to regret anything that happens to me each and every day.  The good, the bad, the ugly... All of it has taught me something, I have learned and grown from each experience and because I have done so I can say at this moment in time with absolute certainty that I have no regrets.
In the past I have done my best with every situation I have been put through, I have given my best to those who I loved and I have said to each of them how much I love them and how grateful I am for them.
There are those with whom I was not able to spend as much time as I wanted to but I learned and accepted that those were things that needed to happen in that way in order for me to grow and learn.  I thought about my grandmother and how she is getting older and sicker, there was a time when I regretted that I am unable to go visit her because there are certain people who are selfish and irrational that have hindered my going to see her.  I used to get really angry at them, but now, there isn't anger, there is acceptance.  The same acceptance I have come to have about the one thing I will never be able to prevent, and that is my death.  We are all going to die, one day, maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe we will be granted more days than we ever could possibly imagine to have, but we will all die.
We are mortals, our physical bodies are finite, and while I go through life adding more things to take care of and more weight over my shoulders that one person could possibly ever bear; I enjoy every single moment of bearing that weight.  I've enjoyed the pain and sorrow, I have enjoyed the anger, the happiness, the moments with the closest of friends, the moments I have cried and was unable to stop. It might sound crazy to say that I've enjoyed the pain, but the truth is that I have, not because of the actual pain but because of what I learned from it.
I've enjoyed each moment of silence, each person that has come and hurt me, and each person that has come and made me smile, each person that has come and left, those who don't seem to be physically around because either they passed away or are far away but that with just one thought I can bring them closer to me even when they don't think I am thinking of them.
I think I have given my best to this life, I have given each person, each situation the savoring that was needed.  And I have faith, I have true faith that things go exactly the way they are supposed to so that the big picture, the end result is true happiness and contentment, with that faith I realize every day that if I was to have to leave this plane of existence today it would be for the best of everyone.
I am ok with thinking this, with knowing this and accepting this, I have found myself ok with living on the right now for 90% of my time, which is a lot given that most humans like to live in the tomorrow rather than in the right now. I am ok with all of this because this has allowed me to not miss out on anything that life has to offer. I have enjoyed the lessons and the happy moments, so how could I possibly ever sit here and ask for more days to live so that I can accomplish more? Instead I ask that if tomorrow I get to get up, I don't forget to live in the now, and I don't forget to enjoy the now at least 90% of the now, to enjoy the pains and the lessons, because the day that I decide to constantly live in the tomorrow and stop living in the today I will become dead while still alive, my soul will then die and that would be worse than physical death.

Only one guarantee in life...

