So there she was now at her father's house, she felt like there was a big weight lifted off her, finally she was out of that place and could start over.  To her this was a sign that she was getting a second chance, this time no mistakes would be made, no rushing into something just because it was something she wanted, no telling what she wanted until she found out what the other person wanted, this way she would make sure that the other person wouldn't try to become what she wanted but would learn to be themselves and then she could feel like she truly knew them.
She reconnected with old friends, for six months or so her life was total hell, her husband was making sure of it.  She prayed and prayed to the universe, she begged for that one deal that she had made to come true, that if he was not going to be the best father for her child then he would be taken away and he would not bother her anymore, but why was it that it was not happening, why this man was still around causing hurt and pain? She decided to fight back, but that took her no where, it was more like giving him something to fight about and the more she fought the more power he would get.  Could it be possible that this man was getting more energy from her fighting him back?
One day as she just could not take it anymore she decided it was time to stop this was not something she would win, it was just something that needed to run its course so it did and eventually he was gone.
Trouble at the house she was in started, her father always trying to give his opinion on how to raise her child, her stepmother did the same and one day a fight broke off; by this time she had learned that she should not fight back, that she should just stay quiet and listen, and if things were bad she could always walk away and say I just need a moment for myself.  Unfortunately her father never cared about anyone else, how they felt or how they had learned to handle a confrontation and anger, all he knew was how to yell, insult and finally hit when neither of the first two worked to get a reaction.  That day her father's words were: If you think you have it bad, I am your worst nightmare.
How could a father say that to his own kid, no matter how mad they are and after they have hit them to the point of making her dizzy and a bit disoriented.  She was puzzled, confused and emotionless.  Her cousin came to take her to her house, it was time to leave dad's house, it was not safe anymore.  All her things were packed and off they went, a new beginning once again life changed her plans, no longer would she stay at her father's house and finish school and possibly find that one guy that would actually love her for her and not just a guy that wanted to rescue her.  A guy that could talk to her for hours and that would help her make sense of her craziness.  A guy that was respectful and loyal, one that not only loved her but that would love her child as his own, because she knew that she had picked the wrong dad for her baby girl, and in the end a dad is not the one whose DNA is running through your veins but the one that raises you and cares for you.  The baby was still a baby and there was time, there was time to meet someone and have that family she always wanted, or maybe, she thought, this was the chance to be with MD, he had contacted her and every few months they would chat, but there was a lot going on and she felt that he was just allowing her to figure it all out.  But maybe all of that was her daydreaming of the man she thought to be perfect for her, it was amazing how that thought kept her going, he never realized how important he turned out to be in her life.
After a couple of months she accepted an offer from MR's mother, she offered to help her with an apt and help her with the baby so she could work, so in an attempt to find a better place for her and her child she decided to go for it, why not? nothing ventured, nothing gained right? Probably one of the worst decisions she made once again, but can you blame her for wanting something better for her and her child?

And so it was that she decided it was time to move on, she enjoyed the few times she was with him and so long as she had those memories nothing else really mattered, so she went on with her life...
As she decides to move on, her wonderful ex boyfriend, that boy that she felt completely safe with, the one that she allowed to hold her when she cried and the last one with whom she allowed herself to feel vulnerable and free, that boy had become her friend but it was time for him to leave for months, somewhere she could not reach him anymore, not for months anyway.
During the three months he was away she met this other guy, MR (something about those Ms huh?), he came in telling her all she wanted to hear, he learned about everything she ever wanted, and so at some point he made sure to offer it, he made sure to mirror her every desire and while she knew he was lying because something always told her that he could not be trusted, she decided to just go with it.  Why? you ask, well her answer was why not? here is a man that is willing and apparently was able to give her that which was what she wanted: a home, a family, kids, a partner and a friend that she could always count on, so  why not? why not just go with it, the love would come after and who cared about trusting him, trust was not gained in one day or two, it was gained over time and so it would take time for him to earn it but even though the thoughts were that she should just run the other way she decided that she was going to ignore them because ignoring them meant she would get what she wanted right then and there, she did not want to wait any longer.
So she decided to marry him, months into the marriage she was miserable, as miserable as one should expect to be when you are with someone you don't love and that you really don't know.  That's when she learned the first important lesson of her life: people can say or type whatever they want, they can tell you how much they love you, they can tell you how much inspiration you bring to them, they can say how much you make them want to become a better person, but showing all of that... that's the difficult part.
