I've got God in my mind

Dear God, I pray for guidance and patience, I know I am on the right path I know that you have always had a way of making sure I am on track to fulfill my dreams.
I know that my lack of patience sometimes has gotten in the way and has made me turn the wrong way but I know that you have always been there to make sure that I get back to the correct road. I know that the times I have made the wrong turn it has been difficult to get back to the road I must travel and is mostly because those times I decided to ignore the red lights and stop signs and I just kept going. I am now at the place where I know I am supposed to be, I still do not understand many things, I still don't quite grasp the reason for me to be here but I know there is one and I know I must wait for the answer; patience is a virtue that only you can teach.
So I guess for now I ask for the strength that I need to keep going without going crazy while waiting for everything to fit into place, I ask you for the strength needed to not surrender myself to the daily life and to the monotony of the people, I asked for the strength that it takes to quiet down and listen to you so that I can continue making the right turns.
I know that you only speak when you need to and you give direction when the time is right, but I need to hear you now, I need to know now where this road will take me, I want to know your plan and its outcome and at the same time I know that is not time to know it yet, that I must wait and trust that it will all come out right, that you will make sure that I'm ok like you always have, that you will make sure I remain focused and free of distractions so that I can get there without getting lost on the way.
I know all of this but even though I am part of you, I have chosen to live here in the human form, forgetting everything that my soul knows in order to learn new things.
The human part of me will always be curious, will always be impatient, will always have a bit of jealousy, and most of all will always be afraid, so I ask you to renew my faith once more, I give you my human emotions and will let you fill me up with faith and strength to keep going, to not give up, because I know I am very close and I know I am on the right path, I know I have worked hard and the next step is to just trust myself, to not fill my head with doubt, to block those that will use their doubts and try to fill me up with fear, to block those that will try to make me doubt what I know and have learned from you the one that can see it all, those that will try to make me doubt the gifts you have given me. Yes they can still be my friends but I must understand that they will not understand my gifts, mostly because they don't believe, and I can't ask them of expect them to understand of believe, therefore I must continue to trust myself but must learn to block the doubts, I know you are guiding me every day and I know that whatever it is that's you have chosen for me will be the best all I gotta do is keep working towards it.
I also ask you for the strength that it takes to realize that I must rest, because one cannot just work all the time and not rest, I need to rest in order to gain control of my thoughts and for them to not be changed into doubts, I know that you will make sure I rest one way or the other, but I want to learn to rest before I am made to rest, before illness comes my way and you force me to rest.
I also wanted to thank you, to thank you for allowing me to love the way I do, for letting that amazing feeling grow inside me, especially for allowing me to accept and love those close to me without asking for love in return, thank you for letting my heart be free of negative feelings I know you are the one that showed me how and I wanted to thank you for that even though I know you know I'm thankful. :)

If you'd let me...

Life has been a little hard sometimes, which has turned me a little cold, but deep inside I am full of love.
If you'd let me I would love you more than anyone could, I would care for you more than anyone would.
If you'd let me I would be the best friend you ever had, the one who would not leave your side, that friend that would always be there no matter what.
I know it seems odd to say all this after so long but if you'd let me show you I know one day you would not want to let me go.
If you'd let me show you, you could see that I'm the one for you, if you'd let me love you and care for you, you'd know I was telling the truth.
Too bad pride always gets in the way, because if I could tell you all this to your face maybe it would make a difference one day.
I'm sorry I was so cold and distant, it was not my intent, just know that I do love you and I wish you the best.