I guess I love pondering about life... I was making my daughter her dinner and suddenly I was thinking about something that most people really think of as a negative thing, death. Most people look at death as something bad, we tend to mourn, we miss, we want to not deal with it sometimes and yet death is the only guaranteed thing that you are given. We go through life thinking that we are guaranteed all these different things, in fact we even tell our selves that if we do certain things we will guarantee that we will get other things we want like if you go to school you will get a good job, if you do well and work hard you will earn enough money, if you save money you will be able to buy a house easy.
And yet none of that is really guaranteed isn't it? You can walk in and get a great job but then it does not matter how hard you work you just don't end up getting that promotion. You can save all you want but that does not guarantee that you will get to buy that house, things can happen that can change all of that. You can work really hard and the money might not end up being enough. Life is unpredictable, and I have learned that I am unable to guarantee anything that I once thought I could guarantee that would happen, but there is one thing I can guarantee to everyone I meet, I can guarantee that they will die. I can't say when, where or how, but one day we will all die.
I think everyone knows that, but we tend to not really be aware of it which is truly a pity because when you think about it, how would we live our lives if we knew exactly when we and our loved ones would die? Would we live them differently? Would we spend more time with them? Would our priorities change just a little bit?
See, the reason we think of death as a negative thing is because when someone we love dies we are filled with regret, even though we don't say it, we don't acknowledge it, we regret the time we did not spend with them. We regret that phone call we did not make, we regret not picking up the phone when they called.
I remember when my great-grandmother passed away, it was one of the saddest days of my life. She helped raised me and I had moved away to a different country, she would send letters sometimes with people that would come and visit, she loved when I would call her and talk to her, that used to make her day, but those calls were very few, one because they were expensive and the other reason was because I was busy trying to get ahead in life, trying to be someone important, someone that would make enough money so that I could get to do all the things I wanted. Then the day came and I was not even around to pick up the phone to hear that she had passed, I ended up receiving a text message from a third person who was telling me "sorry for your loss." It was probably one of the most horrifying experiences of my life and yet even after that, I just figured it was the pain of losing someone who had gotten me so confused and once I sort of got used to the idea (because you never really get used to it, it will always come up if you think of them) and stop thinking about it, I went back to doing the exact same thing, trying to get ahead, make money, be important.
I never realized that I was already important to one person, I was not only important to them but I meant the world to them and I was so busy working and trying to be someone that I completely dismissed it. It's funny how it was not until a few years ago that I realized how much of our life we waste on things that really don't matter in the end, we worry so much and put so much effort on acquiring things rather than acquiring moments. We dismiss the people that are around us that love us so much and to whom we mean so much because we get so caught up in things, that's it, just things.
And some of the things we get caught up in are not even things we enjoy, we go to a job we hate because we believe that eventually we will be able to move up the ladder and get a better job, with better pay. We go to study something we don't like because we think eventually that one piece of paper will guarantee us a good job, with good benefits, with good pay. We forget the dreams we had as children because someone told us that it was too hard to make them come true. We end up living to work and we forget that we are here to work on living. We set aside the ones we love and we replace them with things. Then when their time comes we regret not having spent enough time with them and we dismiss that by saying death is bad, it's negative, it's sad. The truth is that death is guaranteed, death is something every single person will go through, whether it is by their own doing, by someone else's doing or just by nature taking its course, everyone will die.
I feel that the day I accepted that, I started living in a different way, one where most times it feels like I don't really belong in this world because most people don't like talking about this, they say it's too negative and too depressing and maybe that is true for them but for me, it is more depressing to see how much people miss out on because they think they have one more day to live. I see it every day, the moments they are given, they take each of them for granted, some people spend their lives trying to get revenge, others spend it trying to acquire things, others spend it trying to "become someone", they work so hard for things... And then there are those who are older and who have been where you are at right now, living to work, who now don't have to "work" anymore, and all they really want is a phone call, they will tell you how much they work in their life and now they are having health issues, they are too tired to go out, they wish they would have had more time with their loved ones and most of all they wish we could see that all that we work so hard for, all that we worry so much for in the end it all becomes irrelevant. They wish we could see that we are already important because we are important to them, because we mean the world to them and they wish we would just stop for one moment and think how today could be their last day and if it was then what would we say tomorrow if we got to see it?
And let's not forget those who are around our age, the ones who are working so hard to get ahead, what happens when a friend loses their life? They get shocked that their friend die so young, what about a close friend? Usually the same thing, but it is not that they died so young that we are shocked at because we all know that death is guaranteed at any age, we are shocked because we are reminded of it. But do we ever change our habits, or even attempt to change them in order to not have that regret when a loved one dies? Usually it ends up being that we mourn and we sort of learn to live without that person, and then the next one dies and we do the same thing, never acknowledging where the pain is truly coming from. Could it be a little less painful if we had spent more time with them while they were alive? I always wonder, when I say to myself I have so much to do that I don't have time to pick up the phone and call my grandmother, someone I mean the world to, what would happen if today was the day death took her? How would I feel tomorrow about not making that call today, it forces me to slow down, and while yes there is a lot that is going on and a lot that I have to do, I still stop and wonder about whether my time, the little time I have is being well spent or if it is being spent too much on trivial things, because if this was to be the last day I lived what would I want to do differently? If I say nothing, then I know I am on the right path, but if the answer to that question is something different than what I currently am doing then I know a change is needed.
With that in mind, with knowing that you are guaranteed your death, what would you do if today was your last day? What about the people that you love, if you knew today was their last day, what would you do, would you do something different than what you are doing right now? Think about it! Maybe there are changes that need to be made. :)

Let's keep the talk going...

I am glad that there are still people talking about depression, because the reality is that everyone has gotten depressed at some point in their lives but we all have had ways of dealing with those feelings. Everyone is different, so everyone will react different. 

I have talked to many people through the years and a lot of them will say how selfish it is to commit suicide, you are not thinking about the people that love you but you are only thinking of yourself, at some point in my life I thought that it was an act of cowardice to go ahead and just end your life because it is easier to die than it is to keep on fighting. 

Then I put a lot more thought into it and realized how is neither selfish or an act of cowardice, it takes a lot more courage to end your life than it does to live it because we are born with the drive to live. A newborn cries when he/she is hungry because they want to be fed, they need to be fed in order to survive and everything we do throughout our lives is mostly done because we have a need to live. 

Most people are scared of dying, most will not even talk about it, we grow up thinking we will live tomorrow when we fully well know that we really don't know that. We plan our future because we want to live until that point... So, in order for someone to go for it and end their lives, they have to be in so much pain that they start to feel that ending life it's the best option. For me, there is no other explanation for it. 

But what causes people so much pain? Why are we now living in a world where depression and suicide rates are so high? I kept thinking about how we are asking people to speak up if they feel lonely and sad, and maybe it's just because I have this ideal that there are things that can definitely be prevented if we don't wait until the last minute to say how we feel, and maybe I am looking at this the wrong way but I feel we need to look deeper and find out why it is that people are getting so depressed. To look at the world around us and maybe make a difference before getting a call or having to make that call saying I can't handle any of this anymore and there is too much pain so let me just end it. 

We live in a world that has forced us to prioritize things in a way that shouldn't be. We are raising children in a world where what matters most is money and things. We are living in a world where we are disconnected from nature and more connected to devices. We live in a world that has handed us devices that make us think that we have more time to do more things, to talk to more people and give every single one of them our undivided attention. We live in a world where those devices have become such a part of us that some of us have experienced panic attacks because we forgot our phones at home, in fact most of us will go back to the house to pick up their phone even if they are running late for a meeting, and the phone is not important to us because we might get a call from someone, the phone is important to us because with it we entertain ourselves, we ignore calls and instead we text numerous people, we think that having 3 different conversations going is absolutely great and we fool ourselves into thinking that we are truly paying attention to everyone we are "talking" to. 

