You

The thought of losing you scares me, it scares the shit out of me to think that maybe one day you may walk away from my life.

I couldn't begin to tell you or describe to you how important you are to me, how much I miss you when you are not around, how much I want to be with you and share with you every joy, every smile. 

I don't think you could ever understand how much of a change you've made in my life, you've made my life messier and better all at the same time, there is no one else in this world that has the power to make me so mad that all I want to do is slap them silly and then at the same time I can't help it but to end up smiling and wanting to kiss you and tell you how no one else in the world irritates me as much as you do but I wouldn't wanted any other way because the reason you irritate me is because I love you so damn much and you know me so damn well. 

You know my soul, you don't let me hide, you make me stand out and be myself and you force me to feel, I was numb until I became close to you.

Somehow you have won my heart, somehow you are able to push through the walls, and come in to that place that no one else knows because no one else has had the stubborness and the patience and mostly the stubborness to keep on pushing, and I know that you don't even know that you are doing it, I know you get tired of it, I know that it irritates you and when it does it scares me that you will once again walk away like everyone else has.

Maybe it is that you think I am not good enough or maybe you think you are not good enough but to me you are worth it all, everything in this world, everything I can give, because there is no one else on this world with whom I feel the way I feel when I'm with you.  I am safe when I'm with you. 

What I really would like to say to people...

Today I woke up extremely early, too early for my taste to be honest, especially on a day when I did not have to really wake up early at all; anyhow when I realized that I was not going to be able to go back to sleep at all because this darn cough is just taking over, I decided to go ahead and turn my phone on.

First thing that comes through is a text from an old friend, I had sent my yearly Christmas card the night before and he was texting saying thanks and of course most times after people decide to say thank you they also start trying to make conversation most times just to be polite because for some reason they can't just say thank you for the card and happy holidays to you too, they also have to add how are you? Or are you doing alright? Or  if the last time you spoke you said you were having some sort of trouble they ask you are you doing any better?

Yes I know that a lot of people truly do want to know about you and they truly care about you but the majority just ask the questions to make small talk and to tell you the truth I hate small talk, I can't stand it!!! This is when I got myself into trouble because now I am thinking about it and I realized one of the reasons I hate small talk (ok maybe in the end I will end up having written more than one but hey that's me!), the first reason is: I never know how to answer those damn questions!!!

Someone asks me how am I doing and I think to myself I don't know how I am doing, in order for me to know how I'm doing right now I would need to compare myself to either another human being or another time in my life or I would have to compare myself to the me I wanted to be right now but years ago in which case the answer to the question would vary from I'm doing alright to I'm doing extremely terrible, then there are days when I'm not good when I really know that I could be way better and I feel like I either have to lie to the person that is asking me how I am doing and in turn lie to myself or open up myself for a conversation I really don't want to have. So when someone asks me that question all I really want to say is: that is such a general question, how am I doing? How am I doing in what? Life, work, how am I doing in comparison to what or who? And if I have to compare myself to something or someone else then I really don't want to answer that stupid question because really it's irrelevant to anyone else's life, I'm doing however it is that I'm doing and since I don't compare myself to anything, anyone or even go back to where I thought I was gonna be at today five years ago... Well I really don't know how I'm doing...

That same person that texted this morning also said to me that I think too much, well duh!!! My philosophy professor once said that the brain is there for you to use it and think, if I don't think then it would be like buying a car and not driving it, why would you buy the car and not drive it? The car was created to be driven... Then again there are people that buy cars and never drive them but I guess they don't think as much either... Ok now I feel like I'm contradicting myself but this friend is not the first one to tell me that and I guess after the last few paragraphs most people would agree that I do tend to over think certain things like why not just say I'm good thanks and leave it at that? Well I'll tell you why: because most people expect you to ask them back how they are doing, it's society's way of starting a conversation and when you just plainly answer: "I'm good, thanks" most times later on you will get a message that says: are you ok? And then the whole thing starts again... I don't know if I'm ok, am I ok with what? So most times I say: I don't know, and then they say how do you not know... And it's so hard to explain why I don't know if I am ok or not because let's face it, answering that just takes a lot of energy to explain my side of the deal and in the end no one really ends up understanding me so why even bother trying to make sense of it to someone else???

The other one that I love, great conversation starter for most people and usually a great way to avoid actually saying or asking what you really want to ask or say to that friend works just like how are you or how are you doing and that is: what's up? To that I usually want to say: well apparently a lot of things, currently my neighbors seem to be up, my daughter is up, there are cliuds up in the sky, I'm sure I could find some airplanes there too, and I guess I'm up since I am writing this....

Yes I know they all ask asking just as you would ask: what's new? But really what's new with what? I don't know, I have nothing new around really, then they go: no what's new with you? And I'm thinking are we wanting to know everything new that has happened since we last talked? Cause something new happens every minute and to tell you the truth I don't have time to list everything nor do I want to and possibly I would probably have forgotten of all the new things that have happened and in the end I end up with nothing is new...

I hate small talk... Small talk to me just sucks! I'd rather really not communicate at all than talk small talk and I have realized that as I grow older it gets even worse, it's like look there are more important things to talk about and really I would rather just save my energy for those things! Maybe one day I'll be lucky enough to find a group of people that are a bit like me, that really don't know how to answer those questions and that think they are just a ridiculous way to socialize, they have no true purpose other than make you talk about things that end up being irrelevant in knowing the other person... Maybe one day... Until then I guess I will continue to be the odd woman out and just be thought of antisocial or not interested and I think now that I've taken the time to think about it a little more... I don't mind that at all so long as in the end I end up avoiding meaningless chitchat that I really don't have time for or really want to do, I'd rather read a book.... 

