Missing you...

I don't know why I miss you, I keep saying this is completely illogical, I mean how can I miss someone that I hardly spend time with?

How can I miss you when I never really had you?

Maybe it is that I love you? But how can I love you if I barely know you

Maybe I know you more than I think I do, maybe all it took is one look at your true self to know who you are inside and maybe I liked who I saw.

Maybe it was when you started to be honest with yourself and then honest with me, honesty is what I have always appreciated the most.

Maybe it is just that I am tired and I want someone here and the first person to come to mind is you.

But why you? Why not someone else? Why are you the first one in my mind? 

Sometimes I wish things were different, that things would be easy and flow, I wish my life wasn't so hard so I could spend more time with you.

Then I realize how boring life would be if things were easy, how much more aware of disappointment I would be and maybe if I was so aware of disappointment then I would not be able to live or to be around others.

In life I learned to not expect anything from anyone, to give without the expectation of getting anything back, to love unconditionally and above all, to always smile no matter what.

I have to say that sometimes I'm tired of smiling, sometimes I just want to yell and say I'm done, I need a break or I will break, sometimes I just want to cry and I want you here, just holding me while I get back together and get back up, because my fits never last long, I know that life gives you what you can handle and that the bad is there to appreciate the good; and when I realize that again, I start smiling again and then I want you there to smile with me.

But I don't have you, one of the reasons is because I don't own you, and I wouldn't want to own you, I would want you to come to me because you wanted to not because I made you.

The greatest moment in life is when you have the one you want without owning them, you have them because they want you back, that's how I would want it for us, because then it would all flow, it would be easy, there would be trust and respect and that's what a good relationship always needs in order to work out.

I don't know why I miss you when I never really had you, or why I feel like I love you when I barely know you, maybe it is just me and it will pass, other feelings have passed too, in the meantime I wish you the best, I wish you are happy, I wish you have someone you can cry with when you need to (we all need to cry every once in a while and it is ok to cry), I wish you never forget that even in the darkest hour you can always find a reason to smile.

Never forget that there is always one person that will always be just a phone call away... 

It is what it is... Whatever that might be...

What do we really know? Do we really know the meaning of life? Do we really know what we are doing? Do we really know we are alive? What if all of this was just a dream, what if we were all sleeping someplace and this idea that we have of life is just a creation in our head?

If all of this was just a dream then what would reality be? Or since we believe this is our reality then this becomes our reality, no questions asked? Do we have a purpose? Is our life already written in such way that we really don't have much choice because no matter what we do we would all end up where we are meant to end up at?

What if our lives are not really written, and we are truly the ones that create our own destiny? Do we then have to look at every decision and wonder and worry about whether or not is the right one? How do we know what we are supposed to do? If human beings are owners of life, but we have the gift of making sure we sabotage our lives every chance we get then how is it that we are all still here? Could there really be someone guiding us? And if they are and we go the wrong way but they decide to guide us again are we really free then or are we bound by guidelines to follow?

What is faith? Faith is not rational, but why is it not rational? Why must we want to rationalize faith? If we rationalize it then is it really faith? Do we really believe in a higher power if we try to rationalize its existence that unfortunately cannot be truly proven? 

I am alive because I can think, but what if we could think while we were dead, what if there is another body within the one I believe to have? Then would we really be dead when we died? How do we know that all that we know is true and correct and not something that we have just gone along as a discovery because the majority of the minds in this plane of existence believe it to be that way? 

Experience some say, but how do we know this is the true experience and not just a dream and in my dream everyone is going along with it so that I believe is not a dream but a reality? 

So many questions, and not really a lot of answers, just that it is what it is...