The not knowing what will happen next, and the thought that everything is falling apart rather than falling together to fit into a perfect piece is what create our insecurities and our inability to make the proper decisions, then we panic and we go all over the place rather than just stay still for a moment and clear out everything (which is really hard to do) and then let our inner voice guide us to the proper solution.

This is what PJ did, at the beginning she had no idea what she was going to do anymore because now she had no job, no place to live and she was just sitting there trying to figure out what to do next, at the beginning she panicked, we are all allowed to do that, but then a calming thought came to her head and suddenly everything felt like it was the opportunity she was waiting for, now she could definitely take a deep breath and go after her independence, getting a better job with benefits, and having to just take care of her and her daughter, no one else's children were involved and even though she would miss her kiddos she realized that it was the best course of action in the end.

She found a different job, one she could do from home and that paid by the hour, it was like heaven sent, all she remembers doing is looking up to the sky and saying that she needed a job from home that would pay her by the hour and would offer her benefits and that she did not need much experience to start, then she opened up her computer and googled for call center work from home, the very first option was the company that she would be working for a period of time that she never thought could be possible.

After a few months of her living with her father's ex wife and her little sister, renting a room in their house, she found a way to move out of that city and into a different one where she could actually afford rent on her own, things were finally being put into place, all was fitting in such a way that it was almost unbelievable, she never thought for one minute that she would actually be able to have her own apartment and her daughter could have her own room and she would be able to do it on her own.  But it happened.

Once she moved, it was the start for her to meet new people and welcome more old friends into her life, she started acquiring more moms that she could possibly ever think she would have, and they were all so much like her, finally she was finding where she belonged and started acting more like her.

She was there for exactly one year.  Her legal husband, MR, was no where really to be found and she had made amends with his mother, finally able to let her into her life but always with caution, at the end of the day she was thankful for those that were not afraid to apologize and were humble enough to admit when they had made a mistake.  Not talking to her father allowed her to see that there are good people out there and allowed her to learn the difference between a truly good person and one that only seems good because they will get something in return from her.

It was an amazing learning experience and that small city taught her that she could have a bit of faith in humanity again, taught her that it was ok to love and not be loved back because love is not something that requires anything in return, she learned her true values and who she really was, someone that just wanted to give as much as she could to anyone that needed it.  

In the middle of the year that she was there, MD sort of came to the picture again, saying the words she had always wanted to hear from him, those same words that she knew that the one would say to her and she would just know that was it, there was no more looking, in a way every time she let him go, he would find a way to come back in, and so her journey with him was not really over.  After that call she went to visit and when he decided he did not want to spend time with her because he did not want her to think that they were in a relationship, which is pretty odd since she realized that even after saying the words she always wanted to hear you still have to spend time together and talk and do things together in order to find out whether or not you really want to be with that person or not and all of that takes time, not just one weekend... but she let it go, the very next day she woke up with the grand desire of moving again and she knew where it was that she had to move, then that night he appeared again and they spent that whole night talking, that night she realized what went wrong when she first met him, she knew why he ran, and suddenly it all made sense, one more lesson that she needed to learn: patience and a second one: follow your intuition, it is never wrong even when you at the moment think it is.