We give importance to the wrong things. We work so hard to have certain things in life, we want the house, the car, the saved money in the bank, we tell ourselves that once we are "financially stable" then we will be happy, but we continue to struggle with it, because the more we earn the more we want and the more we spend, the more debt we get into, the more we become slaves to money and things, because we think that we have to reward ourselves with the better car, the bigger house, the better phone, the new computer, etc etc for working our asses off in a job we really did not want to do in the first place but that we took simply because we were going to make enough money.

People become truly miserable living that way and yet they ignore it, they ignore it by repeating the above, when I get this I will be happy, when I get that I will be happy, meanwhile they are missing out on the things that really do make them happy. Those little things that fill you with so much joy that you shine, those things end up getting ignored because we are focused on the next thing, the next goal, the next raise. We forget to chase our dreams because we want to chase money, we dream of money, we have been brainwashed to think that all of our problems will be solved with money and we forget about the people. 

People are what matter, not the quantity of people we have around but the quality of them, the dreams we have are what matter not the money that you will get from reaching those dreams but the satisfaction that your soul gets from doing what you love. We are sitting here telling everyone to reach out when they are sad, and about to commit suicide but most of what I see being posted is a phone number for the National Suicide Line, and I keep thinking: boy! the world is changing in some way that I really don't like, we are saying here is a phone number of someone that will answer the phone because the persons you love the most and that you want to reach out to were too busy to pay attention and the likelihood that they will answer the phone is so low that we need to have a dedicated line of certified counselors (that don't know you at all) try to convince you why you are important in this world and why you need to keep living, because the people that should be reminding you of that every day got too busy chasing money and fame that ignored the signs of depression you started to show months or even years ago. 

I feel we don't just need to ask people to speak up, we also need to ask ourselves to listen. I feel that we need to pay more attention to the people we love. I feel we need to start prioritizing differently. We need to change the way we do things and we need to start living life, so that we don't get to that depressing point of having to reach out to someone for help when it could all have been avoided. While it is true that depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, it is also true that we are creating that imbalance not just by focusing on the wrong things but also by thinking we can do more than we actually can. We are now in a world that allows you to somehow (and this is the only way that I have of describing it) collect people, we now, in some part of our brain look at people like things, without realizing it. Our children are being raised in that world, how many teens are on Facebook and looking at their "friend" count? How many adults are doing the same? How many put so much emphasis on it? The more we have the more popular we are and somehow we tell ourselves that will makes us feel better when it really doesn't, we are living in a world surrounded by people and feeling the loneliest we've ever felt and we ignore it. 

There is a famous Robin Williams quote that says: "I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel alone." That is the world we live in now because we are putting too much emphasis on the how many rather than on the quality of people, and to me that is one of the biggest recipes for disaster. I am not saying to you quit social media and focus on the people you love, I am just saying focus more on the interactions you have with people, focus more on the people that really matter to you, make the people you feel are important in your life feel that they are that important to you. Don't let them feel like they are alone, give them time, there is no better way of showing them that you love them than by giving them your time. When we start to realize that a job is really not that important, that things are really not that important because the reality is that you can replace both those things but you can't replace the important people in your life, that's when the world will start to be different. When we actually start doing things to change this behavior of slavery towards things rather than just telling ourselves that we are going to do that, then we will see a change in the world. When we start changing ourselves rather than waiting for the world to change, that is when the world will start changing. When we stop ridiculing people for following their dreams and not the money. When we start doing the things we love rather than saying hey let me work right now as much as I can right now, save money for retirement and then I can do the things I love while ignoring the fact that we don't know if we will get to live to that age and we should start living and doing the things we love now. When we start to be grateful for what we have rather than being focused on getting more. When we stop talking and start acting, then the world will change. 

I really wish people would pay more attention to those around you, those you consider important in your life, I wish we stopped using the "I'm too busy" excuse to not make that phone call, I wish people didn't just say "you are important in my life" but actually showed it, if we did that then maybe the world would be less depressed and less people would commit suicide or even attempt it. I wish people would encourage others to really follow their dreams and what makes them happy, maybe then we would have less depression and more happiness. I wish that we spent more time actually talking than typing a whole conversation out.  Most of all I wish people would actually look at themselves and have the courage to admit when something is wrong rather than ignoring it until it becomes too heavy to bear. 

So not just tell people to speak up, they need someone to be there to listen, someone that they know and that really cares about them, the ones you love need you more than your boss, the ones you love need you more than they need the things you will be able to buy them for Christmas after all the extra hours you decided you needed to work. The ones you love need your time and you need theirs, don't fool yourself thinking that when you get that next raise you will be happier, that the people you love will be happier not being able to spend time with you because now that you got that promotion you have to work more hours. Show them that they are important and let them show you that you are too, don't ignore the call for that person you love, it does not matter who they are, mom, dad, significant other, sister, niece, nephew, cousin or dear friend... Stop getting so caught up in living to work and start working on living, I have a feeling that if we all did that we would be a lot happier and a lot less depressed...