One of my greatest fears

The fear of being loved, that sounds so crazy and odd at the same time, I mean who the hell fears being loved?
Well I do, yeap! I recently came to the painful realization that I am afraid of being loved and cared for, if I have someone that even starts showing the most remote sign of loving me, I want to run as fast as I can in the other direction, and when I can't run I just push them away because it is easier for them to walk away rather than me running.
I started to ask myself why I was this way, after all most people are usually afraid of falling in love and not of being loved, human beings want to be loved and cared for but I, I want to love people and for them to not love me in return? What a weirdo I am! So I kept thinking, my mother says I think too damn much, but I needed to figure this one out because recently I have pushed away some really good friends and I see a pattern developing that I might not like and I came to the conclusion that the reason I don't like or want people loving me is because I don't want them to be disappointed, I don't want to disappoint them.
Yes, I fear that once they love me I will end up doing something to them that will disappoint them, and disappointing someone that loves me and that I love back would hurt me more than me being disappointed by someone I love; I mean I have learned that the greatest thing you can do is love someone, even if they don't love you back you should be glad that such great feeling grew inside of you, and that you should always love without the expectation of being loved in return because love is free, it is truly given and it is pure love only when it is given without the expectation of it being returned; however I know that most people don't think like that.
It has always been my motto to spread love but then when it came to someone loving me ohh gosh that's when I would be absolutely and positively scared. And so now I ask myself why are you afraid that you will disappoint someone that loves you? In fact why would they get disappointed in the first place? I mean if they love you they are gonna love you with all your flaws and virtues, they should know that you are not exactly perfect and will be bound to make a few mistakes (hopefully not unforgivable mistakes) and that you are not gonna try to harm them on purpose.
But see, that's where I realized that my years living with my father have screwed me up more than I could ever imagine, see I know my father loves me (in his own twisted way) but he does love me, however throughout the years there have only been a very few times that I actually thought I was making him proud, everything else was a constant criticism, it was all wrong and I could always see the disappointment in his eyes, and that hurt me more than anything, that I could be so imperfect that I would end up hurting someone that way. So then I thought, why am I wanting to be so perfect, what is perfection anyway? And perfection really is a matter of perception; for me something or someone might be perfect but for another human being they will not be, and yeah we all say we are humans we are not perfect but I like to think that we all are, is just that we are all so different that there are certain of our traits that others will not like and in the end when you are in a relationship you pretty much decide which traits you are able to live with and which ones you are not, but then again why do I fear not being "perfect" and it goes back to the disappointment someone will have, what will they say and how will they criticize me. My father would always let me know all the bad I did, never pointed out the good and that hurt me too, again because I was not good enough and in turn I taught myself well if I am not going to be good enough for anyone then I might as well make sure that I spare them the feeling of disappointment (which I had felt with my father also when I realized how he really was) by keeping my distance when they showed any signs of emotional attachment.
And so I have gone through the past few years of my life doing exactly that, I have to add that my ex-husband did not help my cause either because when we separated he decided also that he would criticize everything I did, and suddenly I became for him the worst mom in the world, worst wife, worst friend, worst cook, worst everything (yeah he is a drug addict and insane but still it plays with your head and psychological well being).
The past few weeks I have already stopped talking to one of my best friends because he had said to me that he was sad that he only got to see me for 20 minutes when I went to visit my sister in the town that they all live in, I felt like he was so disappointed in me and it was because he loves me so much that he really expected to spend more time but since I couldn't and was so focus on other friends I made him feel left out, he tried talking to me and I found myself being rather cold and short, yes I went back to reading how I answered and I realized that was my way of saying ok I am not doing this again I love you but I don't want to disappoint you so I am walking the other way, don't come any closer.
I was also sort of seeing this guy and I guess you could say maybe we both mixed everything that was going on at the time, I really liked him but me being a single mom there is only so much time that I can give to anyone, at the beginning (like it always happens) this guy wanted to spend time with me, and while it was a nice feeling, I was absolutely scared of it, because what if he did not get that I did not want more than what we had and then decided he wanted more and I couldn't give him more, he would be disappointed and maybe he did not care about it too much and he was just going with what he felt but I just decided I would push away, so when it was offered for me to spend the night I said no I cannot, then when it was offered to go out I said no I cannot, and just kept on going until one night and maybe I am absolutely wrong on this one but I think things changed there because words like "typical girl" were texted and while he says he was in a good mood and maybe I totally misread his texts (which is why is always better to talk in person or over the phone and be clear with your words) so I took it as well there goes another disappointed human being, I tried to be me without building too much emotional attachment so that disappointment does not happen but it did, the problem is though that again I'm not afraid of being lovable, I'm afraid of then being like that with me, however I do understand that if you show affection for someone, sometimes that is reciprocated and you can not really expect for someone to just accept your love and not show you some affection in return, unless you are friends with a sociopath.
Same happened to me with other people, I mean I have moved as far away from my family and friends as I possibly can and every time I meet someone new that wants to either help me or just genuinely care about me I freak and I run. I met this guy when I went to visit my sister, and yes the universe has a way of putting the perfect people in front of you at the right time, he is divorced, has a kid and works 12 hours shifts three days in a row and then has his child for four days, he had such a keen interest in me, and of course everything was fine, of course he knows he lives in a different city and lives too far and knows I will not move and neither will he, but he started with this whole I would love to date you, and I kind of miss you (first of who the hell misses someone they have not spent any time with other than just texting on the darn phone) and suddenly the urge to run the other way started, and I thought, hello! He is not here, you are not going to ever be I danger of him loving you but I had to say to him: you do realize that this thing you want will never happens, because I will never move back down there and you are not going to be here ever so... And then I thought to myself that was probably not the best or nicest thing to say to this individual, who was genuinely just expressing what he felt at that moment in time and from then on I became as cold as I could possibly be.
With my family the same reasoning was applied: as long as I keep my distance I will not disappoint you, you will not see what I do, what I don't do, what I have and what I don't have, what I have accomplished and what I haven't and it will all be good, you will love me and never be disappointed because what you cannot see that I might be doing wrong will not hurt you and of course that will also keep you from letting me know that you are disappointed and making me angry when you tell me how I did every thing wrong, so I guess in a way this is all a mixture of not wanting to be criticized and not wanting to hurt the people that love me, which leads me to how extremely insane I can be, and makes me wonder if there are people out there that feel exactly the same way but just don't say it because they are also afraid that it coming out will disappoint someone that they love.