Showing how much you care about someone, becoming a better person than you were yesterday, showing how much you love someone, that's the hardest part for people to do especially when it's all not real, when all of it is a lie.  Sure at the beginning of everything all is exciting, all is fun, and all is perfect, but soon enough the true colors show, it's just a matter of time before people become comfortable enough with each other and start thinking that now the other person depends on the other's company, and that's when the little quirks, the little annoyances come out, and when they do the fights start.  The wrongful thought that you will always be there for the other one just because you have gotten accustomed to their company, because at that point even their little and big annoyances could eventually be disregarded and then you could just live life without any arguments, that is the thought that ends up making people miserable.  There comes a day when you realize that there are certain things that you just can't overlook, that there are certain things that you want to change about the other person, and then you get another fun idea: what if I could change them? they love me enough, or what if I could give up all that I ever wanted for them because I love them enough... The worst thing a person could say to themselves is that they can change another person, if you cannot accept the person you are with with all their faults, all their quirks, all their annoyances, if you can't overlook that, don't think you can change them, and don't try to change them; they deserve to be with someone that accepts them for who they are, the way they are that laughs at their annoyances, that think "this is the most annoying thing they can do but even though I would mind it if someone else did it, I don't mind it when he/she does it."
Lesson learned, and then she was ready to pack up and leave, and so it was that she was to save money within a couple of months and then she would pack up all her things and move on, but then she got sick and ended up in the hospital, only to find out that her sickness was not really her being sick it was what normally happened during the first trimester of pregnancy, what to do now? That's when she thought she was getting one of her wishes, she was going to have her baby.  Immediately she knew it would be a girl, but how would it work? having a kid with a guy she was constantly arguing with, a guy she did not love.
She asked God, the universe, the Spirit as she calls it, to make it so that if this guy was going to be a great father for her child that her heart would open up and she would start loving him like anyone deserves to be loved and she would accept him how he was, but if that man was going to turn out to be a bad father for her child then that guy would go away, he would walk away just in time for her child to never have known him so that her child would never suffer.
When she was 5 months pregnant she realized this guy that she married was a drug addict, he said he would change, he said that he was going to be better, he said he wanted to leave that habit, that it was not as bad so it would be easy to leave behind, so as a good wife she stuck it out, she believed him this time.  She believed that he really wanted to change, but then she realized how easy it was for people to fake change, to make believe they were someone that they really weren't and how the more questions she asked the more they were reminded that they had something to hide so the more they would hide it.
Months passed and everything seemed to be going fine, the baby was born and once she stopped working again, things started to turn south, MR had not stop taking drugs and slowly but surely things were being lost, small appliances in the house, her car, their apartment.  When the baby was almost 9 months old, she found herself living with her husband in a room that they rented from someone else, having to wait for days just so that he would actually buy enough food for her to eat, then the money would be gone again and days passed before they could eat properly again.  All of that though to her was the very small of what was not working in the relationship, the main thing was that she was not in love, she had learned to care a little bit for him and maybe even loved him in a way, let's face it thanks to him she had her first baby, so she could not hate him but she was not madly in love with him either, and as the days progressed and things kept getting worse and worse she started to wonder more and more, that feeling of distrust came back to her, and the unhappiness filled her life.
For weeks she tried to figure out how to leave, it was time, she found out how much more money her husband was truly spending on drugs and at that point she realized that he did not really loved her either, it was all a scam but not one that surprised her.  All those times when he said to her how much he could accomplish with her by his side, how much inspiration she gave him, how much joy she brought him, how he would be patient because he understood her, all lies.  Anyhow, once she found out how much bigger the drug problem was, she planned out her "escape", and I say escape because by then she felt like a prisoner, she had no phone, no car, no money, but the hope she had that there was something better waiting for her if she could only leave that's what gave her the courage to finally pack her bags and go.  She really had no one to turn to except for her daddy, so she called him and he came, something she did not expect but that in a way happened just because she was truly in need.

Where were we?
Ahh yes, so she left that one boy, the one that held her while she cried but that decided at some point to grow apart from her, so what now? She had met another one, the one that gave her butterflies in her stomach, something she had never really felt before, something she thought could never happen, maybe this time we shall give that boy a name, let's call him MD.
