-What's new?

-I don't think you would be interested....

-What makes you say that?

-It just always seems like you are busy with other things, there is always something more interesting than whatever is going on with me, I mean sometimes I even think I am not interesting enough for myself...

Then I start thinking that maybe it's just that I have found myself in a place where the only thing I have to complain about is little stuff that is not even worth mentioning...

Have you ever thought how most times people once they know each other they mostly start talking about what goes wrong in their lives rather than what is positive?

It's so easy to point out every negative thing, but to sit there and actually say hey you know what I have nothing to talk about because I have nothing to complain about... So I did not sleep for 4 days, yes I am tired but I have the power to work as little or as much as I want, I am working for myself and doing things that have a bit of meaning which is great and even though the fear of not making it to the next month, of not having enough money to pay for bills is there, it's not as bad as having to work for people you don't like and listening to other people complain about meaningless things. 

So yeah I have not much to say, and even if I did I don't think it would really matter, most times we are ask what's new or how is it going just out of courtesy for the other person in front of us because really, how many times have you actually wanted to ask that question willingly? I mean do you really care enough about the other person to want to know how they are doing? Maybe it's just me, maybe it's just the fact that I believe most people complain about the most stupid things and because of that I have become extremely detached to those that do just that... and then really when I ask those that I do care about and they tell me what they are going through and I am unable to help I become extremely frustrated, or even worse when I ask what can I do and their answer is nothing and they say it with that "I don't want you doing anything for me because you are not capable of helping me anyway" attitude, that just makes me feel worse so then why the hell would I bother??? The best policy is to just remain silent, after a while and after your willingness to help another is rejected so much, then you just feel like you should just never offer ever again, because obviously you are incapable to do anything for anyone and they obviously are stating they can do it on their own so now go get over your feelings of mediocrity and uselessness that they have just brought upon you... Ohh and by the way how you are feeling is all on you because no one can make you feel any way you don't want to feel.... 

-Wow!!!

-Yes, I know... even though I am extremely quiet, I have a lot in my mind... in fact when I am the quietest is when an extreme amount of thoughts are going through my mind... So much so that again it's better to stay quiet, because if I was ever to put out in the universe everything I was thinking I would never finish, and 99% of the people out there would have absolutely no clue as to what I was talking about, because sometimes even to me, I make no sense... So yeah nothing is new, all is good and the world is great! 

Fall for you by Secondhand Serenade

Ok so I heard this song on Pandora today and first of all let me tell you that this song has no business being put on a Spanish Bachata Pandora station, like seriously Pandora? Total fail!!!
With that said, I have to admit that I was a fan of this song and I used to sing along every time I would hear it, but I never actually paid attention to the lyrics until today which is when it caught more of my attention because of the music I actually wanted to listen to...
Now has any of you actually listened or at least read the lyrics to this song? Maybe it's just me but I was like what? that makes no sense dude!!!!
Let's dissect it for a moment... (yes here I go again possibly over thinking stuff lol)

"The best thing about tonight is that we're not fighting, could it be that we have been this way before": Really? That's the best thing? and then could it be that they were like that before? So when was the last time that these two did not fight? and if all you do is fight then why the hell are you together... like seriously!!!

"But hold your breath because tonight will be the night I will fall for you over again"
What if it takes too long for him to fall in love with her over again? then she might just die holding her breath, I mean what if he tries to fall in love over again and it doesn't happen? I really do feel bad for this chick....

"Don't make me change my mind or I won't live another day, I swear it's true." Ok, so is he gonna die if she changes his mind about him falling in love with her over again? or is he gonna kill himself if she changes his mind about falling in love with her again? either way if she changes his mind then that means he does not fall in love over again and at this point it shouldn't be that big of a deal since obviously at the beginning of the song he is stating that they have been fighting a lot so it did not feel the same anymore plus it seems like he fell out of love with her in which case he is stating that he will either kill himself for someone he is not in love with or will somehow die for someone he is not in love with, either way too much unnecessary and stupid drama... smh!!!