The idea of you with me, the idea of us and what we can achieve together is what makes me keep getting up in the morning, just the idea of all of it, even though I know that it will never be true, that our time passed, I still have that little light of faith and hope that maybe one day you will realize how much love I have for you and you will come sweeping me off, holding me tight and kissing me the way only you know how, letting me know that I am the only one for you.  That thought just made me smile once again.  I can't look at you in the eyes anymore, every time I do all I want to do is kiss you and hold you, I want to tell you how much I love you, how much my life has changed because of you, I want to tell you that I would not have wanted my life to be any different than it is at that moment in time.  I want to tell you that every moment I have been with you has been the best moments of my life.  They say that love is surrender and I think I have now surrendered, surrendered to the idea that I will be whoever you want me to be in your life, for the first time I have released all control, because I can't control how you feel about me, I can't control what you think we can be, I can't control your fears, all I can do is be here for whenever you need me, I will never stop being here, no matter what you do, I will always be here. You hold the key to my heart.

Getting offended (I really don't know what else to call this one)

Where do I start...
I've been thinking lately about people and how offended they get about the most ridiculous and stupid things, a few weeks ago I had posted one of my many rants in my Facebook page, my rants always include words that apparently are not very appealing to the "general" public; yes I use "bad" words a lot when I get angry and lately I have to admit I have been getting a lot more irritated than usual but I know where it is coming from and why, therefore I am just riding the wave because I also know that at some point things will change and the source of my irritation will disappear and I will go back to smiling and being absolutely joyful to be around 99.9% of the time... yes I don't say 100% because there is not one person in the universe that can say that they have never gotten angry.
With that said... You are allowed to get angry (I think I have covered this before but I could not stress it enough!!!) and you are allowed to rant and you are allowed to use whatever words you want to use in order to express that anger, so long as you are not insulting a person directly that does not deserve to be insulted, then go for it!!! There have been a lot of different studies made about the use of such "foul" language, and let me tell you that most of the studies state the positive of using such words as fuck, cunt, bitch, ass and whatever else I am missing right now that we tend to use especially when we get angry or irritated.
Anyhow, where was I... Ahhh yes, my Facebook rant.... So I used the word fuck in said rant and in a couple of others and what did I get? an entire thread full of comments that all they really did was irritate me even more... why? Because they made absolutely no sense and the more I think about them the more I realize how I wish I could feed some common sense and  knowledge to some people, I mean I was even told that I was cursing my soul because I was using such "bad language" and then I asked myself: what the hell is bad language? To me bad language is language not spoken or written properly, but the word fuck was written exactly how it is supposed to be written, then I was told how offensive it was, so I think to myself: wait a minute, I was not insulting anyone directly, I was insulting a bag of candy, I had written: fucking candy and I am sorry but unless the candy is capable of feeling anything, which by the way it is proven that it cannot because is an inanimate object and therefore incapable of feeling anything including getting offended, then there is absolutely no need to get offended because someone says fucking candy...
With that said, how in the world is it that we get offended by words that are not even directed at us? if you don't like something that you are reading and whatever it is that was written was not intended towards you and it's not really harming a living thing, then why the hell would anyone get offended? I have come to the conclusion that anyone that does is an idiot, so if you are one of those people now you can get offended because yes I called you an idiot, it's a heck of a lot easier to just ignore someone's rant if you don't like it, don't read it, don't listen to it, no one is forcing you.
Just like no one is forcing you to read this either and I am pretty sure that someone will get offended because I used a word that is in the dictionary but that the majority of people think it's a bad word, and going back to the dictionary... the meaning of the word fuck is to have sex, that was it's intended meaning, it's something that the majority of people do at least once a week, yet they get offended when someone uses it in a sentence and even when we use that word in the slang terms the word fuck becomes even more harmless, in the slang terms we have meanings like:
to treat unfairly, to meddle with, to behave in a frivolous or meddlesome way, go away, to waste time, to ruin, to act stupidly or carelessly...
and people get offended by that??? just a word, one word...
I keep thinking about all of it and I keep getting to the same conclusion, this world is full of foolishness and stupidity, it's a world where we come up with the most ridiculous things in order to scare others into doing what we believe is best for them and not what they believe is best for them.  It's a world where there is little respect, where people don't really listen or read what others are saying and in the end they end up making up their own conclusions all while saying how they accept everyone the way they are and complaining how everyone wants to tell them how to do things and how they don't like it, yet they do it to other people...
Yes, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, you say it and if the person takes it great if not then you keep on going, they make their own mistakes and they know how to lead their life however way they see fit, why? Because they are the only ones living it front and center, there is no possible way someone could ever tell you everything that happened to them in the day because that would take a full day to tell and we would still miss certain things that maybe at the time we believe are not of any value but that later on show some sort of role in our life.
Life is simple but we complicate it by living it the way we do, by getting offended for stupid things, by not listening to others when they are saying loud and clear how whatever they are going through has nothing to do with us, we ignore what we want to ignore and pay attention to what seems convenient to us, I guess that's how we survive but I don't think that is how we will ever be able to truly get along with others...

Balance, can we really achieve it?

I was on my morning bus ride coming back from dropping off my daughter to school, I get the same bus driver 4 out of the 5 days that I drop her off, she is possibly one of the sweetest persons I have yet to meet.

Being that we sort of "know" each other now because it has been weeks that I take the same bus at the same time and she sees me every day... We talk on the ride back and I was telling her how I wanted to go back to school, I mean I have just 2 more years and I'm done with my bachelor's degree so why not? But then I said to her: it's just so hard to find a balance between work, my daughter and school that that's the only thing holding me back, to that she shook her head and said: forget balance! There is no such thing as balance, nothing in life is balanced, it's not natural! One side of your hair is longer than the other, one arm is just a little longer than the other, one leg is longer than the other, and if you look at yourself in the mirror long enough you will start that one eye is probably bigger than the other one.

I smiled and realized how true that was! So I started thinking: is there such thing as balance? Do we ever achieve it in life? Well, everything is such a constant battle, nothing ever stops being one, you have to work in order to survive and love comfortably and even those people that have a lot of money, well they don't have a balance because the more money they have the more things they acquire and the more things they acquire the more they have to work in order to make sure that those things are maintained. 

So is it a loss cause trying to find a balance in life? Mmmm I don't know, I suppose an argument could be made on both sides, one would be well you will never really find a balance so instead of fighting for something you will never achieve why not think about it like this: if there is something you don't like about your life then change it if you can and of you can't then just go with it, there will be a moment when something will click and the opportunity to change it will appear.