Good, evil, pain and suffering where do they come from?

This is one subject I usually leave out of a conversation mostly because I believe every person comes to having this in their life at their own time and in their own way, however yesterday when a Twitter fellow replied to one of my posts about which one was the "Greatest Lie" of all saying that the greatest lie really was: "The biggest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing humanity that he doesn't exist." while this to me is really a partial lie because there are people that really don't believe in the devil, I am one of them, there are others that do believe the Devil exist but in no way do I feel that the statement is the greatest lie.
After pointing out that there is part of humanity that do not believe in the devil we sort of had a nice discussion about good and evil (as nice of a discussion as you can have when trying to explain something that can be very complex to explain at times in 160 characters or less after you add the username on it is a lot less!), he asked where I think evil comes from, where does pain come from? and of course in between comments a few were dismissed due to the nature of how twitter works, however it ended in him sharing a blog about the world being at war, in it is stated how he sees the world, I understand many see it that we are definitely at some sort of war with something, otherwise how would you explain all the bad things that happen? How do you possibly explain that you live a good life and try to only do good and suddenly something bad happens? It has to be that there is something or someone that is our enemy and is constantly working against us.

Throughout the past 7 years or so I have gone through an amazing spiritual journey, one that has brought me to figure out that the only person that is out to get me, is myself; now many will ask why or how is it that a person will sabotage themselves? that person must be totally insane to go something against themselves, after all what we want is only the best for us right? Yes I do want the best for me but I don't know what the best for me is (here is where my faith has strengthen and grown to the point that the only person that can make me doubt it is myself) but there is one being that knows and that being is in constant communication with all of us, I firmly believe that we have signs every where, each one telling us which turn to make and if we follow them then the best will be given, some people call that being God, others call it a Spirit, some say it is a Goddess and others say is just your intuition; then there are a few that say that is all you, that there is no such thing and is just your brain trying to figure things out.

I respect all the views, again everyone comes to their faith in their own time and their own way, but to me God has been there to guide my every step and every time I decided to not listen things got just completely out of control, when I first met my ex-husband that little voice and the signs were all there, I was supposed to not go anywhere near the guy, he was not the one, but my logic at the time and my refusal to accept that God had not really abandoned me that it was me that was not listening brought me to talk to this guy, then marry the guy, live in a constant battle with him and myself because that was not really where I had to be and in turn I made myself very unhappy, that's when the question aroused and I did ask: Why me? and then I followed it by saying I am listening now, tell me please and my answer was that I had not listened before.  Then I asked, as I was crying in the bathroom and feeling absolutely miserable, please take me out of here, I said I promise I will listen now, I can't take this anymore, I have no strength to keep going and if I don't find a way out I don't know where I might end up, at that point all I heard was it is not time yet, now you stay and when I got angry and asked why again, all I heard was "your little girl", after that it did not matter what I asked there was no answer, and the last answer made no sense to me at all, so I was even angrier.

A few weeks after this enormous episode I started to get sick, my stomach was hurting me a lot, I could barely work, I ended up in the hospital and by then I had not even realized that I had missed my period, I always keep a calendar on when it comes and this time I had not, at the hospital I found out I was pregnant, for a while there my then husband changed the way he treated me, I figured now this makes sense maybe God is touching him in some way and now it will all be great, we can be a family, then I found out that he was addicted to drugs, and things that had happened before made sense to me now, things he had said, things he did and did not do. At that point in time I said and asked again: "Is this the man that I am supposed to be with? If this is the man for me and he will be a good father for my daughter then God you will make it so, you will help him overcome his addiction, you will allow myself to trust him and will keep him around for many years, if not then make sure you take him away and you spare my child from any pain, in return I will learn to listen."