"Because a girl like you is impossible to find" ok so obviously he is taking it a little too far cause he found her... duh! otherwise who the hell is he singing to? an invisible woman that does not really exist cause she is impossible to find? in which case then he is a total lunatic because he is falling in love with thin air... Or maybe he is just a great poet and he is really wanting to fall in love with air, but wait... he suggested that they were fighting a lot, so I guess he has been fighting with air, because how do you fight with someone that's impossible to find? if you can't find them then how do you fight with them? Also it would be pretty funny to see someone fighting with air, is that even possible??? (ok I think I am taking it too far now...)

Last but not least...
"You're impossible to find"
Ok if she is impossible to find then how the hell did you find her in the first place? like did you have some magic powers to make her appear? if so that is totally cool... But seriously, how is he with her if she is impossible to find?

I think I am done... glad I could get that one out of my head...

PS: One more thing... Seconhand Serenade? that's the name of the group? what the hell is a Secondhand Serenade? Did you give the serenade to someone and then when they were done with it you went and gave it to someone else and it was exactly the same? Wait a minute... Why the hell would anyone want a secondhand serenade??? this is nonsense to me!!!

Technology

Random thought of the day....
I woke up thinking to myself how technology has changed in the past few years and how it has accomplished one wonderful gift I wouldn't want to give up, it has given us all the ability to connect with everyone so easily.  I mean just 10 years ago I was not able to speak to my grandmother who lives in Ecuador every week, sometimes I would only be able to speak to her once a month, now thanks to the wonderful gift of technology I can actually talk to her every single day...
My mother who also lives in Ecuador was not able to speak to me or reach me easily, I mean if an email was sent to me just maybe 5 years ago, she would have to wait for me to go ahead and get to my computer and log into my email account and wait for my answer and then she would have to find a computer and do the same... now thanks to the wonderful invention of whats app, she can just send me quick text and there I am (unless I am sleeping, cause then my phone is off and no one can reach me).
Same thing with my cousin, thanks to iMessage and FaceTime we are able to talk to each other at any time without having to pay extreme amounts of money for that one call or texts....
We are all now able to share pictures in an instant with someone else, we are able to share more with others that are not right there with us... But all of this has also come with a big drawback, those that are closer, the ones we spend the most times with and are not too far away, the ones we can personally speak to, they have also gotten so hooked on technology that now a days if you go out with a group of friends everyone is looking down at their phones while also trying to have a conversation with the people that are with them.
Technology not only has allowed us to become closer to those who are far away but it has also made us become more impersonal! So much so that if you were to ever check the minutes used on your cell phone plan you would realize that the unlimited minute plan that you have is just a waste of money because probably you don't use more than 400 minutes a month total... it's kind of sad... then you look at your text message count and it's just an insane amount of texts!!! Lately people even fight over text messaging... which thinking about it today I was like how stupid that is!!! I mean first of all one is typing out one thing and the other person is typing out at the same time and neither really takes a break and both texts get sent out at the same time and then you are trying to read the text that the other person wrote and they are trying to read your text but at the same time neither of you were done typing so then you start typing a new text and neither one of you really gets the point across because there were messages missing or you read the messages so fast that you missed out on something they said that was important to the argument or even the conversation and then it creates a misunderstanding and an even bigger argument....
Or my favorite one... you type out a message and the other person's carrier only send a certain amount of characters and your message is too long so the carriers have to split the message in order for it to actually get to the other person, and then the other person gets like 3 different texts, not in the correct order or vice-versa and you have to figure out what the hell the other person was trying to convey and end up spending more time trying to piece the message back together, which I don't know about you but to me that just frustrates me to no end!!!!
So let's keep this one going... (yes I have a lot to say about this topic, I think I have written a post about my love/hate relationship with technology once) Anyhow, have you ever stopped and thought about how much you have missed because of this wonderful thing called technology? Our insane need to keep in "touch" and to be in constant communication with everyone has made it so that even when you are taking a car ride or a bus ride you are not even looking at whats around you anymore, all you are doing is looking down at your phone and you miss the little things that make life so wonderful! You miss out on the little things that most of us call miracles and the magic that is out there!!!!
