Today I woke up extremely early, too early for my taste to be honest, especially on a day when I did not have to really wake up early at all; anyhow when I realized that I was not going to be able to go back to sleep at all because this darn cough is just taking over, I decided to go ahead and turn my phone on.
First thing that comes through is a text from an old friend, I had sent my yearly Christmas card the night before and he was texting saying thanks and of course most times after people decide to say thank you they also start trying to make conversation most times just to be polite because for some reason they can't just say thank you for the card and happy holidays to you too, they also have to add how are you? Or are you doing alright? Or if the last time you spoke you said you were having some sort of trouble they ask you are you doing any better?
Yes I know that a lot of people truly do want to know about you and they truly care about you but the majority just ask the questions to make small talk and to tell you the truth I hate small talk, I can't stand it!!! This is when I got myself into trouble because now I am thinking about it and I realized one of the reasons I hate small talk (ok maybe in the end I will end up having written more than one but hey that's me!), the first reason is: I never know how to answer those damn questions!!!
Someone asks me how am I doing and I think to myself I don't know how I am doing, in order for me to know how I'm doing right now I would need to compare myself to either another human being or another time in my life or I would have to compare myself to the me I wanted to be right now but years ago in which case the answer to the question would vary from I'm doing alright to I'm doing extremely terrible, then there are days when I'm not good when I really know that I could be way better and I feel like I either have to lie to the person that is asking me how I am doing and in turn lie to myself or open up myself for a conversation I really don't want to have. So when someone asks me that question all I really want to say is: that is such a general question, how am I doing? How am I doing in what? Life, work, how am I doing in comparison to what or who? And if I have to compare myself to something or someone else then I really don't want to answer that stupid question because really it's irrelevant to anyone else's life, I'm doing however it is that I'm doing and since I don't compare myself to anything, anyone or even go back to where I thought I was gonna be at today five years ago... Well I really don't know how I'm doing...
That same person that texted this morning also said to me that I think too much, well duh!!! My philosophy professor once said that the brain is there for you to use it and think, if I don't think then it would be like buying a car and not driving it, why would you buy the car and not drive it? The car was created to be driven... Then again there are people that buy cars and never drive them but I guess they don't think as much either... Ok now I feel like I'm contradicting myself but this friend is not the first one to tell me that and I guess after the last few paragraphs most people would agree that I do tend to over think certain things like why not just say I'm good thanks and leave it at that? Well I'll tell you why: because most people expect you to ask them back how they are doing, it's society's way of starting a conversation and when you just plainly answer: "I'm good, thanks" most times later on you will get a message that says: are you ok? And then the whole thing starts again... I don't know if I'm ok, am I ok with what? So most times I say: I don't know, and then they say how do you not know... And it's so hard to explain why I don't know if I am ok or not because let's face it, answering that just takes a lot of energy to explain my side of the deal and in the end no one really ends up understanding me so why even bother trying to make sense of it to someone else???
The other one that I love, great conversation starter for most people and usually a great way to avoid actually saying or asking what you really want to ask or say to that friend works just like how are you or how are you doing and that is: what's up? To that I usually want to say: well apparently a lot of things, currently my neighbors seem to be up, my daughter is up, there are cliuds up in the sky, I'm sure I could find some airplanes there too, and I guess I'm up since I am writing this....
Yes I know they all ask asking just as you would ask: what's new? But really what's new with what? I don't know, I have nothing new around really, then they go: no what's new with you? And I'm thinking are we wanting to know everything new that has happened since we last talked? Cause something new happens every minute and to tell you the truth I don't have time to list everything nor do I want to and possibly I would probably have forgotten of all the new things that have happened and in the end I end up with nothing is new...
I hate small talk... Small talk to me just sucks! I'd rather really not communicate at all than talk small talk and I have realized that as I grow older it gets even worse, it's like look there are more important things to talk about and really I would rather just save my energy for those things! Maybe one day I'll be lucky enough to find a group of people that are a bit like me, that really don't know how to answer those questions and that think they are just a ridiculous way to socialize, they have no true purpose other than make you talk about things that end up being irrelevant in knowing the other person... Maybe one day... Until then I guess I will continue to be the odd woman out and just be thought of antisocial or not interested and I think now that I've taken the time to think about it a little more... I don't mind that at all so long as in the end I end up avoiding meaningless chitchat that I really don't have time for or really want to do, I'd rather read a book....