During the remainder of my pregnancy things were going good, he switched jobs and bills were getting paid, I was not working for a few months since the morning sickness really took the best of me, then I started work again, and when my beautiful daughter was born I was able to stay with her at home, breastfeed her, care for her the way I had always wanted, then a few months later things started to go bad again, we started losing things: the apt, the car, money, then there was no food, no credit, nothing. I found myself living in a room with my husband and child, no money, no phone, no way of really communicating with anyone because he would pawn my computer every other day and of course I was always too ashamed to say something about it.  The day came when that little voice said it was time to go, yes I asked again why now? why not before I lost my good credit, before losing my car, my money and most of all before losing the 15 pounds of weight that I could not afford to lose? Well, the answer to that did not come right away, it all made sense months later.

As I had promised before I listened and finally left, the months after that were almost torturous, the emails, text messages, voicemails were something I thought I would never hear or read someone say to me, and I kept asking when it was all going to end, I kept fighting a fight that was not for me to fight, because I knew that God had this, that he saw things that I could not possibly see but the more I fought his fight the more he let me fall just like a good parent does with their child when they don't listen, you are still there to help them up when they fall but sometimes you just have to let them fall, and so he did.  Finally when I felt I could not possibly get up anymore, that I just had no idea what it was that I was doing and decided that I had to just let it be like my father in heaven had asked me, it all started to come together, a few weeks after I stopped fighting, when I stopped talking to lawyers, trying to get a divorce, trying to protect my child, I got a phone call from a detective inquiring about my husband, letting me know that there was a warrant for his arrest and if I knew where he was to let him know, I really didn't he had disappeared right before the holidays, did not contact me at all, peace was temporarily restored.

In a way I was glad, and in others it was sad, my daughter was not going to have a father unless he had the courage to change but later on I found out he just really doesn't and being that my child was just months old when we separated and had just turned a year when he disappeared, she was spared the pain of losing a dad, she never really had one so there was nothing really to lose and as I was blaming myself for the whole situation because in fact I did make the choices I made without really listening to that guiding voice I believe we all have, and just when I kept blaming myself a good friend of mine had a good conversation that has stuck with me, he told me how the Holy Father will always make sure that all his children are doing well, the idea of free will is what allow us to make mistakes but when we go back and listen carefully he will make sure to clean our wounds and help us up again.  I asked my friend why this way, and he said: if your daughter is dirty and you just bought her new clothes, would you let her wear the new clothes before giving her a shower and cleaning her up? and the answer was of course not! so he said that is what God is doing, he is cleaning up the mess that was made by the decisions you know you should have not taken and it takes time to get cleaned up, but it will get there and when you are there you will be able to wear your new clothes.

It has been three years or so since my husband got arrested the first time and of course in between I have had a few battles, a few people that have tried do wrong to me and my child and each time when I tried to fight back I first asked if this was my fight to fight and when I was told NO, I have slowly learned to let go, sure I have tried to fight a few times it is in my nature but I am human and God knows that I will try to fight back when I am being done wrong or my daughter is, however when I do and is not my fight to fight and I fall down he will be there to pick me up, the pain and the suffering come from my own decisions and not from an evil being that is there to sabotage me, I have learned that the only one that has tried to do so is myself.

Now on that note, when it comes to pain due to illness, when it comes to illness, I don't really have a straight answer for that one, other than it was also a choice the first humans made, whether it was a temptation drawn by a forbidden fruit that was pointed out by a snake or serpent that after eating said fruit the entire human race was doomed for ever and was to learn about pain and illness, or it is that there are a few planes of existence and we have decided somehow to live in the one plane where we are truly aware of good and evil, and in order to be aware of that we have to know about both sides, whether you say you know what is right and therefore you know what is wrong or vice-versa, I don't for one moment believe that my God, the great Spirit, the all good mighty God that wants his children to do the best and be the best would allow an evil spirit to become our enemy.  What good father would do that to his children? Could there be a bigger reason illness exists? Could it have a purpose that we just don't know about or not see yet? some illnesses are caused by our lack of caring for ourselves, by habits we create, should we blame an evil spirit for those too?