RIP Robin Williams

As I am sitting here unable to stop crying because of this lost to the world, a lost of a person who made people laugh for a living, he was one of those actors who truly touched people's lives with his gift and yet he was so sad inside.
I keep wondering what he must have felt, how much pain he must have been in, so much pain that he figured it was better to inflict more pain to himself so that it will all end.
A lot of people say that taking your life is a sign of cowardice and at some point in my life I thought so too, but when you really think about it, you realize that no one likes to be in pain and those who have attempted suicide or have actually succeeded at taking their lives must have been in so much pain at the moment that they found the courage to hurt themselves just so that their pain would end. They must have felt like they were being tortured and they just wanted it to end.
Most people will never understand that pain unless they have been through it, most think that you have to endure life and keep fighting, keep going, that you have to be brave and overcome whatever it is that is troubling you because someone somewhere has it worse than you. But to you that does not matter, because maybe those that have it worse than you actually were born with the ability to endure and deal with the things that happened to them in a different way than you and therefore those worse things do not affect them the same way they would affect others.
Today though the most prominent thing that came to my mind as I was reading my news feeds was that at the end of your life, once you are gone, everyone will remember how you made them feel, the smiles you brought to them, the laughter, your kindness. I kept reading posts from people who have met Robin Williams personally and people who, like me, were touched by his art, his gift, and not one of them mentioned anything other than the feeling they had by being around him. We live in a world where we put so much emphasis into obtaining things, into how much money we are going to make, into worrying about how much debt we have to pay, how nice the car we drive has to be, the title on the door of our office, trying to obtain an office and we rush through life giving all of this so much importance when in the end none of that is really relevant.  People today did not count how many cars Robin had, they did not quote how much money he made, they did not point out how many houses he had or how much each one was worth, they all focused on the times that they spent with him, the times they laughed and cried while watching one of his performances. The world we live in has made us to believe that the things that really don't matter should be the ones we focus more on, should be the ones we give more importance to, and in our constant battle to get those things we lose the connections to the people we are around and when we lose those connections we start to believe that we are all alone and when we feel alone and give into loneliness we invite depression to set in. When we invite depression to come into our lives we start to give it power and we let it over take our life and fill our life with more pain than we can handle.
When we allow ourselves to focus on all the wrong things we forget that there are others who need us, we forget that just helping out someone else, even if it is just listening to them for a bit, can give us a bit of hope and can spark a light in us that we can't get from things.
Think about this for one minute, what are you mostly struggling for? What is it that is making you unhappy? and then think about whether that will matter when you are dead. Think about those who bring a smile to your face when you think about them, take a moment and thank them for being there, take a moment to let them know that you are there if they ever need to talk. Take a break from your crappy job and spend time with the ones you love. Make that phone call, send that text. Connect to the world! If we truly want less people to hurt themselves then we need to start getting connected to the world again, not just through a screen, because through a screen your emoji will never be able to show exactly how you feel. Go out there, hear the voice of the ones you love, some might be thinking that they are alone right now and that they've been forgotten and they might be opening the door for depression to come in and with your call you might make them feel better.
How about we don't just start talking about depression and what it is and how we need to talk about at the moment we feel like we can't handle the pain anymore, how about we talk about how we can prevent getting to that point. How about we open up and we talk about how we feel to those we love, how about we also start listening to those we love when they start talking. Let's prevent people from getting so far into a dark cave that they stop seeing the light that shows the way out. Let's not just talk about it, let us take action on it.

What can we learn from the Savannah situation on Mistresses

Here I was watching Monday's episode of Mistresses and while I really thought they would not be able to keep this season as interesting as last season and after agreeing with most everyone that after last season's cliff hanger the first episode of the second season was really not that great, the writers have managed to keep me coming back and keep on watching.  

With that said, while watching Monday's episode it suddenly dawned on me how much the show can teach us about interpersonal relationships and out ability to actually have and keep one going.

Let me start with Savannah and Harry, perfect example of how a couple that has been together for several years can fall apart and the relationship be completely destroyed because of lack of communication. HUH you say? She cheated on him with her co-worker, what am I talking about right? Well, why did she cheat? how did she end up in the hands of Dominic (by the way I really don't like him at all, I don't care how hot he looks), she had an argument with Harry and Harry was not really ready to talk about what was going on in his head so he decided to close himself up to his wife and in doing so his wife felt like now everything was gonna be over and therefore well the moment she had with Dom ended up being something that turned out to be super messy.....

Now, I am not giving Savi a free pass, she definitely made a mistake and she made a big one! Breaking the trust of the person that has been there with you for all those years and who has been loyal to you is just not right at all... But shit happens and once it did then what? After Harry found out and the reaction he had, which let me tell you something anyone that said that it was bad to react that way and ask her to choose between him and her baby, just put yourself in that situation for one moment... Your wife comes to tell you that she is pregnant with the child of another guy after having sex with said guy just one time and after you and her have been trying to get pregnant for a long time and after you were just told that it was not your wife the one with the problem but that it was you, how the hell would you react? Do you really expect anyone to react any different? This is why it is called a reaction, you really don't think about things when you are full of confusion, sadness and disappointment. 