On the other hand the argument is made that if you don't find a balance then you will lose yourself, your soul will hurt and that's just not the life you were meant to live... Ehhh I guess in that sense we have to try and find some sort of balance but then again if there is no such thing then would our efforts just be complete waste of our time and bring on more stress than necessary to our lives?

Yup! That's exactly what it would be, looking for something that does not exist, something perfect to us, we will never achieve that perfection we want, that which is different for everyone, because the more we learn and we learn every day the more we want to change things around is, the more we learn the more we evolve and guess what? As we evolve we also want to change things around....

Balance in life cannot be found because of this so yeah instead of stressing over it and following the norm, just change that which you can and want to change and the rest... Just go with it, try it and see if it makes a difference in your life.

Do we ever really heal?

A question I've been asking myself lately, do we ever really heal? but what does healing really means? Does it mean that we move on and we are able to look back at whatever happened as just a memory? or does it mean that we just don't talk about it anymore, that it does not affect us in any way, shape or form later on, that we never look back and think about it with regret...
Everyone says that we should live a life that has no regrets because even when we have done something wrong we still have learned a lesson, so if the lesson was learned then why regret it? That even when we meet the wrong people we still learn something from them so why regret meeting them? why regret having spent time with the wrong people because if we hadn't then we wouldn't know who the right people are...
Well we are all human, we will have regrets and maybe we will tell ourselves at some point that if this had not happened then this would not have happened and we would go on and on, and eventually we would make ourselves find a way to make it all make sense, and if we can't do it, then we convince ourselves that one day it will all make sense and that's how we go on, but do we really heal?
I don't think we really do, we keep in our minds that which hurt us and if a similar situation arises then we run, we pull away just to make sure that we don't get hurt again, it's human nature and nothing more, we protect ourselves from getting burned again by not putting our hands in the fire, because after the first time we knew that it hurt so why even try again? Maybe to create some sort of resilience, but when we do that we numb ourselves and suddenly we don't feel anymore....
So which one is good? to not get hurt again or to put ourselves in a position to not feel anymore, because nothing in between can really happen, after a while, after enough bad things have happened, suddenly you just don't care but why would you? if that's all you know then you get up and keep going, and then you learn to pretend that it does not bother you, you learn to keep a smile on your face even when you feel like everything will fall apart in just one minute....
On the other side if you don't jump in for the opportunity that life has given you then are you really living? So many contradictions about everything, how do we even know that we are alive? Is it because we feel? or is it because we have the ability to heal and learn?
My mom keeps telling me that growing hurts, maybe that's why we hurt so much, because we grow with every bad thing that happen to us, or with every "mistake" we make, and then it goes back to, do we ever heal?
I feel like we don't, even when we think we have, something new comes up and that reminds us of a different issue we had before and suddenly everything piles up one on top of each other and you think that there has to be a point when it will all stop, and life will make sense again, that peace will be restored... But it never really is, because as we grow we get more things to learn, we get more lessons that life throws at us, and it is never ending... We look back and think well I wish I was a kid, that's when things were so easy,  but when we are kids we wish we were adults because we would get more freedom...
We never really get the time we need to heal, because that's just how life is, in the one moment that you are taking a time out to heal and forget and move on, in that very moment life throws you another ball, have you ever notice that? Life does not allow us to really truly heal, because if it did then we would make the same mistakes over and over again and then what would the point of that be?
There is this saying that says "I'd rather live a life of oh wells than a life of what ifs", do we ever really truly mean the oh well, it did not work out but at least I tried and then never look back and asked what if I did not try, what if I missed out on something greater? We will never know but I am sure that we all ask...
I am not sure that we will ever get to truly heal, I think we will all go on pretending that we did and that's how the world will continue to keep moving, and I am not sure that is such a bad thing, maybe that is what keeps us alive, the knowing that we made a mistake, the regretting it, the asking what if I had done something different? Those are questions that at some point in our lives we will ask ourselves and someone will come along and tell us how it is not a good idea to regret anything, that the what ifs don't matter because you can never prove them, so you push them back and teach yourself to not ask those questions anymore, but do me a favor please do, take the time to feel that if you did something wrong well you did it, no one expects you to be perfect, I am not saying accept it completely and don't change, I am saying that is ok to regret, it's ok to ask what if? what is not ok is to stay in that same pattern for the rest of your life, at some point find the answer that makes the most sense to you and go with it... because why not? why not ask, why not regret? maybe if people regretted more then our world would have changed for the better long time ago, but then again we only regret what we have or have not done, even though we are told to never regret what we have done, what's done is done, and then we are told to regret that which we did not do... The world is so full of contradictions!!! So tell you what, regret whatever you want to regret and ask what if to whatever you want to ask what if to, just try to not get stuck on it, at some point take the time you need to lay down and sleep on it, sometimes we are just too tired and then all makes sense the next day... Or maybe it doesn't but if it doesn't then there is one more day you were given to figure it out right?

That girl

I am the girl that will never judge you,

the one that will always be there for you,

the girl that you can always count on,

the one that will never leave,

that one girl that will always understand you,

the girl you'll always come back to,

the one you might use as your crutch when all else fails and you feel lost,

that one girl that will always calm you down with her smile,

the one you treated like the rest but one day you realized she was not,

that one girl that will always love you no matter what,

the one that will have for you a love so pure that you will never understand,

that one girl you would love to hate,

the one that you'll always try to push away,

the girl that will show you the loyalty you deserve,

the one that will get on your last nerve, 

that girl that you will never understand,

the one that knows exactly who you are,

the girl you want to stay away from but you just can't, 

that one girl that as much as you'll think you want her to leave, will never leave your side,

because I'm the girl that you never really had.

The moment I was unexpectedly surprised by a Tim Burton's movie...

I've been working on a cross stitching project for quite sometime now and about a month ago I have finished the face of one of the characters from the picture, I still have ways to go, and really when I started it I had no idea how massive this thing would be, and I really did not know how it would look in the end cause all I really had was the original picture for it and not a finished product.