What about wars? are wars started by an evil spirit entering a human soul or convincing them that this is the way? Human beings still have the power to choose, in the end we choose to do or not to do, to follow a leader or to make our own decisions, most of us usually will pick a side and will follow on that side no matter if that side makes sense or not, and we just continue to follow it never waking up from the daze, I have learned to see the world from every angle that is given to me, and then I have made my own decision as to which angle I would like to go with, sometimes I create a new one, but as far as the devil goes, I don't believe it exists, and if it did then how is it that you give power to those that want to harm you? usually is by letting them into your life, by giving them a name, by thinking about their very next move and you trying to be one step ahead; and then instead of listening to the right voice, the one that requires you to have an extreme amount of faith and makes absolutely no sense at the moment, you end up going with the voice of reason.  Yes it is hard to leave that voice of reason to the side, but there is one lesson that I have learned and that is that I can only see so far and God can see everything therefore certain decisions are best made without logic and with more faith and evil exists in each of us, but we always have a choice to do good or harm the choice always comes down to each of us and no one else.

My love/hate relationship with technology.

So after having yet another issue with my high speed internet, the second in less than 5 days, which got me really really angry I backed off for a moment and thought to myself "Technology has given us so much but it has also taken away from us even more."
And then I realized how true that thought of mine was, I mean sure now a days I can have a conversation with my mother that lives in a completely different country, I can see her on my computer screen, I can send her a text or an email that will get to her in a fraction of a second, I can have a US phone number set up for her and my grandmother which allows us to talk at any time day or night, I can keep in contact with my old friends, share memories with my whole family, they can see a picture right away without having to wait for me to print it and mail it, they can watch a video of my daughter dancing without actually having to come to my house to do so. I mean now a days I even have the ability to work from home, to play a game with other friends that are just not close enough to come and play a board game like scrabble, I can take classes from home, I can do research without having to go to a library and actually opening a book, it truly is amazing what we can do now a days versus what we could do back let's say 10 years ago, maybe a little more.