Which leads me to another thing this teaches us, something all of us should already know but because we are human we really don't apply it much to our day to day lives: NEVER, I repeat NEVER, make a decision or talk about something while you are still having all these negative feelings flowing in you, and NEVER, I mean NEVER, push a person to talk about an issue if they are not ready to do so, you will end up hurt and might end up hearing words that you won't be able to get out of your head, something else that you will have to overcome. 

And that brings me to this: In everything you will encounter in life, every problem you encounter, and with every relationship you will ever have one of the other key components is how much patience you will have to handle it.  No one can expect someone else to get over hurt and sorrow and a break in loyalty immediately, it takes time to heal and when trust has been broken it takes a lot of time to over come that, some people are able to do so and others are not, but it is whether you have the capability to wait and see if the other person comes around, if they are worthy of you waiting, especially if you are the one that messed up, then you wait, and you stay put, but our inability to do so is usually what drive us to make the wrong decisions and fall into the wrong situations. When you don't know which decision to make is best to make none, eventually I promise you that you will find the clarity and the answer will come.

Savi did not wait, she wanted Harry to get over things quickly, and then when the car accident happened and Harry came around she decided to push him away and stay with Dom, she was hurt because of how things had been and instead of waiting to heal, she chose in a moment that was clouded by emotions and not thinking that sometimes it takes something big to happen in order to make another human being realize what they have, it's a shame that that's how life works but it's how it works.  Sometimes just the idea that that other person is no longer gonna be there with you or for you ends up making you realize how much they mean to you and the rest ends up being insignificant.

Let's touch a little on the Savannah and Dominic relationship...

Any relationship that starts with one person knowingly deceiving another person is bound to fail, now I am not saying that it is not possible to make things work, but think about this the mistrust that Savannah pointed out to Dominic at the beginning of season 2 will always be there, it was still there, she did not trust Dominic, I think she really does not trust anyone at the moment, not even herself so how can you expect anyone to trust her. I was kind of glad that the episode ended the way it did, it brings me to another lesson, no matter whether you are the one that hurt someone else or the one being hurt, you have to take time to be with your own thoughts and figure out exactly what it is you want. Savannah never did that, you can't go from a relationship that has lasted years and jump right into another one, you have to have time to figure what the hell happened, even when you were the one cheating, why did you cheat? did you cheat because you were not in love with the person you were with anymore or did you cheat because you were feeling that there was something missing that it was actually there before? In either case you have to learn about it and it takes time to do so, it does not happen over night and you will definitely not figure it out while you are investing your time in a new relationship. 

All in all, this situation that has been presented in the show, which I think a lot of people can relate to in one way or another and it's why the show is (in my view) very powerful, shows us that interpersonal relationships take a lot of effort, a lot of work on both parts, a lot of patience and an extreme amount of understanding of the other person to make them work. The trust and loyalty you build with another person is priceless, getting to know someone in a deeper level takes a lot of time and communication, you never really stop learning from them and every situation that might arise will give you further insight on them, their reactions will not always be what we expect because in order for us to know exactly how someone will react we first have to put that someone in that situation and if the situation has not arise before then you won't know, they won't know and if they don't know then you have to give it time, the question in the end will be: Is this relationship worth saving? If it is then it is worth the wait, and if it is worth the wait then you should do just that, wait. If it is not then you should take time on your own and slowly move on, and if you are focusing on having the next relationship, the next encounter and worrying when it will happen then you are not really spending time on your own, don't jump into the next relationship thinking that the next person will make all your doubts disappear and make you happy, that is a lot of responsibility to put on someone, especially when that other person will still be working on making themselves happy. Always remember that the only person that will ever be able to put your mind at ease and that can truly make you happy is you. 