She met him at her new job, they did not really work together but the circumstances somehow always ended up making both of them a pair, this was during the time she still had her innocence, the time when she thought everyone was good, that no one had bad intentions.  The time when she thought everyone wanted to be a true friend and this new boy, he was something, he caught her eye, he made her smile just because he existed.
MD was someone she could not possibly ever explain, how could she? How do you explain to the world that you just met someone and you felt that you have known them for your entire life, that you know how they would react, how they would respond to certain things, it was impossible without ever having one talk with said person.
But there was something there, she knew, there was something more there, and it felt like he felt the same way.  One day he hugged her and she had never felt safer than when he held her, he was her big knight, the one that came to rescue her and just take her away, the one that would see her as a partner and that would think that with her by his side he could be the best of everything and she would have that drive to become the best she has ever been, because with him next to her any work, any struggle would be all worth it.
Weeks passed and finally she stopped working there, that night her old boyfriend had come to be with her, she was down and she did not know what she would do, she had just lost her job and the reasons behind it were some that she could not understand, because to her everyone was still good, so why would all of it had happened??? The truth was that there are bad people in the world and this was a lesson she had learned in a very tough way.
Anyhow, that same night MD called her and asked her to hang out for the very first time, ohh what a joyous call, she got up, got dressed and left, he was drunk but she did not care, it was her chance to spend time with him so she did.  When she got to his house he was wearing this fabulous slippers, very similar to the ones she had in the trunk of her car and playing Guitar Hero, she thought to herself that this man was more fun than she ever thought.
He looked at her that night and he had the biggest smile, his eyes seemed to showed that this was it, that he had it all right there because she was there, he did not need anything more, now that she goes back to it she realizes it was probably the buzz from him drinking that gave him that look.  They talked for hours that night, ended up kissing gently, the best kisses she has ever had, and she fell asleep on his arms, she was in heaven, the conversations they had, from making plans from being together, the best part of it all was when he used the words we and put it together with will work.  A true partner she thought! But how naive of her to believe in drunken words.
The sun came up and every time she would move he would hold her tighter, like he was afraid of letting her go, what a wonderful feeling to have someone that wouldn't want you to leave that is happy you are there, someone in whose arms you fit perfectly and because you fit perfectly you were always comfortable.  What a wonderful and grand night that was, but just like everything it came to an end, the next day once he got up he made believe like nothing happened, walked her to her car and said bye, so she left and did not hear from him for a few months.
After a couple of months a call comes in, almost 2am, and it's him!!! What a wonderful surprise maybe after all he did want her, but he was drunk again, what did it mean? The last time that happened nothing more than kissing and talking had happened so was it really what people said that alcohol is liquid courage and he was just saying what he was unable to say when he was sober? The first night he did this and she was at his house she saw a self help book, she always thought that maybe he was a real introvert and very shy, maybe that's why he called only when he was drunk.  Once again, how naive of her!!!
She drove to meet him because he was an hour away from where she was and she could not let him drive that whole way while he was drunk, because if something were to happen to him, she could never forgive herself.  She drove and met him, then she followed behind him until they got to her place, a hotel room in a hotel that was right next to the place where they both used to work at.  He parked his car and once he got off the car and saw her he gave her the biggest hug of all, one of those hugs that makes you feel wanted, missed and pretty much tell you that other person does not ever want to let you go, a hugged that can only be described as a hug of love.
That was another night of talk, another night of them making plans, most of which came from him, but that fell through, because the next morning he picked up and left, just sneaked out the door.  She called him and until now she does not remember what he said but he was very cold and distant, she did not hear from him for another two months.
A couple of months went by and she had changed rooms at the hotel she was living at, now she was facing the place where they used to work together, one day she looked out the window and saw him standing right in front of where her car was parked.  He was talking to a customer when she decided to press the panic button of her car keys, the alarm went off and the boy was looking all over and seemed to have gotten completely distracted, she was looking at him and suddenly she sees him look up, she was by her window and decided to duck down and hide, she laughed.  What a wonderful little game she had played that day, she knew he would call her that night, and so he did, it was past midnight and her phone rang, it was him and he asked her if she was still in the same city, then asked her if about the car that had an alarm go off earlier that day, he wanted to know if it was hers.  She smiled, she was just a kid then and most times she did not know how to respond to anything but after that one conversation she decided it was time to move on, she was talking to a guy that only seemed to want to talk to her when he was drunk and then if they saw each other nothing really ever happened and so she always wondered what he really wanted and what was holding him back.