Time passed and there she was now she was a nanny, taking care of 3 beautiful kids as well as her own, the woman was also a single mom that had a similar situation happened to her, with a drug addict ex-husband that just kept going deeper and deeper into the hole, however he was sort of still around, so that was a difference...
The woman she worked for, EC, was having an affair with a married man, EC thought she was absolutely in love with him, and that he would leave his wife for her, because he would tell her that all was doomed, there was no fixing the marriage and he could not leave her just yet because he wanted to make sure his child was going to be fine and wanted to leave them with a good amount of money...
This had gone on for a couple of years, but she met EC right in the middle of this relationship and one day when EC told her that she wanted to have a Valentine's Day dinner with her boyfriend and that the kids needed to be out of the house during the time they usually took a nap and because her boyfriend could not come any other time, and of course he couldn't, he was married and his wife, even though they had problems as he stated and it was all over (pure lies) was waiting for him at home so that they could have their Valentine's Day dinner.
In a way she felt sad for EC, a woman that is so pretty and had so much potential and could really find someone to actually make a life with was wasting her time with someone that deep down she knew that would never leave his family, and every time they talked about it she would tell her that she thought that would never happen....
And of course it wouldn't, and if it did happen how would she ever feel about it later on, would she ever think that this guy would cheat on her too? I mean that is how any woman would feel at some point, you would have to live with that for the length of the relationship....
Anyhow, she realized after a few months that EC really was not emotionally ready for a real relationship, she had not gotten over the hurt and pain that she was caused by someone that had broken her trust in the worst way possible, and when that happens well... It's hard to trust again so it is easier to have meaningless relationships with people that you know will never become anything serious because they are already "serious" with someone else.
That made perfect sense, it was not something she would ever do, because a married man should respect that small piece of paper that states that he will be loyal to the other person that is signing it, if at some point they drift apart, or grow apart then they should separate and move on before jumping into a new relationship, or what's worse, cheat with someone... What if that someone they cheated on was their true love, how can you possibly ever get the necessary respect from that person after they at one point realize how you were capable of cheating with them and breaking a promise, is that really a good way to start?
Anyhow, we are getting off the subject now, and I just realized that I never told you this girl's name, which up until now it was ok because we had not mentioned any other women in the story so whenever we said she, everyone knew we were referring to her, but now to not confuse you, well her name is PJ.
Now PJ knew that she was not a saint, she was anything but a saint, and it was not like she had never been with a guy that had a relationship with someone else, in her case though the guy was not married, he just had a girlfriend and when he saw PJ again, because they knew each other from high school, well... he had just started to date this other girl, however that does not excuse the behavior but in reality she did not want anything serious and she really did not have time for a relationship and knowing that with this guy the most she would ever be also because they lived in different cities was friends well... she formed a weird relationship that turned out to be a good friendship.
With that said, after that Valentine's Day that EC told her to go ahead a take the kids and PJ felt that it was not something she should be doing, especially because the kids had already gotten into a routine and they needed that routine and it shouldn't be changed for something or in this case someone that was obviously lying to both women he was with, and he seriously was not worth it anymore, 2 years had gone by and for EC nothing had changed so what is a woman to do? Keep wishing that the person she "loves" will leave his family for her? Anyhow, that Valentine's Day marked the ending of the relationship that she had with EC, after that she had no job and had no where to live because she was a live-in nanny for EC.
And this is where her world started to crumble a bit again...

That's when she learned that people don't help you out without expecting anything in return.  Yes, she did that, she would go through hell and back to help a friend, and as she thought about it more she realized how from the moment she could remember, there were times when she stopped eating just so that a friend could eat and she thought how she never asked for anything from them.  But what did she ever get from giving so much? Most would say nothing, however she always had the satisfaction that she helped someone, that she put a smile on someone's face even if it cost her tears.
Not everyone is like her, in fact people that think like that are very few, it's not really that the acts are selfless because you always get some sort of reward from them but the majority of people help out in an attempt to control the other person's life, or in an attempt to have a "one day they will be able to return the favor" card.
These expectations are what end up making all these people angry, because when the other person does not do as they expected or anticipated, or they don't get to control the other person's life like they wanted to then disappointment sets in and with that all these other emotions arise, and suddenly they start thinking irrationally and because of that people end up doing things that they would have not otherwise done had they just given help without any expectation.  And that is exactly what happened, she was expected to do something in a certain way and when she didn't then they all turned on her, they tried to find whatever they could so that they could bring her down and take her child, or at least keep her where she was.
That's when it was time to run again...
But then what? Does she keep running? Or was it then time to go ahead and figure it out on her own? Was this a way she was being told that there is no such thing as truly selfless acts and that people were not really good and the ones that are or might be truly of good character are extremely hard to find, those that were like her or maybe just a bit similar, did not really exist in large quantities, therefore she needed to realize that she was alone, and the rest of the road she needed to walk on her own, no one else was allowed, not if she wanted it done her way anyway...
That's the hardest lesson she had to learn, to be alone, no support from anyone but herself, sometimes moral support from her grandmother but let's face it, when she talks to her grandmother she has to be strong, pretend that she believes wholeheartedly that everything will be fine in the end even when inside she is completely crumbling and falling apart, even when all she wants to do is cry until she falls asleep and she is wishing that someone was there not to talk but just to hold her.
Being alone was not easy, especially not with a child, and some would say well you are not really alone, you have a baby, a baby that fills you with joy and laughter, and yes she realized that was true but she was referring to a different kind of company.
As the months passed her life welcomed old friends, but she was not as trusting anymore, how could she be? The very people that she was supposed to be able to trust with all she got, they broke that trust in the worst possible way, they schemed behind her back, and then when she found out about it they blamed it all on her so much so that for a while and even in the present moment she felt like maybe it was all her fault...
But that's absurd, one cannot control the actions of others, one can only control their own actions, and sometimes even our own actions are not able to be controlled because they are a jerk reaction to a feeling and it's difficult to control a feeling, whether is anger or excitement, if it is true it is hard to not react in a bad way, something that later on she decided that she would work on....