Making a relationship work

I am probably the worst person to write about this, I've had many failed relationships and the reality is that I am one of those human beings who is just too damn scared of entering a romantic relationship but I guess I feel that because of all the failed relationships I've had I've learned with each of them what made them fail and I guess if you know what can make something fail then you can sort of figure out what can make it work.
Most people enter into a relationship pretty much hiding themselves behind an image they think will get others to like them, they make the other person believe all this greatness about them and then struggle to keep the facade as time goes on.
Other people do that same thing but they do it just because they think that the idea of having a relationship means that their job is to make every effort to make the other person happy, they don't understand that happiness is an inside job and therefore as time goes by they realize that they have wasted time and effort on an impossible task, it was not their job to make the other person happy.
Which is what brings me to the first thing that makes a relationship work: honesty. Yes, yes, I know, no duh! hello! you all did not need to read all of that in order to know that honesty is one of the things that make a relationship work. But I am talking about being honest from the very beginning of it, from the first conversation, why waste your time trying to impress someone else by not being who you really are, if at the end of the day if  they don't fall in love with who you really are or you make them believe you are someone else then eventually it will all go to hell, eventually either they will find out the little things you do that they can't live with or eventually you will get too tired of pretending and that will be it.... Then you both realize that you were with someone you really did not know and then how do you know you love them if you don't really know them?
I wish people would actually take heart to that first advice, but I know they won't. Everyone will say I will do this, this makes sense but in the end fear will take over and it won't happen.
That brings me to my next advice... As humans we are always thinking about tomorrow, I've said this millions of times, we are so worried about what will happen tomorrow that we forget to live in the right now, we make plans for many months to come and we forget that life can change in a heartbeat. Because of our need to plan out our future, fear tends to take over us, we are always afraid our plans will not come to fruition, we are afraid that we will fail even though we have not tried yet. And so it comes that we fear that the relationships we enter into will fail, we keep thinking that the other person is too good to be true, we keep thinking they are lying to us all the time, we think they don't love us enough, we worry that it will end tragically when it has just began, the wheel of fortune tells us that our fortune can change at any time but life shows us that when that wheel is going in our favor the best thing to do is actually take full advantage of it and enjoy it.
I, myself, am one of those that will think of the worst, in the end I like to be pleasantly surprised than to be sadly disappointed, my soul, my heart, my intuition, all of it has always had a way of guiding me but when it comes to other people I have sometimes led myself be guided by logic and really that has not helped me at all, lately I've been learning to just follow that intuition and "hunches" that "gut feeling" when it comes to other people and it has not steered me wrong, even this past time when at the end I lost someone I love very much, but that thought logically (just like I once did) about life. And even though I was hurt that everything just sort of ended and I tried to make all these rationalizations as to why it would have never worked out either, even though for some reason I felt like if we just kept going day by day neither of us would have ever regretted it. We were just friends and that's where it was left. I know I followed my intuition and my heart and I know that my mind had played a lot of tricks on me before and I know that I used to be one of those people that would listen to everyone else and not myself, trying to make life rational and logical when it is neither.
And the mind this time continues to do so, it is the way it wants to protect me from being even more hurt. Constant battle I would say, that's how I know I was correct, because my mind is trying to make some illogical logical... Which is what brings me to my next advice:
Don't try to rationalize love, don't try to have an insane amount of set rules for a relationship you want, life has shown me that a good relationship flourishes in the most illogical ways, it is when you start to try and rationalize it that you will end up failing at it because love is not logical, it is a force you just feel and that's it! You can't explain it, no one can, you just feel it and it's magnetic, always magnetic. If everything else is working and you have one or two things you think that will just completely ruin everything, think about it again... Do you and this person have good communication? And in saying good communication I mean, can you two talk about things without getting into huge arguments, or if you ever get into arguments can you guys settle them promptly and calmly? Can you talk about what bothers you without the other person getting offended?
If the answer is yes, then it does not matter what things you think will make the relationship not work, you can talk about those things and I believe you will be pleasantly surprised at how things end up working out.
That brings me to the most important thing of all... Communication! Communication is the key to every successful relationship, whether the relationship is just a friendship or a romantic relationship or even a relationship with your kids, if you are not able to communicate with another person you will never have a chance of the relationship working out. Communication is the base of every single relationship, it is what allows trust and respect to grow and that trust and respect are the base for love. As the picture shows, it is not love that we start with, is communication... A long time ago, I had a great relationship, I was 18 years old and this guy and I, we were able to tell each other almost everything, I learned that the more we talked the more we trusted each other, the more we respected each other, 2 years later we forgot this is what made the relationship so great, we never argued, I think in the two years we only had 2 big arguments, and while for some people that might be boring, it was our ability to talk to each other honestly from the very beginning that made all the difference. The last argument we had was what ended up causing the breakup, as stated we had forgotten to talk to each other and he started to mix in that fear of failure and because of lack of communication he started to not trust me, and in turn that ended up making me not trust him, so he started to think logically and decided the best thing was to plan his life out without me and without me knowing, by the time we actually sat down and talked and realized we loved each other very much, it was too late, we had lost (or at least I did) that trust and it was only a matter of time before respect went away with it, and of course the communication between the two of us had already been damaged, so we had two choices we could try again or we could go our separate ways, after a month or so we decided we needed to go our separate ways, mostly because I was just not in it anymore, I could not get over that he couldn't talk to me about the fears he was having, even though I was always open and never judging and that was an even bigger betrayal than if he had gone out and cheated on me. (yes I know that is weird but it's true)
Just like that relationship failed because of lack of communication, so did all my other relationships. Some were never going to go anywhere because the people involved could not ever talk truthfully to each other, or when they did the other wouldn't listen and would just try to make themselves believe something different.  That's what happened with my ex-husband, he was great at talking but everything he said was a lie, I never followed my intuition and so I decided to just go with the logical approach, it turned out that my intuition was right, and the reason I could never seem to trust him was because he was not telling me everything, sure there are things and secrets people should keep to themselves but not the ones that will affect the other person, when you are in a relationship you are a team and if you can't trust the other person with all the things you feel, fear and the things you do that might not be socially accepted then your relationship is doom to fail! If you don't have the courage and strength to show your true self to the other person then you have nothing. And if you have the courage and strength to show yourself to the other person and that other person decides that they will judge you for it then it won't work either.