Then one day, she was just 19 years old, and a handsome man caught her eye.  Took them a few weeks to realize how much they both liked each other, cute game they played, she would go to the coffee shop where he worked and would ask for a hot chocolate, this man had that look in his face that she always looked for.  After 2 weeks of playing that flirting game we all play when we like someone but we are not sure, he came over to the store she worked at; she thought he was the cutest boy she had ever met, tall, blue eyes that sometimes looked gray, and this contagious smile.
She was expecting to just exchange a conversation and maybe exchange numbers, what she never expected was to end up going on a date that same night, a date she was never asked to go out on because that boy never asked her out, all that boy did was ask: "at what time do you get off?" to which she answered: "at 9 pm, why" and the boy replied: "I just wanted to know at what time I needed to pick you up so we can go to dinner and a movie, I will see you at 9." And he left.
Later that day she realized how smooth that boy was and she rather liked it, that night she got off work and he was waiting for her outside the store, ready to take her with him. They immediately clicked even though at first the boy thought this was just something that would last a couple of months because his future plans, which he had before he met her, did not include her.  One day she invited him to go on a trip with her but he said it was too early to take any trips together, especially since he knew he would be leaving soon, but something told her that he would be around for a long time so she just smiled and nodded.  She understood him and she did not know why, but the communication they both had with each other, it was something she never thought could happen, now she only remembers very few times when they actually fought but even in a disagreement they would not really argue they would talk, they were able to talk even when they were mad at each other.
Maybe this was it, maybe being alone was not something that was for her, she thought.  There was a guy she met, whom at some point seemed to be able to read her thoughts and she was able to read his.  The connection formed was like no other, if he was in pain she felt it and if she was in pain he felt it.  They both wanted the same things in life, each one of them wanted the other to succeed at getting their heart's desire, life was just starting for these two fools, and she knew it.  A year went by and he never left, he was still around, and they both decided to move in together.  All the different places they wanted to go to, and they both agreed that they wanted to be by the mountains, that is where they wanted to be, their final destination was the mountains.
So the day came to go, her father was extremely angry at what she was doing because how dare she pick up her stuff and moves out of his house without planning it out with him first, to her father she would never see her baby brother that was due in 6 months, and how dare she thought that this boy she was moving in with would stick around, because to him they were too young and it would all eventually fail, the boy would realize he was too young to make a commitment like that and he would pick up and leave and then she would end up alone in the world with no place to go.
Sadness and anger filled her heart, but that boy held her while she cried.  He comforted her by being there for her, by dropping everything he was doing and coming to get her, they packed up her car and left that night, the next day they went to his parents' house, just three hours away from where they left and when they got there, that little voice of hers told her that they should stay in that city, but she did not listen, it was just fear she thought and even the boy agreed, so they visited for a couple of days and then off they went.
Finally they got to their destination, new place, did not know the streets, very difficult to get around, very cold and nothing like they expected, they stayed for a couple of months and after figuring out that they wanted to be in a different city, one that was about 3 hours away from their original destination, they decided to go back to the city where his parents' lived, so they did and even though their original city did not work out and even though the one they really wanted to be in was one where they could find no jobs because it was such a small town, once they got back to the city his parents' lived in everything started to fit in.  All the puzzle pieces were completing the puzzle, the first two weeks no one knew that they were there, in a way she thought this was a way of keeping negative energy away from them, something that she believes works, because how was it that everything was fitting in absolute perfect manner now that everyone did not really know where they were at?  Until this day she uses that method, she won't tell anyone what she is doing, especially if it is something that she wants badly to happen or work out.
Another few months went by, the boy went back to school, she worked, she was always trying to find somewhere she could work and be happy, but the jobs came and went, maybe because what she always wanted to do was not what any of those jobs were offering her.  They struggled financially, and then at some point they stopped talking to each other like they used to.  That communication which is the basis for any good relationship was becoming null.  They could not tell each other what they felt like they used to, so the love they had for each other started to change, then she starts a new job, and she meets HIM, the one boy that has ever caught her attention in a way that no other has.  She wondered why, she was still faithful to her boyfriend, the partner she had for almost 2 years, the boy that held her and comforted her when she cried, but this other guy; this other guy had something that she could not take out of her mind.  Was it what everyone calls love at first sight? Nah, she immediately erased those thoughts in her head, they were illogical, you can't fall in love with someone you don't know, it was probably just an attraction.