Yes, yes technology, more especifically the internet has opened doors that were not available 10-15 years ago, and as much as it has given us it has also taken a lot from us, I mean now a days I am able to see when my bus is going to arrive just by downloading an app on my phone it gives me an approximate time of arrival for the bus stop I am waiting the bus at, not only that but you can also get an app that will tell you exactly where the bus is, show you where you are at in the map and lets you see how close the bus is to your location, how fantastic huh! NOT, I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have missed the bus because I relied on one of those darn little apps, I am looking and think the bus is further than it actually is and then I realize that the app froze and I had no way of knowing, how many times the app said it was still another 5 min until the bus arrived but the bus was running a tad early so I missed it on that particular stop, all this always makes me want to say: What happened to the little booklets we had with the maps and the times for when the bus will pass on a major stop not on each and every single little stop, and what ever happened to actually paying attention to the road to know where to get off, I mean google maps on my phone gives me all the routes I need to take, it tells me where to get off and to top it off the little blue dot moves with me every time the bus moves, so all I have to do is watch the little blue dot and match it with the stop and boom! I am there, however that app tends to freeze too so a lot of times I have missed the stop and ended up having to walk a mile to get to the actual place I needed to get off and ended up missing my second bus which ended up making me late for whatever appt I had planned. Now my phone upgaded its operating system and I don't have google maps anymore unless I use my web browser and then of course that takes a lot longer to update when the bus is moving so it is even more difficult to figure it out; what am I saying? All I really have to do is ask the bus driver and they will know where I need to get off at, See? We can't even go ask someone something anymore because this cool things give us all the answers.
The other day I was sitting down in front of my computer and my daughter came over with her iPod touch (yes she is four and she has an iPod touch, no she is not spoiled but the plus side of technology is that there are a lot of things now that can help your kids learn which is why she has it) she opened up her maps app, and she said to me: Mommy where in the world are we? and all I did was press that little arrow that puts the blue dot right on the place we are at and said: We are right where the blue dot is, and she said: ohh ok. Now I am like WHAT??? What happened to getting a map of the world and showing her the country we live in, geting a map of the country and showing her the city and state we live in, then I thought: well I have no paper map, how sad is that! now a days who needs a map anyway when we have GPS, mapquest tells me exactly where I have to make a turn, but of course I have to say that app fails more times than not and I end up getting lost anyway, yet I still use it.
Ohh the days when you actually opened a map and mapped out your way and the routes and places you wanted to visit were highlighted or circled, now we have a machine telling us where we have to go, which turn to take, there is no thinking involved anymore. Now a days you see people walking with their phones in their hands looking down to the phone to see where the blue dot is and how close you are to the geen dot, then you get to the green dot and you can't find the place you were wanting to go to so you look around like a moron and instead of asking you keep looking in your phone until finally minutes later you realize that the darn place you were looking for is actually inside the building that is right behind you and has no markings, something you probably would have known ahead of time had you just called ahead and asked.
Ohh! remember those days where we actually had to go to a library to do some research, or had to get an encyclopedia to look up something? Now a days everything is on the darn internet, who needs books! yes is true is better for the planet, however there is also so much incorrect information on the internet that is now easier to find the wrong answer, not only that but there is also way too much information; remember the days where you actually had to go to the doctor to figure out what was wrong with you or if there was even anything wrong with you? Now a days people go on the internet, put in all the symptoms they are having and BOOM! you got a diagnosis, well you usually get about 20 diagnoses, and of course since most humans like to suffer we usually go for the uncurable disease that will kill us in 5 days that only happens to 1 in a billion people, all of which end up causing us a panic attack which we then confuse for a heart attack and suddenly 5 min later the ambulance is outside your house paramedics are coming in and you are being taken to the hospital where the doctor tells you that you are very healthy that all you had was an anxiety attack which can be mistaken by a heart attack and that all your other symptoms are just a normal cold, by this time you realize how much this whole emergency visit will cost you and now you are wishing you had that uncurable and deadly illness because you really don't want to add another bill to the pile of bills you already have to pay, especially when they have told you that you have nothing.
You know another thing technology has taken away from us: privacy, there was a day where you could only be reached by telephone, and I mean a landline, if you were not at home they either had to leave a message (if you had an answering machine) or they had to call back later. Now we have cell phone, email, skype, text message, all these things someone can contact you through; I mean when I really think about it, I have friends that call me and when I don't answer my cell phone they text me, and when I don't answer their text right away they email and when I don't answer their email they try skype, when I don't answer that they try facebook, until finally if I don't answer that they repeat the whole cycle until I do.  My mom is the worst, she does not call me but she sends me a text message every 3 seconds, I am answering her first hello and she is already on the 10th hello, and then I say: Mom, you have to wait at least 5 seconds for me to answer you, but she still does not get it, bless her heart I know she loves me but seriously! And to all the other people that call, text, email and do all that good stuff: if I don't answer is really because I am not available otherwise I would have answered, and me not wanting to talk to you or chat or text also means I AM NOT AVAILABLE.
Work, well what can I say, I love working from home and is great I am able to do my school work from home, but when something does not work or goes down, it is the most infuriating thing cause now you will get behind on school work, you will not be paid for the hours your internet or electiricty went out, and of course now you have less human contact than necessary which I have to say that after working from home for so long and being able to use the time I have now free because I don't have to commute to work so I can either read a book or catch up on my sleep, suddenly the outside world is not something I am very interested in.  With technology now a days people seem to be getting dumber and dumber, you have a person asking what 80 + 10 is and then another person getting out their phones so that they can use a calculator, remember the days where we actually had to learn basic math skills? Those days are gone, the computer does that for us, no need for a brain when you can just input everything on a small device and get the answer.
The worst thing that technology has taken from us is time with our families, actual family time, sure that each family should make time to spend away from technology and to share thoughts and stories, but now a days we get so caught up in reading the latest news, catching up with our friends online that we tend to forget to make that time, not only that but kids now a days are so dependent on technology that even when we do make time to talk they really are focused on how long the conversation will last cause all they want to do is check on what Justin Bieber has posted in the past 5 min that you were actually trying to have a conversation with them, and even when we now say well, we can always take it away, but now a days the schools are using technology more and more to teach, you see virtual schools now are more popular not only for universities but also for elementary, middle and high school.
Anyway as much as I love technology because it has allowed me to do things that otherwise I would not have been able to do if it did not exist, I also know that with everything it has given us it has also taken away a lot of things and made a lot of us more dependent on it than not, so much so that when it does not work like it is supposed to work it can cause anyone to get so angry that they might just explode.

A Failed Relationship.