The cross stitch project is a picture from the movie The Nightmare Before Christmas, I finished miss Sally's face and I have to add that she is just stunning!!! I love all the colors that this thing has, but the more I see her face the more I think of the movie. I have to admit that I am not a big fan of Tim Burton's movies mostly because the trailers always seemed so darn dark and scary, and as a kid I never watched The Nightmare Before Christmas, it was not until this year that I actually sat down to watch the movie and I have to say that while I am still not a big fan of his movies, the meaning that I got from this movie was something unexpected and a bit refreshing...

Yes, yes I know I'm babbling now and it's like get to the point woman! So what is the meaningfulness of this movie according to me?

Well, first let's take a look at Sally, she is basically a creation of a mad man, created to keep him company and to be his servant, nothing more than that, she was a slave, she is confined in a room and not really allowed to go out into the world... But of course just like in any movie, you have to have that one character find a way out and save themselves because otherwise.... well who would watch the movie?

Then there is Jack, ohh silly old Jack Skellington, The Pumpkin King! The one that is praised by absolutely everyone in Halloween Town, everyone looks up to him, and you would think that Jack would be extremely happy about that, but he is not... And the reason Jack is not happy is because he has fallen into routine and lost all excitement, all he ever does is scare people on Halloween.  Jack is a wanderer, he wants something more, something new and exciting that will fill him up with joy and excitement and that will take away that lonely feeling he has, but no one else sees this, everyone else is excited about the same things over and over and they don't even question whether or not there is something more out there; except for Sally, Sally knows how he really feels, because she feels the exact same way, she is missing something too and does not really know what and she wants to tell Jack that he is not alone but she just does not know how.

There goes Jack falling into Christmas Town and then trying to explain and understand what Christmas is, trying to find that light of happiness and excitement of something new that he saw in Christmas Town by all the people in there, in his desperation to find something new, exciting and happy, he decides that he will take over Christmas just to get that excitement back, so he decides to become someone he is not in order to fill that void, here is the problem, anytime one tries to become someone they are not, whatever excitement you get from that "new" thing, fades away really fast, but Jack decides that he is going to go for it anyway since to him he can make Christmas even better! 

Sally is the only one that knows how much of a bad idea this is, and she is the only one that fears for Jack because she knows that this cannot end up well at all, poor old Sally loves Jack so much and she tries to tell him how bad of an idea it is and how wrong it is but Jack does not listen to her, he decides to ignore her and give her something to do, finally all that's left for Sally to do is go ahead and do what Jack asked of her and she does it because she loves him but she knows that Jack will end up getting hurt. 

Then Christmas Day comes and all that Sally can do is hope that what she has predicted will happen does not happen but as Sally expected it turns into a complete disaster, Jack still giving away gifts believes that all the children are thankful for them, and that all the people are actually happy with the gifts but because he is so into his own delusion he fails to realize that all the people are actually ready to take him down because they all know that he is not the real Santa Claus and instead of bringing cheer and joy he is actually scaring everyone, finally once the people take him down he realizes that it was a bad idea all along, but now he has to try and save Christmas, meanwhile Sally is listening how everyone already knows that Jack is not the real Santa Claus and she decides that she must help him, she goes and puts herself in danger to try and get Santa out of the Boogie's house and well.. she ends up getting trapped to later find out that Jack was taken down.
Finally after Jack realizes that he has to go back and that he should not have tried to be someone he really was not, he goes back to Halloween Town to get Santa back, and that's when Santa tells him that he should listen to Sally, because she is the only one that makes any sense there, then Jack looks at Sally and realizes just how much Sally cares about him, enough to have put herself in danger to help him out. In the end he sees that all he was looking for was right in front of him and the patience that Sally had to stick through all of it finally paid off, because in the end he saw they were meant for each other, they are the only two that saw things differently in Halloween Town and the only ones that could understand one another...
The movie shows us how sometimes we fail to see what's right in front of us, that any time we try to be someone we are not things don't turn out right, in fact things get messy.  And Sally, poor old Sally teaches us how sometimes we must be extremely patient in order to achieve something, that sometimes we must let the ones we love fall and get hurt because we cannot teach them everything, some lessons they must learn on their own, and in the end maybe they will learn and come around and maybe they won't but all we can ever do is just let them figure it out on their own...

I wish I could tell you how much I love you, I wish I could lose the fear of losing you, it's not like that fear should be there because one cannot lose something they never had, I wish you would let me show you how much you mean to me, how much I crave you every day, how much I want to be around you.
I wish I could just let you know how much you mean to me, I wish you knew that there is no one else that means as much as you mean to me, I wish you knew that I will never leave, that I will always be here and I won't let go.
Maybe our chance has long passed, maybe you and I were not meant to be more than just really good friends, maybe I need to move on, maybe you will never see what you have in front of you, maybe it was because I did not see what I had in front of me until I lost you, I wish you knew how much I would cherish you, I wish you knew that all I ever want to do is put a smile on your face, that all I want is for you to be happy, that my love for you is unconditional and that while it hurts to not have you the way I want you, I will still be there for you, that no matter what happens in this lifetime, my door will always be open.
I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me, because maybe if you knew then you would come to me, but then I think I can't do that, I don't want to force you to come to me, I want you to come to me because you want to, because you desire, because it will make you happy, because if it does not make you happy then there is no point, if it is forced unto you, then there is no point, if I could only lose the fear I have of losing you, of speaking up, of letting you know that I was not ready for you when I met you, but now I am, that somehow you've won my heart without realizing it, and how it took me by surprise.
I care so much about you, I wish you would know, I wish I could tell you, I wish we could live a love story like no other, maybe I will always just be the girl that is there waiting for you to realize what there is in front of you, or maybe just waiting for you to say that which I know you hold back, out of fear, but I don't know fear of what, I wish you would tell me, I wish you could trust me enough to go for it, to show me you, the you I know exists, I love you more than words can say, I love you so much that sometimes it hurts.

The not knowing what will happen next, and the thought that everything is falling apart rather than falling together to fit into a perfect piece is what create our insecurities and our inability to make the proper decisions, then we panic and we go all over the place rather than just stay still for a moment and clear out everything (which is really hard to do) and then let our inner voice guide us to the proper solution.