Why my favorite Disney movie is my favorite Disney movie...

A few weeks ago I was talking to a friend about our favorite Disney movies, his is Alice in Wonderland, when I asked why he liked that movie so much he gave me a very deep explanation as to why, now I don't quite remember his exact words but it got me thinking about why my favorite Disney movie is in fact my favorite Disney movie....

I used to think that it was because it was just a movie filled with so much magic and the idea of riding on a magic carpet ride was absolutely amazing, with that said though in the past couple of days I've realized the true meaning behind my fascination with Aladdin, I see a lot of myself in Princess Jasmine, not that I think I am a princess but I was sort of raised like she was...

I was raised by my grandmother, a woman that because of her age she had different views of the world, she was very protective and during my childhood was during the time where more crimes were being committed, especially those involving kidnapping, murder and rape, now during the time she was a teenager, and the time she raised my father the crime rate was not as high as it was when I was growing up, therefore she kept me and my cousin at arm's length, we could not leave the house without either her or my aunt, we could not watch TV, except for a very few shows that she would allow, and more than anything we were not allowed to go to any of our friends' house without them knowing exactly who their parents were and after they had made sure that they knew their parents for a while or they were going to be with us there.

Then once I grew older and went to live with my father I was placed on a different bubble, now I was in a new country, one were people use and sell drugs like there is nothing, especially teenagers, I was in high school and my father even though he knew a lot about certain things he was never aware of the specific kind of drugs people can get addicted to, so what was I told: Stay away, never go anywhere where you smell marijuana, never go anywhere you see someone sniffing something because that could be cocaine or heroine, other than that nothing else existed...

Then when it came to music and different shows that I would watch, it was all about what my father listened to, I did not have to asked who singed the song, all I did was listened to it and because I listened to it so many times I liked it, most times I never even paid attention to the lyrics, and so I grew up knowing and loving what he loves and if I ever tried to like something that he did not like then I would get this look like I was listening to the worst kind of music in the world so it became that I just went with his flow. This last part was true for almost anything I ever wanted to do, it had to have an approval by someone not just me and if it was not approved then I was not allowed to try it... Now this was great for when it came to not doing drugs and not drinking or smoking, things like that but for others I think I missed out... 

Jasmine was kind of "protected" in the same way, she lived in a palace and she was not allowed to leave said palace, she could not go out and look at the world, she wanted to experience all of it but because she was a princess she was told she couldn't and then all she ever had was her garden and fountain and her loyal friend Rajah, with whom she spent most of her time.  She had all these rules as to what she could and could not do then she had to get married, had to pick a husband, and she had to wait for the princes to come and propose to her, she could not go out and meet them.

So what did she do one day? She escapes in hopes of seeing the world on her own and learning about it, more than what books can tell you because nothing beats experience, so in her first encounter she ends up getting into trouble because she grabs an apple and gives her to a little boy, she was never taught that in the outside world things were not just given like in her palace, in the real world there was an exchange of money for goods or services, and she gets into trouble.  Then Aladdin comes into the picture, the free spirited guy, the one that is street smart and does whatever he wants because well he does not live in a palace, but he wants to, he wants to live there because there is security there, there is no need to steal to survive, or work hard in order to get a small piece of bread at the end of the day.