How many of us have stopped hearing the birds chirp in the morning? I realized a few days ago that I had forgotten of their existence! the birds are always out there, they are always chirping in the morning, right around 6am they come out and chirp, and what a beautiful sound that is, what a magical moment it is to wake up to that sound, but because I have always been so busy turning on my phone and reading my emails that I have gotten in the middle of the night or after I had turned of my phone and turned in for the night or reading the text messages that were sent to me while the phone was off, reading notifications from all kinds of social media sites and then taking the time to answer them, I had not realize of the existence of those little birds that chirp happily in the morning... I had completely forgotten about them... So then when I realized this I started not checking my phone so quickly, I now get up and hear them chirp, I take a shower, I don't answer anything until I am ready and have eaten and my baby girl is ready to get out the door and I take my damn time even if it means just taking a couple of minutes to contemplate whatever day we are given, whether it is a cloudy day, or a day full of sunshine, but just contemplate it and try to find the beauty in it that always exists....
Is it easy to do? No, it's not, I have to admit that I was at some point addicted to being in constant contact with people, I had to have a conversation with someone and I could not have quiet, but there was a point when it all became overwhelming and I had no idea what was the overwhelming part, today I realized that being in constant communication with the entire world was the overwhelming part.
I realized that while I have gained closeness with some people that are far away and that I miss dearly, I have also become less personal with those that are around me, that I had started to take for granted the company of a friend and a good face to face conversation or just hanging out and watching a movie because everyone else wanted attention all at the same time, so in the end I started to feel like I was missing out more on the little moments... the little memories that I was creating became me behind the camera of my phone taking pictures in order to share every single moment with everyone I wanted to be there and then I realized how much I was missing out on because even though everyone else was not there to see it, I was and all I was doing was seeing it through a damn camera!
Now I know that at some point I might end up falling back into the same old thing and will go back to overwhelming myself by trying to keep up with one too many conversations and trying to capture one too many moments that are best captured in our minds, at the end of it all we are not gonna take the pictures we took with our cameras with us, I would like to think though that the memories we have created with others are the ones that are gonna go through our heads right before the light of life shuts off on us.
And if we want to even be more magical, maybe we go to a place that is all about our good moments, the times we laughed and spent with those we loved, not the times we fought and if all we have is a memory of being in front of a computer or a phone trying to have a philosophical argument or conversation that gets lost at some point because of missing words that we did not get to read or read wrong because we were truly rushing through it... and if you don't believe me, have you ever re-read a conversation you had with someone over text message or an argument after you have had it? I have and it rarely makes any sense... and sometimes there are parts where I go like OMG I totally missed that and my answer made no sense after that...
So anyway... what a wonderful gift and curse technology is, and with the advancement of it I am sure more wonder will come but also I am afraid we are all going to start to become more impersonal to the point where we might not even want to have a face to face conversation anymore because it will be awkward and hopefully that does not really happen but it has already started to happen and I don't think we are fully aware of it, that because it is easier to type out a message and send it, than have that person in front of you and you telling them exactly what you want to say while they see the true expressions of your face, the courage to let another person see the expression on your face while you say important things or even hear the tone of your voice when you are expressing them, we are all losing that courage because the expressions of our faces will never lie, the tone of our voice will never lie, but that can never be express through a text or through an email, you will never be able to get the other person to truly believe how much they mean to you or how angry you really are at the moment, or even the level of sadness or disappointment you are feeling, there are no texts that could possibly ever express true emotion, not even when you use emoticons (which by the way to me they are more of a fun way of trying to convey a message, I always laugh when I use them, just thinking about them makes me smile... hehe)
Alright, I think I have gone on long enough about this, I hope I am not the only one that feels this way, I believe I am not but I then again I could be wrong ;)

When fear takes over...