This is what PJ did, at the beginning she had no idea what she was going to do anymore because now she had no job, no place to live and she was just sitting there trying to figure out what to do next, at the beginning she panicked, we are all allowed to do that, but then a calming thought came to her head and suddenly everything felt like it was the opportunity she was waiting for, now she could definitely take a deep breath and go after her independence, getting a better job with benefits, and having to just take care of her and her daughter, no one else's children were involved and even though she would miss her kiddos she realized that it was the best course of action in the end.

She found a different job, one she could do from home and that paid by the hour, it was like heaven sent, all she remembers doing is looking up to the sky and saying that she needed a job from home that would pay her by the hour and would offer her benefits and that she did not need much experience to start, then she opened up her computer and googled for call center work from home, the very first option was the company that she would be working for a period of time that she never thought could be possible.

After a few months of her living with her father's ex wife and her little sister, renting a room in their house, she found a way to move out of that city and into a different one where she could actually afford rent on her own, things were finally being put into place, all was fitting in such a way that it was almost unbelievable, she never thought for one minute that she would actually be able to have her own apartment and her daughter could have her own room and she would be able to do it on her own.  But it happened.

Once she moved, it was the start for her to meet new people and welcome more old friends into her life, she started acquiring more moms that she could possibly ever think she would have, and they were all so much like her, finally she was finding where she belonged and started acting more like her.

She was there for exactly one year.  Her legal husband, MR, was no where really to be found and she had made amends with his mother, finally able to let her into her life but always with caution, at the end of the day she was thankful for those that were not afraid to apologize and were humble enough to admit when they had made a mistake.  Not talking to her father allowed her to see that there are good people out there and allowed her to learn the difference between a truly good person and one that only seems good because they will get something in return from her.

It was an amazing learning experience and that small city taught her that she could have a bit of faith in humanity again, taught her that it was ok to love and not be loved back because love is not something that requires anything in return, she learned her true values and who she really was, someone that just wanted to give as much as she could to anyone that needed it.  

In the middle of the year that she was there, MD sort of came to the picture again, saying the words she had always wanted to hear from him, those same words that she knew that the one would say to her and she would just know that was it, there was no more looking, in a way every time she let him go, he would find a way to come back in, and so her journey with him was not really over.  After that call she went to visit and when he decided he did not want to spend time with her because he did not want her to think that they were in a relationship, which is pretty odd since she realized that even after saying the words she always wanted to hear you still have to spend time together and talk and do things together in order to find out whether or not you really want to be with that person or not and all of that takes time, not just one weekend... but she let it go, the very next day she woke up with the grand desire of moving again and she knew where it was that she had to move, then that night he appeared again and they spent that whole night talking, that night she realized what went wrong when she first met him, she knew why he ran, and suddenly it all made sense, one more lesson that she needed to learn: patience and a second one: follow your intuition, it is never wrong even when you at the moment think it is.

Time passed and there she was now she was a nanny, taking care of 3 beautiful kids as well as her own, the woman was also a single mom that had a similar situation happened to her, with a drug addict ex-husband that just kept going deeper and deeper into the hole, however he was sort of still around, so that was a difference...
The woman she worked for, EC, was having an affair with a married man, EC thought she was absolutely in love with him, and that he would leave his wife for her, because he would tell her that all was doomed, there was no fixing the marriage and he could not leave her just yet because he wanted to make sure his child was going to be fine and wanted to leave them with a good amount of money...
This had gone on for a couple of years, but she met EC right in the middle of this relationship and one day when EC told her that she wanted to have a Valentine's Day dinner with her boyfriend and that the kids needed to be out of the house during the time they usually took a nap and because her boyfriend could not come any other time, and of course he couldn't, he was married and his wife, even though they had problems as he stated and it was all over (pure lies) was waiting for him at home so that they could have their Valentine's Day dinner.
In a way she felt sad for EC, a woman that is so pretty and had so much potential and could really find someone to actually make a life with was wasting her time with someone that deep down she knew that would never leave his family, and every time they talked about it she would tell her that she thought that would never happen....
And of course it wouldn't, and if it did happen how would she ever feel about it later on, would she ever think that this guy would cheat on her too? I mean that is how any woman would feel at some point, you would have to live with that for the length of the relationship....
Anyhow, she realized after a few months that EC really was not emotionally ready for a real relationship, she had not gotten over the hurt and pain that she was caused by someone that had broken her trust in the worst way possible, and when that happens well... It's hard to trust again so it is easier to have meaningless relationships with people that you know will never become anything serious because they are already "serious" with someone else.
That made perfect sense, it was not something she would ever do, because a married man should respect that small piece of paper that states that he will be loyal to the other person that is signing it, if at some point they drift apart, or grow apart then they should separate and move on before jumping into a new relationship, or what's worse, cheat with someone... What if that someone they cheated on was their true love, how can you possibly ever get the necessary respect from that person after they at one point realize how you were capable of cheating with them and breaking a promise, is that really a good way to start?
Anyhow, we are getting off the subject now, and I just realized that I never told you this girl's name, which up until now it was ok because we had not mentioned any other women in the story so whenever we said she, everyone knew we were referring to her, but now to not confuse you, well her name is PJ.
Now PJ knew that she was not a saint, she was anything but a saint, and it was not like she had never been with a guy that had a relationship with someone else, in her case though the guy was not married, he just had a girlfriend and when he saw PJ again, because they knew each other from high school, well... he had just started to date this other girl, however that does not excuse the behavior but in reality she did not want anything serious and she really did not have time for a relationship and knowing that with this guy the most she would ever be also because they lived in different cities was friends well... she formed a weird relationship that turned out to be a good friendship.
With that said, after that Valentine's Day that EC told her to go ahead a take the kids and PJ felt that it was not something she should be doing, especially because the kids had already gotten into a routine and they needed that routine and it shouldn't be changed for something or in this case someone that was obviously lying to both women he was with, and he seriously was not worth it anymore, 2 years had gone by and for EC nothing had changed so what is a woman to do? Keep wishing that the person she "loves" will leave his family for her? Anyhow, that Valentine's Day marked the ending of the relationship that she had with EC, after that she had no job and had no where to live because she was a live-in nanny for EC.
And this is where her world started to crumble a bit again...