Aladdin rescues Jasmine from getting her hands cut because she stole the apple and they manage to escape, neither knowing who the other one is, two people from opposite worlds and they fall in love... of course right? that's how every Disney movie plays out, but see for me this is the perfect love story, Jasmine who is a princess that knows nothing about the world falls for Aladdin, a street rat as they call him that knows probably a little too much, and so when he becomes a prince and he takes her for a magic carpet ride he promises to show her the world, that world she has not seen because she has been confined to a palace all her life and that's why she loves him so much, because there in front of her is a person that can show her all that she had been missing out, someone she can learn from and that can help her grow as a person, because with him she could actually experience things she has not experience before. And in turn he was someone she could teach about her world, a world he was going to eventually be introduced, and that he falsely thought was better than his. 

And see that's why that movie is my favorite one, because as I grew older I realized how much I did not know about the world even though I always thought I did, with my ex-husband I learned that the only drugs people get addicted to are not just cocaine and heroine, but there is also meth, and prescription drugs and over the counter drugs that people use to get high, and there are different ways they take the drugs and I learned that a drug addict is only dangerous not when they are high but when that high starts to go away and they are unable to find anything to get to that point again, all of this is something my father did not know either and even now he does not really pay attention to it, or has the desire to learn more about something that is so controversial and that now a days every parent should know so that they can truly explain it to their kids rather than say it is a forbidden thing which usually ends up making them want to do it even more... 

With music, my little sister was the one that would introduce me to new kinds of music, she had more freedom as to what she listened to, in between her friends at school and going back and forth with her mother and my father's attempt to actually build a bond with her so he would be introduced to her music too, that's all I ever really was exposed to, so yeah now a days I have learned a lot more about it than I used to, still don't really pay attention to who sings the song or who wrote it, but I focus more on taking it all in and actually taking in the melody as well as the lyrics and see what I actually like and what I am in the mood for...

And as far as having a prince, well... what can I say, as a little girl and even now as an adult when I daydream and romanticize about things that will never happen but that make me smile, I realize I don't really want a prince, I want a diamond in the rough, someone that knows a lot about the world, especially about things I don't know about, because then we could learn from each other and grow together, find a balance, like Aladdin and Jasmine did. 

Ohh a girl can only dream... right?? :) 

How I found me again....