What do you do when the world seems to be falling apart right in front of you? What do you do when you are full of fear that something bad is going to happen and that fear just takes over? What do you do when everything seems to no longer be going your way? What do you do when you are put in a situation where you have to behave in a specific way, not the way you want to, where you are forced to keep quiet when all you really want to do is yell out loud your own truth?
I find myself usually drawing away from people and submerging myself in work, distracting myself from absolutely everything, I think I feel like if I am not paying attention to all that is going on around me then it will all eventually go away and at some point I will wake up and it will all be better...
But eventually I run out of things to do and the reality settles in, so then what? I know some people say that it's always good to talk about things with others but I've always been one that works towards resolving the issue rather than just one that talks about it, because what is talking ever going to accomplish? For me talking has only just accomplished getting more frustrated, people jump in and instead of listening they provide their feedback and that gets even more frustrating...
Or there is the usual person (and this happens to me a lot) that says don't worry you will be fine, you always are, they have gotten used to you just doing everything and figuring everything out on your own that they dismiss that at that moment in time you are really not doing well and saying that you will be fine like always does not really help, all it really does is frustrate you even more...
But then what? Do you just stopped talking to everyone you know and if ever someone reaches out to you, then you keep it simple? do you keep it to just what I hate the most the pointless and annoying chitchat one does when you are just trying to be polite or do you just ignore the person? I find it easier to shut off my phone, not go in any social media sites or go in the ones where no one really comments on posts or where if you ever do you end up sometimes having a conversation with a perfect stranger and somehow you end up forgetting about whatever it was that was bothering you just for a little bit.
But then it all comes back and it seems to be even worse when you are tired, it's like you can't really think straight anymore, then you get your head filled with doubts and other worries that were not there before... And really most of which you have absolutely no control over so why worry about it?
But we do, we worry and we end up full of fear about whatever it is that can't really be helped at that moment in time, things that have not yet happened but in your head you are going through all these different scenarios of what could happen and you know very well that none of it makes any sense, you know that even if it was to happen that way then there is absolutely nothing you can really do to prevent it or stop it, it's just all out of your control so why worry?
I think sleep ends up working best at that point, because you end up so tired just from thinking that the at some point the mental and even physical exhaustion from all those nights you were up thinking finally take over and you finally fall flat and end up sleeping, and then after a good night's rest all is well again, you can focus again and have the mental power to keep your emotions under control, then you can go back to smiling like nothing is happening, like there is no emotional war going on in your head...
But it comes to a point where you can't have too many people around anymore, where most people bother you just by their presence, where you are trying so hard to focus on not letting any fears take over and trying to not feel the same way for too long because you know if you do then other things start failing, and so then you can't even get yourself together enough to read or listen to other people, where you see everyone else's problems so small compared to yours, and even though you know that to them is something big all you really want to do is say hello? that's nothing compared to the war I am battling and you should be thankful that that's all you have to deal with, but you have to bite your tongue once again and at some point if you talk too much, if you "socialize" or communicate enough while pretending that all is well the cycle begins again and once more you are back to where you did not want to be....
Which is why I have found it much easier to stay away, maybe it's not the healthiest for most but it seems to be the healthiest for me and I guess that's all that really matters, to be able to somehow find a little bit of peace in the crazy world you have found yourself in or at least find a way to keep the faith that at some point it will be over and that at some point it will really be ok.

When the world seems like it's against you,
when everyone seems to have desert you,
when the little light you saw at the end of the tunnel
and you thought "ohh I am so close" but suddenly it was all dark again
that's the time when we start thinking about those tender moments
the ones we never really asked for but that happened
that hug that was given without being asked by someone special to you
that kiss that was stolen by that same person
the special words that touched you unexpectedly,
thinking of those times when you were with someone and said nothing
but there was nothing needed to say because more was always said by actions
you start thinking about the safe places,
the times when you were little and all you needed was your mom to stroke your hair
then suddenly all the bad things that happened that day would go away
Sometimes we need a moment like those to make us feel just a little better
the world will always be a struggle, no matter what we do, there will always be something
something to fight for, something to struggle towards
it is in those moments when we wish we could go back to those tender moments, just for a little bit, just enough to remember that they do exist
that maybe one day we can have another tender moment
that one day we won't be so busy working towards a goal
working towards making our lives better but that we will actually realize
that it's better to live life, that you cannot purchase someone's true smile
that happiness is not about how much we have but how much we've lived
that the reason we feel like we are struggling is because we want more
and we forget that we are so lucky to have more than what we actually need,
hopefully one day we will realize and hopefully it won't be too late...