So, if you find someone who is truthful to you, someone you are able to see all of their flaws and weaknesses, someone that makes you fill up with joy only because they are so happy, because seriously no one can make you happy but yourself but if there is someone who lights up when you light up or you light up because they light up in joy that's it! Someone with whom you can communicate in the best ways possible, someone that somehow makes you want to be better, that pulls out the best of you and sometimes the worst in you but you know that pulling the worst out of you means that they give you the chance to better yourself without judging you, and they give you the time to either accept yourself the way you are or change it if you want to and in the end they accept whatever decision you make, someone that something inside you just tells you that they are not lying, that you should just give it a shot, even though this person might not be what you thought you wanted in life, then take a leap of faith and jump right in, you will be amazingly surprised at how great things will end. Listen to your inner voice and don't be scared of it, don't give into fear and run away, I know it's hard to do and takes lots of practice, I, myself, continue to struggle with it but I have faith that slowly but surely I will come to just follow my gut feeling and nothing else, because every time I follow it, it never steers me wrong.

Just a random thought on love.

I'm feeling a bit romantic today, I guess that's the word I can give this feeling, just thinking about love which I have been thinking about a lot more lately than I've ever had before.

What is love and why is it so powerful, we have yet to figure that out but love is not selfish, love does not hurt, love gives all and when we find that, it becomes the most scary thing, because it's not about how many things you can do together, how much money you have, how much sex you have, it's about the things you do for each other without expecting anything in return and that in itself is scary.

It's scary to thing that another human being is willing to do anything for you and expect nothing in return, that's usually just love that our parents give and even them don't really do that, our parents always expect us to be our very best. 

It's scary to think that someone you know has seen all your flaws, has seen you at your worst, has seen all the bad and good you can be and they won't judge, not one moment will they look at you in judgement, you might think they do because we tend to judge ourselves harshly but they never do. Finding someone that accepts you, all of you, all that you are and is not bothered by it at all, someone that just knows that's you and if you weren't you they probably couldn't love you as much... That's a hard thing to find, a hard thing to accept once you've found it because it's almost unreal! 

We always think how could someone that has seen my all, good and bad, still want to be around me? But that is love, some say love is blind but it is not that love is blind, it is that true love accepts the other person exactly how they are, its only goal is to make sure the other person is happy and their happiness brings you happiness.

But it is a scary thing because with life things can change and being human means we will try our hardest to protect ourselves from getting hurt, so we build walls, we run, we hide when we find someone that's all willing for us, that's so loyal to us but never asks us to be loyal to them. That form of true unconditional love is so unreal, that you find it only in fairy tales.

So we say this is too unreal, it must not be real and because it is not real I should just stay away from it, let me run, let me hide before all this happiness happens because if it happens and it turns out that it was all a lie then I will have no saving.

The thing is that no matter how hard one person tries, true love is hard to hide and it's even harder to pretend that it does not exist, you can see it in their eyes, they light up when you make them smile, they light up when you smile and they get sad when the thought of losing you comes to mind because as humans we always think about loss, we have learned that nothing lasts forever, one day people die and they are no longer physically around but we must always remember that the memories we made with them will always remain and no one can take that away from us.

Once I thought: there will always be new things that come along, there will always be new people, new places to go, but there will only be one time, some are lucky and end up experiencing it twice, when you will meet someone with whom no matter what you are doing or not doing, the rest of the world does not exist, someone who makes you smile just by thinking about them, that will drive you absolutely insane because they can be the most annoying person in the world, yet you can't stand not having them around, one person that will be able to open the walls you've created and that will come right in and make themselves at home, and they will see the house messy and things that need to be changed but they won't want to change them, they know that those things are what make you you and you are the best person you can be and because of that they will inspire you to be better, to do better. One person that will risk it all, that will help you keep going, that will shake you down when you need to be shaken down because you are not being yourself, that will laugh with you, one person that will make a huge difference in your life, one person that you will just feel like you've known them for your entire life. When you find that person don't let go, don't be afraid to jump in. If they've seen your worst and they are still around, if they have a key to unlock the walls that surround you because they kept persisting until they found that key, if they are someone you can just naturally flow with and the idea of ever losing them or not being around them makes you feel like there is a knife being push into your stomach, if the idea of them being unhappy makes you feel the same way then don't be afraid to jump in especially if they show the same amount of caring and love for you, you can replace everything else in life but those kinds of people that love you unconditionally they don't come around as often as you think... You would be very lucky if you get to experience it more than once. 

Relationships don't last now a days, but why?

And so I was going through my Facebook news feed a few moments ago and I saw an status update from a friend that said that relationships and marriages are a gamble in today's world, but see relationships are not a gamble it's just that the world has changed a heck of a lot in the past couple of hundred years and with that change we have also changed the way we view and the way we conduct our relationships.