It's funny how sometimes we never think that we will ever feel like we don't know ourselves anymore, we get depressed and unhappy, we lose that joy we used to have and if we cannot find that "light" we naturally have we then feel lost.
I felt like that for quite sometime, in between all the stress from work, finances, new schedules, new adventures and having new people around, it is amazing how all of it combined can become so darn overwhelming that you just don't know where to go and sometimes don't even know what to do, I even got to the point where I was starting to feel lonely, I had forgotten what that word was, the last time I felt like that was when I was living with my husband and it wasn't until I left him that I did not feel whole again, I never understood that, I mean how do you feel so alone when you have someone by your side?
This past weekend I realized why, it was not such a bad thing and it was not a great realization either but it helped find myself again... So here is what I have realized....
In the past few weeks I have probably been surrounded by an extreme amount of people that have offered in one way or another to help out whenever I need, my usual self would just never even take a second look at those offers, I would just always not expect anything from anyone but myself because in the end you can't really control what other people do but you sure as hell can control what you do, so why ever put any expectation that one person or a group of people would ever do anything for you, why expect them to be there at all??? whether it is for them to be there for moral support or because you actually need them to help you out with something?
Well a few months ago I decided maybe I should expect a little more from people, maybe I should have a little faith in them I mean all cannot be bad right? Maybe one of them will really truly come through for me so I decided that I was gonna give them all a chance... well I guess in my head, my brain was not set to also just not get disappointed when they did not come through because in reality they owed me nothing, they did not have to offer any help and they did not have to help me out at all, but I guess the fact that I figured maybe it was gonna be different brought me more disappointment than I thought I would have ever gotten...
And that's when it started, that was the beginning of me becoming completely and absolutely lost, depressed and the beginning of me feeling like I was never going to find my light again....
I hated feeling like that, mostly because I know negativity is contagious and now I had all these different people around me and I really did not want them to end up in the same rut I was in.  A lot of time was spent thinking what the heck happen, where did I go wrong and what did I do to feel this way? Then a lot of things started piling up: bills, personal issues and finally what always ends up happening when you are being negative and end up stressing out: I got sick!!!
The tiredness, the sleepless nights, the stress, all of it added up to horrible migraines that lasted weeks!!!! It's amazing how much your body is affected by stress, it can literally kill you!
It was not until the end of week number four of terrible migraines that I realized what had happened, that was when I was so darn dizzy, throwing up every time I got up, I could barely walk from the pain and even the pain killers did absolutely nothing but seemed to make the migraine worse... That third day of this I was laying in bed, crying from the pain because it was extreme, I mean the pain was so bad that I would have rather thrown myself off a balcony than keep feeling it, I called those that had once offered help, I knew then I needed it, I really needed help, I had reached my limit, I could not stand the pain and everything I had tried has not worked, I needed to go to the hospital and someone needed to take me because I could barely walk and I did not think I would have survived a bus ride.
So that's when I started calling people, I could not stand the light of my phone at all, that's how bad it was, but everyone was either busy or did not answer... I cried some more, this time because that lonely feeling filled me up, my daughter was not with me, and I felt like there was no one around that would force me to be strong for, it is amazing how your kids feed you so much power, so much strength! So I kept crying and in my crying I asked God, the universe, the Spirit, whatever it is that you might call it, I asked why I felt this way, I asked why was I so alone? I asked why everyone was not around when I really needed them??? And then the answer hit me! It was like I was hearing someone loud and clear telling me: What do you mean you are so alone? You have always been on your own, never have you needed anyone and the times you have needed someone you have gotten someone there... That's when I called 911 and asked for help, one of the scariest things I have had to do because I feel like even though it was an emergency there should have been another way for me to get there, but there really wasn't so it was my last resort.  I got to the hospital and the doctor thought it could be something more serious than a migraine so they did a CAT scan and a lumbar puncture, that last one hurt so much, they pretty much put me to sleep when  I got there but for the lumbar puncture I had to be awake and all I gotta say is: THAT HURT!!! and while I was sitting there having a needle inserted in my back, I thought once again how nice it would be for me to have someone I loved and that cared about me there holding my hand making me feel safe, and how much I probably needed that at that moment, but then it hit me again!!! This is was not the first time you have gone through something like this and it is not gonna be the last time even though I secretly hope that it is, I really hope that I don't get a migraine that is that bad again, but hell if I do, I know I can take care of it myself!
I was alone and once again I felt lonely and I started missing those who had really been there for me before and who had actually kept their word when it came to that, and then I realized how the times I really needed someone there was always someone there, so this time maybe I did not need anyone and that was ok, it was ok because it reminded me of how strong I can be, how even when I am scared to death I somehow find it within me to keep going, how I always figured things out on my own, even without my daughter because one day she will leave and will have her own life and that's ok, that is how things are supposed to be, we are born alone and we die alone and any company we are ever able to get it's just supposed to be added joy.
The next day, even though my back was still hurting but I was glad it was just a really bad migraine, I found my light once again, that light I had lost when I put my faith in other people and not myself, that light that had been slowly turned off by every disappointment I have had in the past few months, and each one of them is no one's fault except mine... Yes, my fault for expecting more from people, rather than continue to not expect much and just be extremely delighted and surprised if they actually did anything, my fault for forgetting that the only person that has the power and that can make a true difference in my own life is me and no one else, my fault for allowing others to make me feel this way because in the end you are in charge of how you feel and while you are allowed to feel angry, sad, depressed, etc, you have the power to not allow it to consume you to the point of making you so sick...
Yes, I still have a ton of things to figure out, I still have a lot of things to get used to, yes there is still a lot of things that will cause stress in my life, but there is one thing I know for sure: I don't need anyone to help me out, I wanted people around but I learned that is not always possible, and while this is sort of a sad realization because some will say how sad it is that you have lost your faith in others, I say yeah it is sad and probably if they all knew that I am not expecting anything from them anymore, that I really don't expect them to ever come through for me, and I really don't think they care that much and if they do well that's great, maybe they would be disappointed in me but you know what? That's ok, because that would be their own feelings to deal with, they would not be mine.
In the meantime I will continue to be the person I know I am, the one that can pull through anything that is thrown at her and that will always be there for everyone not just promising that I will be there for those that I love, but actually being there when they want me there, because I know that the times they need me around I know for sure I will be there, that's the kind of person I am, and I truly hope I don't ever forget it again, life always puts you in certain situations not to make you stronger but to remind you of how strong you really are and now I can start working on climbing out of the hole I had fallen into and I can't wait to get completely out of it one step at the time!!! :)