My thoughts about religion

First of all let me begin by saying that this is in no way a post to try and convince people of one thing or another, I respect everyone's beliefs and it is my firm belief that everyone should respect the beliefs of others, with that said, here are my thoughts about religion:

Religion is a personal thing, I will never understand the arguments around religious beliefs because no matter what your beliefs are, there is no way on earth that you can prove you are 100% correct.  Let me explain a bit further... If we are talking with an atheist (someone that does not believe in any higher being) they cannot give me a 100% certainty that there is no higher being that exists, yes they can say that science has not found anything that states that there is a God, Spirit or whatever you want to call it, but just because they have not found anything it does not mean it doesn't exist... All it means is that they have not yet found evidence and maybe they will not find any, maybe one day they will but there is always the possibility.

On the other hand if you are a firm believer of God, then you cannot possibly prove to me that God exists, there is no certain way of proving God's existence, and of course those who follow Christianity will say well the Bible is proof that God exists; well let me tell you something, while I respect the Christianity's beliefs that the Bible is a sacred book, it is in the end just a book and nothing more than a book that was written years and years and years ago and it was written by mere humans who stated that they talked to God and that God told them all of this...

Let me add to that, that a human being even when an almighty God is talking to them and telling them what to write, they can and will make a mistake, or they can change what is being told to them... And if I were to add even more... The Bible has been interpreted in way too many ways, to make me think that those were not words from an almighty perfect God, because if they were then we would not be able to interpret them in as many ways or more than we do with the law.  It is that simple...

Now I could go on and on about why religion is a personal thing and it should not be tried to be force fed to other people, or even have argue about it to the point of creating a fight between two people,  because no one will win, it is a waste of energy and time, yes I love having a good conversation about how other people believe and what they believe in, I mean I like to hear their stories and I have been lucky enough to find people that are open minded enough to have a philosophical conversation about it, that they will listen to my view and I will listen to them and then we just learn something more about the other person.  But not many people are like that, there are too many people that get so worked up about it that wars were created, and still are being created over it.

Why? I will never understand why, I really wish I could understand some of the human behavior that makes absolutely no sense to me! ohh and if you ask me if God exists, yes to me God does exist, he/she exists because I believe in him/her not because anything else, I can't prove it and I won't ever attempt to, if someone asks me why I believe that God exists well I will give them what some call testimony, but I don't expect anyone to believe me, my testimony could be something that I made up in my mind or just things that happened out of chance.  However what I can really say is that my faith rests on the fact that I know that I might be wrong and I choose to believe in something bigger, and I have my own way of practicing it.

If anyone asks me if I pray, I will answer no, I don't pray, why? because if I believe that there is a higher being that is watching over us, if this being only wants whatever is good for us then it does not matter how much I pray, I will be put in whatever path I need to be in order to get to the point where I need to be, and it will be the correct path, and even if I choose to go the other way, then it will probably take me a little longer to get to the right one but in the end I will be in the right one... Even if it is a path where I encounter sickness and a bit of suffering, even in those times when the darkness is bigger than anything else, if I believe that there is a higher being watching over me and making sure I do ok and go where I want and learn what I need to, and if that higher being is completely and absolutely in charge then it does not matter how much I pray, it won't change anything, so why pray?

I tell you what I do though, I listen, I go into my own world and I listen to what a lot might call your inner voice, others will call it intuition, others will say is God talking to you, others will say it's your guardian angels or a messenger of God, whatever it is though I listen to it, most times I can listen to it very clearly and I am able to go ahead and follow the path I am being told and I have to admit that when I do exactly as my inner voice tells me, all ends up well....

So to end this wonderful post, I will never understand people arguing over religion, I will never understand people swearing that the Bible is such a sacred book because in the end it is just a book, I will never understand people getting irritated by other people believing in things that they cannot prove and I will never understand why everyone believes that they have and that they are absolutely sure that their theory is the only correct one and that there is no space for any error for any other theory, just their own...

Who is in control?