Yesterday I got a message from a friend that said he had been cheated on by his girlfriend while he was away on a trip and while I am not very good at being empathetic with people because I believe everyone feels completely different even if the circumstances are similar or the same, I could not help but start thinking how I felt every time a relationship that I have had failed.
In the past I have been cheated on, lied to, and well men have had the tendencies to be disloyal in more ways than one, and by disloyal I don't mean just cheating I mean them talking behind my back, not communicating with me and plotting to leave me without me knowing while everyone else did.
Every time a relationship failed, I could not help but to think that somehow it was all my fault, that I must have done something extremely wrong to deserve the fact that they lied, cheated, or plotted to just leave and it did not come to my attention until yesterday when I caught myself telling my friend that I would not say that things happen for a reason because when things we don't want to happen  end up happening well the last thing we want to hear usually is "things happen for a reason" you always want to say well I want that reason, and is reasonable to want to know the reason for bad stuff happening to us, so instead of just accepting that sometimes things just don't work out and that the person we were with was not the right one we decide we will just take the fault for it.
I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have blamed myself for everything bad that has happened, and while I know that my decisions have probably put me in situations where I would not have otherwise been put in had I not decided to go against my very own intuition, in a relationship is the job of both people involved to communicate with each other about how they are feeling and for both to be open minded to the fact that sometimes the other might say things that they think to be true in their mind but that were just taken out of context when the other person said it and there is no better way to clear up any misunderstandings than by talking with the other person about it, if you don't then all you are ever going to do is wonder and wondering is never good in a relationship, I think things should always be as clear as you can possibly get them to be.
While I was continuing my journey through the day and wondering why I always tried to take credit for the bad other people did, I also wondered how many people out there, women and men, take the fault for what the other person did, how many say: well, if I was good enough my husband would not have done drugs and would have stayed with me; or if I loved my husband enough and the way I was supposed to love him he would have not gone to do drugs. My favorite one is: maybe if I would have been more out there and more available, or more free and more happy then he/she would not have cheated on me. I figured a lot of us probably do this, just by talking to friends that have had relationships failed and listening to people talk about their failed relationships I always sense that deep inside they take the blame, maybe if they would not have pushed too far, maybe if they would not have gotten pregnant, maybe if they did not go on trips too often then the other person would still love them. Truth is, no matter what you would have done differently there is no possible way to stop the other person from doing things that you wouldn't appreciate them doing, you just can't, that person you are with or were with is free to make their own decisions, they are the consequence of their own choices.  No matter how hard one tries to be what the other person wants them to be, or how hard you try and do the right thing, the choices and actions of the other person all fall on them not on you.
If someone cheated on you, is not your fault, it was their choice, in a perfect relationship the other person would have come and talked to you about how they were feeling and why and things would have come out in the open before any cheating happened.  If your partner, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, decides to go do drugs, to go and get in trouble with the law, then that is their choice, you did not make it for them you did not forced them to do it so it is not your fault, so we should just stop taking the entire blame for it, and stop trying to figure out why it happened, the reason will come to you when you are not as hurt, because there will come one day that you will not feel as hurt and you will see things in a completely different perspective.
A real relationship is based on communication, trust and respect; if any of those are lost then the whole relationship fails, in order for communication to work both parties need to be able to listen to the other without getting upset. Communication cannot happen when two people are angry, is usually best not to talk when you are angry at someone because you might end up saying something that the other person will not like or that you will regret later and words that have been spoken cannot be taken back.
So next time you try to figure out why things did not work out  with the person you thought you could trust, and learn to love more than anything in the world or thought that loved you more than anything in the world, just know that you will not know the reason right when things happen, in fact you might never learn the real reason and sometimes the reason just is that you have learned and experienced everything there is to learn and experience from that particular person and is time to move on. Don't get stuck trying to figure out why, because if you do you might never know the why and definitely will end up closing the doors for the next person you are supposed to learn from and sometimes that next person is the one who you can constantly learn from and teach to, the one person you can truly speak to without fear of making them angry or upset, the one person you can totally be yourself with and vice versa. Don't let one failed relationship keep you from the one true and real relationship that the universe has been preparing you for.

Gay Marriage

Being that I have already typed about abortion and guns, I figured why not another subject that apparently has become a big issue without needing to be an issue really.
A few days ago a friend of mine posted the picture of a letter written by a child to the government asking why the government hated his two moms; needless to say that sparked the longest thread with the longest comments I have ever had to read on facebook, people were arguing about why it is so wrong for two people of the same sex to get married, why that word should only be used for heterosexual couples and why is such a SIN to allow homosexuals to get married.
I have to say that anyone that was against it could not give a reasonable explanation to be against gay marriage, as always religion got the best of them and of course the reason is because God did not want it to be that way, because is not natural, because marriage and a family is formed by a man and a woman, because the Bible says so; none of these mentioned reasons are logical explanations to their objections.

So here is my point of view:

1. I don't know who the heck decided to make marriage a word that only comes from the Bible, the word existed before Jesus was ever conceived and therefore before the Bible was ever written, people were getting married way before then so why use the Bible as a guide to say that marriage is only done between a man and a woman and is a spiritual word. If we look up the word marriage the most general definition is that marriage is a "social union or legal contract between people called spouses that creates kinship" (Wikipedia), let's read that again and try to comprehend something here, in no way does it state that it has to be between two people of the opposite sex.