A hundred years ago society saw divorce as the worst thing you could ever do, if you got married you had to stay married, no matter what, even 50 years ago women would refuse to get a divorce even if they knew their husbands had a pregnant mistress on the side, the mistress always remained a mistress and the poor child would grow up hidden in the shadows of the affair with the big "bastard" sign on their forehead (yes I know a few older couples that have been in that situation and their families just found out about the other woman and the child when the child turned 30 years old and now there was no use in hiding it anymore) Now a days we don't tolerate that, a woman is not going to remain married to a man that is cheating on her, she will divorce him and take half his money and move on, as painful as it will be for her. 

Then you have the other side, women cheating on men, that was something that rarely happened back 100 or even 50 years ago, but now it is a more common thing, women now are allowed to express themselves more freely, especially when it comes to our sexuality, back then we were not allowed to do that, sex was something that was very personal, very intimate, especially for a woman, it was not allowed to leave the bedroom of a husband and wife. Think about how sex is now, it is thrown in everyone's faces, you turn the TV on and there it is. This freedom helps create an image of a man that does not exist, and suddenly we start looking for it... And when you look for something you usually end up finding it.

Add social media and the way we communicate with everyone, we have the entire world at our fingertips, there are apps where you can find a girl or a guy that is within miles of you and you can ask them to meet up, just with the touch of a button, it's right there. It's so easy to find someone new and exciting to replace the old one. I mean how exciting is it to meet a new person? To learn about them, have a nice conversation with someone about what they like and what they don't like, all that usually lasts about two months, and after that you tend to not talk as much because well even though there is still a lot to learn from the other person, the excitement level goes down and so you feel like you have to look for someone new...

With that said, add now how we communicate with each other.  I have always said that the basis of any relationship is communication, there is no such thing as love first and everything else coming from it, the truth is you cannot love someone without knowing them (and if you are gonna say well what about the love of a mother for their child, well let me tell you something, a child is an extension of the mother so the mother already knows the child because they know themselves). A relationship, any relationship, first starts with communication, you talk, you learn about each other, but back then you had to do it either in person or by talking on the phone, there was no such thing as texting or email or social media, you actually had to be there. Your presence makes a big difference! Now a days we communicate how? a text here, a text there and I have said this before: have you ever gone back and read an entire conversation you had with someone over text and realized that you missed something the other person had texted because you were too busy typing your answer to the question they had sent before that one text you missed? Yeah, it happens a lot! not only that but you can never feel the emotion or read body language on a text, the best you are ever gonna get is a emoji trying to explain how the other person feels a that moment.

Let's keep going with this social media thing, (I am beginning to think this is possibly too long of a blog post but who cares, I am trying to get my point across haha!) because of social media now a days it is a heck of a lot easier for someone to pretend they are something they are not.  Because of social media it is a lot easier for someone to learn about another person without having to ask them about themselves, we live in a world that over shares everything, we live in a world where we see everything through the lens of a camera phone, we live in a world where everything you like on the internet can be easily seen by other people... And with that you now live in a world where someone who is your "friend" on Facebook can easily find things about yourself and pretend to like the same things you like only because they want to get you in bed. They can easily become the perfect person for you. (yes I know that is pretty scary but ohh so true!!!)

I am going to add one more thing to that social media over sharing... What do people do now a days when they have a problem? they post it on their social media profile. Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google+ are all our outlets for relationship problems, we don't go and talk to the person about it anymore, we post it and wait for our friends to comment, and then we get that one friend that is the kind that likes to get involved in everything that always wants to give advice on how to deal with the relationship, or the guy or the girl who has been secretly waiting for you to have an issue with the person you are currently with just so that they can come in and tell you how they would NEVER do that to you! Again making it a heck of a lot easier to dump one and replace it with another. 

With all this I have just one more thing to add... there is one thing that human beings fear the most, we have an extreme fear of being alone, that fear is usually what gets us to pick the wrong person, that fear is what get us to jump into relationships too quickly, that fear is what does not allow us to maintain the relationship we have now. And because of how our society is changing, now a days we are even less accustomed to being alone and enjoying our solitude, the solitude we all need to get our thoughts together and figure out what we really want out of life.  We are always surrounded by someone, always in constant communication with someone that we don't listen to ourselves anymore and because of that our fear of being alone has increased tremendously and because of it more and more people rush into things, we don't take the time anymore to learn about the other person, to get the trust and the respect to grow like it should, to take it day by day and be friends first and see if that other person can be a good partner for you, to actually enjoy each other alone without the noise of the world telling you what is right and what is wrong for you. We don't take the time to show the other person who we really are because we are afraid that they might leave us if we do, so we go on pretending to be someone we are not until we become so unhappy that we can't pretend anymore, and I guess that's where the gamble comes into place, because at that point all you can do is hope that this other person falls in love with the real you and most times they don't so the fear of being left alone becomes true quicker than you thought...

That is why relationships don't last now a days, because the world has changed and we have forgotten the most basic things that make a relationship work. We have let ourselves get dragged into a world where we listen to everyone else but ourselves, where everyone else has the answer but not us, where we put on a screen in front of our faces and pretend we are someone we are not. We have gotten dragged into a make believe world where we have people telling us how you know when you have met the one? And we have forgotten that the only person that knows how they've met "the one" is you, because your "the one" is not the same "the one" for someone else.