I woke up today with a weird thought, you are not in control....
At first I was like what? of course I am, I am in control of my life, the decisions I make, I am the one that decides where I am going to go next and what I am going to do next... Then I kept thinking how much of a lie that is, because while I am able to make my own decisions, while I am able to say hey I am going to go left rather than going right, I cannot possibly control the outcome of my decisions, yes I can do whatever I want but in the end I am not really in control of the outcome.
Some people will say that God is in control, this force that they believe in, the almighty and powerful, the one that sees it all, whether or not that being exists is up for debate among many people, most will argue that he exists because there is a book that specifically tells stories of his existence, a book that speak his words and what he intended for us to do.  It is a weak argument to state that a being of that nature exists only because a book says so... yeah the book is too many years old but that just means that someone somewhere along the lines made sure that it was passed on and kept in a way that part of it (because what the churches have in that book is not all of it) was saved enough to move masses of people in one direction, to give people something to believe in.
Personally I don't know if God exists or not, I don't know if it is a God or Goddess, I don't know if it is just a plain ball of energy or just a spirit, I choose to believe though that there is something greater, and this something greater is not good or bad, but has the capability of guiding us towards whatever it is that deep inside we truly want, that which we don't tell anybody, that which we don't even realize that we want.  And within that thought I am fully aware that it might be a fallacy, that there might be absolutely nothing else out there guiding us, that this is all we are and that there is nothing greater than us.  Most people won't consider those thoughts, they are afraid because one book says to them that this supreme being does exist and therefore they are to follow the spirit's words, so a lot do, they read the words and they go on their life pretending that they are doing everything exactly the way it was intended, reading the Bible every night and going to church every Sunday.  I don't read the Bible, I don't believe those words come straight from this higher being, I think they came from a group of men trying to explain their existence, trying to figure out what is right and what is wrong, a book of stories that started the rules of society, rules that have the power to change because society as a whole changes every year, with every new discovery, with every new generation we all grow and change our views even in a small amount, no matter who you are.
But back to who is in control... If there is a supreme being that watches us all and that knows what is best for us and guides us into that path, that same being cannot make us go to that path, we can see all the signs, we can go through all the motions, we can do exactly what we are told, that being can come down and say if you go right you will encounter chaos so please go left and we can still choose to go right instead of left so the being is not truly in control just as much as we are not, because yes we can also say we are going to go left and follow the path that is given to us but when we go left someone else decided that they were not going to go through the path they were given and suddenly they cause chaos in our path.
Because of all the variants in life, because we are truly not alone even when we think we are, we are not in control of anything, we have power over absolutely nothing, I know some people will look at this and think hey you know what that is the most negative way of seeing life, that just takes away from the things you want, if we are not in control then what is the point to keep going? Wanting to be in control of everything is where the negativity come from, why? because it's a fallacy, we are not in control, and when we believe we are and things don't go our way then we get upset and we get stressed out.  A good example of that is time, the idea that we can control time merely by measuring it, so we wake up at a certain time everyday because we have to be at work or school or start our day by a certain time so then we give ourselves every day a list of things we have to do and every day we say this is what I will accomplish today, I am in control and I can do it.  But then it so happens that even though the day before everything seemed fine and everything was going according to plan your kid wakes up and he/she is sick, suddenly the to-do-list has one more thing that needs to be added to it, either you have to take care of your child during the day which might also mean you have to take them to the doctor and so the whole list changes, things are added that will take time away from the day and others will just not get accomplished, why? because on your way to the doctor there was an accident and you got stuck in traffic, then the doctor woke up late, because even though the doctor does not have any children of their own, they cannot control the fact that even though they wanted to get to work on time and attend to their patients in a timely manner, their power went out in the middle of the night and their alarm clock did not go off because it was reset and now it had the wrong time.
We are in control of nothing except our own thoughts.  There is a quote by Rene Descartes: "Except for our own thoughts, there is nothing absolutely in our power." I guess that is where I am getting at, we can try all we want, we can tell ourselves all we want that we have the power to make things happen the exact way we want them to happen, the fallacy with that thought is that there are a lot of other factors in play, we don't live in a world where we are the only ones that exist, there is not just other human beings but there are also other living things that can affect our lives, whether it is in a very small way or in a big way; to add to that we have other forces, natural forces that come into play and can change anything we do in a matter of seconds.
So are we really in control? No, we are not and the sooner we accept this, the more aware of it we become, the less stressful our lives will be, because if we are not really in control of anything then when things don't go our way, it is not our fault, it is not anyone's fault, it's just the way things are, and there is no reason to stress over it, there is no reason to get upset, only a reason to smile and then keep on going because the next step you take might not go the way you want it, but it might turn out to be the best thing that happened.