That's when she learned that people don't help you out without expecting anything in return.  Yes, she did that, she would go through hell and back to help a friend, and as she thought about it more she realized how from the moment she could remember, there were times when she stopped eating just so that a friend could eat and she thought how she never asked for anything from them.  But what did she ever get from giving so much? Most would say nothing, however she always had the satisfaction that she helped someone, that she put a smile on someone's face even if it cost her tears.
Not everyone is like her, in fact people that think like that are very few, it's not really that the acts are selfless because you always get some sort of reward from them but the majority of people help out in an attempt to control the other person's life, or in an attempt to have a "one day they will be able to return the favor" card.
These expectations are what end up making all these people angry, because when the other person does not do as they expected or anticipated, or they don't get to control the other person's life like they wanted to then disappointment sets in and with that all these other emotions arise, and suddenly they start thinking irrationally and because of that people end up doing things that they would have not otherwise done had they just given help without any expectation.  And that is exactly what happened, she was expected to do something in a certain way and when she didn't then they all turned on her, they tried to find whatever they could so that they could bring her down and take her child, or at least keep her where she was.
That's when it was time to run again...
But then what? Does she keep running? Or was it then time to go ahead and figure it out on her own? Was this a way she was being told that there is no such thing as truly selfless acts and that people were not really good and the ones that are or might be truly of good character are extremely hard to find, those that were like her or maybe just a bit similar, did not really exist in large quantities, therefore she needed to realize that she was alone, and the rest of the road she needed to walk on her own, no one else was allowed, not if she wanted it done her way anyway...
That's the hardest lesson she had to learn, to be alone, no support from anyone but herself, sometimes moral support from her grandmother but let's face it, when she talks to her grandmother she has to be strong, pretend that she believes wholeheartedly that everything will be fine in the end even when inside she is completely crumbling and falling apart, even when all she wants to do is cry until she falls asleep and she is wishing that someone was there not to talk but just to hold her.
Being alone was not easy, especially not with a child, and some would say well you are not really alone, you have a baby, a baby that fills you with joy and laughter, and yes she realized that was true but she was referring to a different kind of company.
As the months passed her life welcomed old friends, but she was not as trusting anymore, how could she be? The very people that she was supposed to be able to trust with all she got, they broke that trust in the worst possible way, they schemed behind her back, and then when she found out about it they blamed it all on her so much so that for a while and even in the present moment she felt like maybe it was all her fault...
But that's absurd, one cannot control the actions of others, one can only control their own actions, and sometimes even our own actions are not able to be controlled because they are a jerk reaction to a feeling and it's difficult to control a feeling, whether is anger or excitement, if it is true it is hard to not react in a bad way, something that later on she decided that she would work on....

Why my favorite Disney movie is my favorite Disney movie...

A few weeks ago I was talking to a friend about our favorite Disney movies, his is Alice in Wonderland, when I asked why he liked that movie so much he gave me a very deep explanation as to why, now I don't quite remember his exact words but it got me thinking about why my favorite Disney movie is in fact my favorite Disney movie....

I used to think that it was because it was just a movie filled with so much magic and the idea of riding on a magic carpet ride was absolutely amazing, with that said though in the past couple of days I've realized the true meaning behind my fascination with Aladdin, I see a lot of myself in Princess Jasmine, not that I think I am a princess but I was sort of raised like she was...

I was raised by my grandmother, a woman that because of her age she had different views of the world, she was very protective and during my childhood was during the time where more crimes were being committed, especially those involving kidnapping, murder and rape, now during the time she was a teenager, and the time she raised my father the crime rate was not as high as it was when I was growing up, therefore she kept me and my cousin at arm's length, we could not leave the house without either her or my aunt, we could not watch TV, except for a very few shows that she would allow, and more than anything we were not allowed to go to any of our friends' house without them knowing exactly who their parents were and after they had made sure that they knew their parents for a while or they were going to be with us there.

Then once I grew older and went to live with my father I was placed on a different bubble, now I was in a new country, one were people use and sell drugs like there is nothing, especially teenagers, I was in high school and my father even though he knew a lot about certain things he was never aware of the specific kind of drugs people can get addicted to, so what was I told: Stay away, never go anywhere where you smell marijuana, never go anywhere you see someone sniffing something because that could be cocaine or heroine, other than that nothing else existed...

Then when it came to music and different shows that I would watch, it was all about what my father listened to, I did not have to asked who singed the song, all I did was listened to it and because I listened to it so many times I liked it, most times I never even paid attention to the lyrics, and so I grew up knowing and loving what he loves and if I ever tried to like something that he did not like then I would get this look like I was listening to the worst kind of music in the world so it became that I just went with his flow. This last part was true for almost anything I ever wanted to do, it had to have an approval by someone not just me and if it was not approved then I was not allowed to try it... Now this was great for when it came to not doing drugs and not drinking or smoking, things like that but for others I think I missed out... 

Jasmine was kind of "protected" in the same way, she lived in a palace and she was not allowed to leave said palace, she could not go out and look at the world, she wanted to experience all of it but because she was a princess she was told she couldn't and then all she ever had was her garden and fountain and her loyal friend Rajah, with whom she spent most of her time.  She had all these rules as to what she could and could not do then she had to get married, had to pick a husband, and she had to wait for the princes to come and propose to her, she could not go out and meet them.

So what did she do one day? She escapes in hopes of seeing the world on her own and learning about it, more than what books can tell you because nothing beats experience, so in her first encounter she ends up getting into trouble because she grabs an apple and gives her to a little boy, she was never taught that in the outside world things were not just given like in her palace, in the real world there was an exchange of money for goods or services, and she gets into trouble.  Then Aladdin comes into the picture, the free spirited guy, the one that is street smart and does whatever he wants because well he does not live in a palace, but he wants to, he wants to live there because there is security there, there is no need to steal to survive, or work hard in order to get a small piece of bread at the end of the day.