Finally came the day when that one conversation was to be had, the one where you tell each other that you no longer feel the same way, the one where you tell each other that not communicating with each other like you used to has hurt more than anything in the world, because he did not trust her enough with his feelings and in turn created a situation that was almost impossible for her to live in.  Maybe she was over reacting, maybe she should stay but this time she listened to that little voice inside her that told her that it was time to go.  So she left. She never really stopped loving her boy, they remained distant friends, keeping close to their hearts the good times, at least she knows she has.  She knows she will always love him but it is what she calls pure love, true love, the one where you just want the other person to be happy, the one where you realize that you have learned everything you can from that person but they will always have a special place in your heart, and even if they decide to keep a distance, the door will always be open because you can never have too many friends, that's how she sees him now, as a really good friend.

She grew up idolizing her father, one that was not around but the few times he was, he was the best dad ever.  She always blamed the circumstances, the person her father had chosen as a second wife, the time it took to take care of a child, for that absence.  It was never her father's fault that he was not around, she also always wanted to be with her grandmother and because of this she thought maybe if I wanted to be with dad I would be with dad.
Dad was wonderful through those years, he was the guy that went out of his way to help others, he would buy toys for Christmas and give them away to kids that were living in the streets, he would buy food for the kids he saw in the streets in an attempt to make sure they ate and did not get their money stolen by their parents or spent on drugs.  Her dad was fun, he would play around with her and her sister, washing his car on a Sunday afternoon was the most fun, everyone would end up wet, watching cartoons in the weekend mornings she would go to her father's house and at some point putting music on and danced around the house while cleaning it.  There were few of those days but those days nonetheless were all she knew and all she thought her father was.
So that's why as she grew older all she ever dreamed of was to have a family, to find a guy that would fall completely in love with her, that would be proud of her, that would be kind and fun just like her dad was.  A guy that would have the drive to be successful in all aspects of life but that would not allow that success to get to his head, he would be someone that remained humble through it all. Someone that was truly happy and that enjoyed life just as much as she did.  This man would be someone that would treat her as an equal and would at the same time feel he was the luckiest man on earth because he had her with him.  They would work hard together and help each other reach their goals, she knew there would be tough times but they both would go through them together and rise above them, because they would work as a team to get ahead.
The man she would meet would also be so in love with her and she would be so in love with him that neither of them would ever have any doubts as to the choices they ever made in life, because they would know that all those choices is what brought them together so even if at the moment they seemed like the wrong choice, they all turned out to be the right one.  One day she thought, and that day she would also have her daddy around, and he would also be so proud of her because she would have not only found happiness on her own but also found someone to share it with and someone that knew how much she was worth.
Then there came the day when finally came the choice to live with dad full time, she thought it was time for dad to take over for grandma, it was time he got the chance to become responsible.  Then she came to know a different person, one that resolved everything with punches and insults, one that wanted to show off to the world everything he had and even try to show off the things he did not have.  A man that was not humble at all, nor was he happy, he was unhappy and he wanted to make sure everyone else was, someone that had no respect for what others wanted, but only had respect for what he wanted and only if the others would do what he wanted was it that he would respect what they wanted to do.
She got to meet a man that had no problem telling her that the biggest mistake he ever made was to get her mother pregnant, without realizing what those words meant.  A man that would make excuses to hit his wife, and even more excuses to hit his kids, kids that were old enough to understand if only they were free to talk to each other, if both parts waited for the anger to settle and then both also realized that they needed to open their minds and listen to the other.
There went her dreams of a family, of a man that was just like dad because now she really knew who dad was, and if after all those years, even though she realized that she never really spent a lot of time with dad to realize what his flaws were, how easy would it be for her to be deceived into thinking that one man could be all she ever wanted and then for that man to turned out to be something totally different? What about now knowing who dad really was and wishing for someone like him, then she would get someone that was just like him?
This is when she realized that all those dreams should remain just being dreams, and the best and safest thing to do was to be alone.