2. Let's cover the "kinship" part, what does kinship mean? It means to be related, so basically the act of marrying someone allows you to become legally related to the person you are marrying; in this sense we can basically say that the legality of marriage (which was created by men, not by a deity) came from us humans looking to create new "kinships", new relationships, new bonds, we wanted to make our own family, it did not state it had to be done between people of the opposite sex, that is just something that has become a social norm.

3. On that note, let's talk about family, what is a family? A family is a group of people that live under one roof to form a household. What is a group? a group is created by 2 o more things, persons, animals, etc.; a family is not form especifically by a man and a woman and children, that is also a social norm but if we kept the social norm that only a man and a woman and children can make a family then we would have a lot of single mothers or single fathers out there that only live with their child furious about it, because if someone came to me and told me that my daughter and I do not form a family, well that someone has something else coming their way, because my child is my family. Two people of the same sex living under the same roof form a family.

4. Let's now take this to the Christianity side of the equation and argue about what God intended for humans to do. First of, let me clarify that according to the Bible, God intended for us to live in what is called the Garden of Eden, where there is peace, harmony, no disease, no death, no worries, no debt, no good vs evil; but as we all know God's intention got completely shattered by the fact that Eve decided to eat an apple from a "forbidden" tree after God decided to give the first two humans ever what everyone now calls "free will" but at the same time he decided that they could do whatever they wanted escept touch the darn apple. On that last note there, this all so merciful God, the one that forgives all our sins, also decided that every single human being that was born from the first two humans would now forever suffer and pay the price for what someone else decided to do... ok getting of topic here, anyhow, God's will obviously did not come true, also have you ever thought about the fact that if Adam and Eve were the only two humans that were first created, in order for us to preocreate we would have had to sleep with our parents, siblings, cousins, sons, daughters, etc? This which is now considered to be NOT the social norm, would have been and probably was the social norm back then, and I hate to point this out, but if we all came from just two people then that means we are all related! Yeap! I said it!!! And this is where the whole we are all brothers and sisters on the eyes of God comes from. Social norms can and do change as we progress and as new issues arise, what God intended did not happen so is time to let it go and see what we have and what we have is adults from the same sex that want to come into an agreement and form a family legallly.

5. On another note, and this goes to everyone, being that I was raised by my grandmother who was a single mother, a mother that never got remarried legally and a father who decided to get married three different times, decided to lie to the Catholic church so that he could get his first marriage in the church annuled and who really seems to care less about what that legal paper means. I have a different idea of what a marriage really is and where it should come from; yes the legal document helps us out with certain things that we must deal with and yes it protect us from certain things that the other person might do to us if one day they decided to go crazy and pick up and leave or when they passed away, but the reality is that the commitment any person makes to another, that is what a marriage makes, is deciding to trust the person you are with, to respect them and to cherish them the way you would cherish yourself, is the decision one makes to walk along with that person and help each other achieve your dreams.  I used to say that I was more married to my ex boyfriend than I was to my (hopefully soon to be) ex-husband, why? because I trusted my ex boyfriend more, I respected him more and he trusted and respected me more than my ex-husband ever did, all I had with my ex husband that was different from what I had with my ex boyfriend was a piece of paper saying that now we were related, but I never really felt that I was related to him, so to me the paper means absolutely nothing, is just one more legal document in the eyes of us humans.

I don't know why people make a big issue about any of this, like I stated before: social norms are meant to change, they are meant to evolve as we see new things arise.  A legal document to become a family or become related in the eyes of the law should not be denied to anyone, we should be allowed to chose who we want to be related to legally and we should not place rules that make no sense just because we are afraid of change, because we have been taught to hate what is different, or because we are creatures of habit. Habits, while they are hard to change, can be changed. We don't have to hate what is different, no one is saying you have to try it and I agree when people say that every person is different, but every person has and was given the same rights and the same freedoms, and in a way each of us has been given the power to decide and as long as no one is being harm why stop them? If you are worried about your children, guess what? they are being raised in a world that has different social norms than when you were being raised; I don't expect my grandparents to change their way of thinking or even my mother to change it but I do know that my child will have a completely different way of seeing things when she gets older, just like I see things different than the way my grandmother and even my mother do and while I respect their opinions I have to say that no law should be passed based on the opinion of the masses but based on facts, lately we have been setting those aside.