Aladdin rescues Jasmine from getting her hands cut because she stole the apple and they manage to escape, neither knowing who the other one is, two people from opposite worlds and they fall in love... of course right? that's how every Disney movie plays out, but see for me this is the perfect love story, Jasmine who is a princess that knows nothing about the world falls for Aladdin, a street rat as they call him that knows probably a little too much, and so when he becomes a prince and he takes her for a magic carpet ride he promises to show her the world, that world she has not seen because she has been confined to a palace all her life and that's why she loves him so much, because there in front of her is a person that can show her all that she had been missing out, someone she can learn from and that can help her grow as a person, because with him she could actually experience things she has not experience before. And in turn he was someone she could teach about her world, a world he was going to eventually be introduced, and that he falsely thought was better than his. 

And see that's why that movie is my favorite one, because as I grew older I realized how much I did not know about the world even though I always thought I did, with my ex-husband I learned that the only drugs people get addicted to are not just cocaine and heroine, but there is also meth, and prescription drugs and over the counter drugs that people use to get high, and there are different ways they take the drugs and I learned that a drug addict is only dangerous not when they are high but when that high starts to go away and they are unable to find anything to get to that point again, all of this is something my father did not know either and even now he does not really pay attention to it, or has the desire to learn more about something that is so controversial and that now a days every parent should know so that they can truly explain it to their kids rather than say it is a forbidden thing which usually ends up making them want to do it even more... 

With music, my little sister was the one that would introduce me to new kinds of music, she had more freedom as to what she listened to, in between her friends at school and going back and forth with her mother and my father's attempt to actually build a bond with her so he would be introduced to her music too, that's all I ever really was exposed to, so yeah now a days I have learned a lot more about it than I used to, still don't really pay attention to who sings the song or who wrote it, but I focus more on taking it all in and actually taking in the melody as well as the lyrics and see what I actually like and what I am in the mood for...

And as far as having a prince, well... what can I say, as a little girl and even now as an adult when I daydream and romanticize about things that will never happen but that make me smile, I realize I don't really want a prince, I want a diamond in the rough, someone that knows a lot about the world, especially about things I don't know about, because then we could learn from each other and grow together, find a balance, like Aladdin and Jasmine did. 

Ohh a girl can only dream... right?? :) 

How I found me again....

It's funny how sometimes we never think that we will ever feel like we don't know ourselves anymore, we get depressed and unhappy, we lose that joy we used to have and if we cannot find that "light" we naturally have we then feel lost.
I felt like that for quite sometime, in between all the stress from work, finances, new schedules, new adventures and having new people around, it is amazing how all of it combined can become so darn overwhelming that you just don't know where to go and sometimes don't even know what to do, I even got to the point where I was starting to feel lonely, I had forgotten what that word was, the last time I felt like that was when I was living with my husband and it wasn't until I left him that I did not feel whole again, I never understood that, I mean how do you feel so alone when you have someone by your side?
This past weekend I realized why, it was not such a bad thing and it was not a great realization either but it helped find myself again... So here is what I have realized....
In the past few weeks I have probably been surrounded by an extreme amount of people that have offered in one way or another to help out whenever I need, my usual self would just never even take a second look at those offers, I would just always not expect anything from anyone but myself because in the end you can't really control what other people do but you sure as hell can control what you do, so why ever put any expectation that one person or a group of people would ever do anything for you, why expect them to be there at all??? whether it is for them to be there for moral support or because you actually need them to help you out with something?
Well a few months ago I decided maybe I should expect a little more from people, maybe I should have a little faith in them I mean all cannot be bad right? Maybe one of them will really truly come through for me so I decided that I was gonna give them all a chance... well I guess in my head, my brain was not set to also just not get disappointed when they did not come through because in reality they owed me nothing, they did not have to offer any help and they did not have to help me out at all, but I guess the fact that I figured maybe it was gonna be different brought me more disappointment than I thought I would have ever gotten...
And that's when it started, that was the beginning of me becoming completely and absolutely lost, depressed and the beginning of me feeling like I was never going to find my light again....
I hated feeling like that, mostly because I know negativity is contagious and now I had all these different people around me and I really did not want them to end up in the same rut I was in.  A lot of time was spent thinking what the heck happen, where did I go wrong and what did I do to feel this way? Then a lot of things started piling up: bills, personal issues and finally what always ends up happening when you are being negative and end up stressing out: I got sick!!!
The tiredness, the sleepless nights, the stress, all of it added up to horrible migraines that lasted weeks!!!! It's amazing how much your body is affected by stress, it can literally kill you!
It was not until the end of week number four of terrible migraines that I realized what had happened, that was when I was so darn dizzy, throwing up every time I got up, I could barely walk from the pain and even the pain killers did absolutely nothing but seemed to make the migraine worse... That third day of this I was laying in bed, crying from the pain because it was extreme, I mean the pain was so bad that I would have rather thrown myself off a balcony than keep feeling it, I called those that had once offered help, I knew then I needed it, I really needed help, I had reached my limit, I could not stand the pain and everything I had tried has not worked, I needed to go to the hospital and someone needed to take me because I could barely walk and I did not think I would have survived a bus ride.
So that's when I started calling people, I could not stand the light of my phone at all, that's how bad it was, but everyone was either busy or did not answer... I cried some more, this time because that lonely feeling filled me up, my daughter was not with me, and I felt like there was no one around that would force me to be strong for, it is amazing how your kids feed you so much power, so much strength! So I kept crying and in my crying I asked God, the universe, the Spirit, whatever it is that you might call it, I asked why I felt this way, I asked why was I so alone? I asked why everyone was not around when I really needed them??? And then the answer hit me! It was like I was hearing someone loud and clear telling me: What do you mean you are so alone? You have always been on your own, never have you needed anyone and the times you have needed someone you have gotten someone there... That's when I called 911 and asked for help, one of the scariest things I have had to do because I feel like even though it was an emergency there should have been another way for me to get there, but there really wasn't so it was my last resort.  I got to the hospital and the doctor thought it could be something more serious than a migraine so they did a CAT scan and a lumbar puncture, that last one hurt so much, they pretty much put me to sleep when  I got there but for the lumbar puncture I had to be awake and all I gotta say is: THAT HURT!!! and while I was sitting there having a needle inserted in my back, I thought once again how nice it would be for me to have someone I loved and that cared about me there holding my hand making me feel safe, and how much I probably needed that at that moment, but then it hit me again!!! This is was not the first time you have gone through something like this and it is not gonna be the last time even though I secretly hope that it is, I really hope that I don't get a migraine that is that bad again, but hell if I do, I know I can take care of it myself!
I was alone and once again I felt lonely and I started missing those who had really been there for me before and who had actually kept their word when it came to that, and then I realized how the times I really needed someone there was always someone there, so this time maybe I did not need anyone and that was ok, it was ok because it reminded me of how strong I can be, how even when I am scared to death I somehow find it within me to keep going, how I always figured things out on my own, even without my daughter because one day she will leave and will have her own life and that's ok, that is how things are supposed to be, we are born alone and we die alone and any company we are ever able to get it's just supposed to be added joy.
The next day, even though my back was still hurting but I was glad it was just a really bad migraine, I found my light once again, that light I had lost when I put my faith in other people and not myself, that light that had been slowly turned off by every disappointment I have had in the past few months, and each one of them is no one's fault except mine... Yes, my fault for expecting more from people, rather than continue to not expect much and just be extremely delighted and surprised if they actually did anything, my fault for forgetting that the only person that has the power and that can make a true difference in my own life is me and no one else, my fault for allowing others to make me feel this way because in the end you are in charge of how you feel and while you are allowed to feel angry, sad, depressed, etc, you have the power to not allow it to consume you to the point of making you so sick...
Yes, I still have a ton of things to figure out, I still have a lot of things to get used to, yes there is still a lot of things that will cause stress in my life, but there is one thing I know for sure: I don't need anyone to help me out, I wanted people around but I learned that is not always possible, and while this is sort of a sad realization because some will say how sad it is that you have lost your faith in others, I say yeah it is sad and probably if they all knew that I am not expecting anything from them anymore, that I really don't expect them to ever come through for me, and I really don't think they care that much and if they do well that's great, maybe they would be disappointed in me but you know what? That's ok, because that would be their own feelings to deal with, they would not be mine.
In the meantime I will continue to be the person I know I am, the one that can pull through anything that is thrown at her and that will always be there for everyone not just promising that I will be there for those that I love, but actually being there when they want me there, because I know that the times they need me around I know for sure I will be there, that's the kind of person I am, and I truly hope I don't ever forget it again, life always puts you in certain situations not to make you stronger but to remind you of how strong you really are and now I can start working on climbing out of the hole I had fallen into and I can't wait to get completely out of it one step at the time!!! :)

So there she was now at her father's house, she felt like there was a big weight lifted off her, finally she was out of that place and could start over.  To her this was a sign that she was getting a second chance, this time no mistakes would be made, no rushing into something just because it was something she wanted, no telling what she wanted until she found out what the other person wanted, this way she would make sure that the other person wouldn't try to become what she wanted but would learn to be themselves and then she could feel like she truly knew them.
She reconnected with old friends, for six months or so her life was total hell, her husband was making sure of it.  She prayed and prayed to the universe, she begged for that one deal that she had made to come true, that if he was not going to be the best father for her child then he would be taken away and he would not bother her anymore, but why was it that it was not happening, why this man was still around causing hurt and pain? She decided to fight back, but that took her no where, it was more like giving him something to fight about and the more she fought the more power he would get.  Could it be possible that this man was getting more energy from her fighting him back?
One day as she just could not take it anymore she decided it was time to stop this was not something she would win, it was just something that needed to run its course so it did and eventually he was gone.
Trouble at the house she was in started, her father always trying to give his opinion on how to raise her child, her stepmother did the same and one day a fight broke off; by this time she had learned that she should not fight back, that she should just stay quiet and listen, and if things were bad she could always walk away and say I just need a moment for myself.  Unfortunately her father never cared about anyone else, how they felt or how they had learned to handle a confrontation and anger, all he knew was how to yell, insult and finally hit when neither of the first two worked to get a reaction.  That day her father's words were: If you think you have it bad, I am your worst nightmare.
How could a father say that to his own kid, no matter how mad they are and after they have hit them to the point of making her dizzy and a bit disoriented.  She was puzzled, confused and emotionless.  Her cousin came to take her to her house, it was time to leave dad's house, it was not safe anymore.  All her things were packed and off they went, a new beginning once again life changed her plans, no longer would she stay at her father's house and finish school and possibly find that one guy that would actually love her for her and not just a guy that wanted to rescue her.  A guy that could talk to her for hours and that would help her make sense of her craziness.  A guy that was respectful and loyal, one that not only loved her but that would love her child as his own, because she knew that she had picked the wrong dad for her baby girl, and in the end a dad is not the one whose DNA is running through your veins but the one that raises you and cares for you.  The baby was still a baby and there was time, there was time to meet someone and have that family she always wanted, or maybe, she thought, this was the chance to be with MD, he had contacted her and every few months they would chat, but there was a lot going on and she felt that he was just allowing her to figure it all out.  But maybe all of that was her daydreaming of the man she thought to be perfect for her, it was amazing how that thought kept her going, he never realized how important he turned out to be in her life.
After a couple of months she accepted an offer from MR's mother, she offered to help her with an apt and help her with the baby so she could work, so in an attempt to find a better place for her and her child she decided to go for it, why not? nothing ventured, nothing gained right? Probably one of the worst decisions she made once again, but can you blame her for wanting something better for her and her child?

And so it was that she decided it was time to move on, she enjoyed the few times she was with him and so long as she had those memories nothing else really mattered, so she went on with her life...
As she decides to move on, her wonderful ex boyfriend, that boy that she felt completely safe with, the one that she allowed to hold her when she cried and the last one with whom she allowed herself to feel vulnerable and free, that boy had become her friend but it was time for him to leave for months, somewhere she could not reach him anymore, not for months anyway.
During the three months he was away she met this other guy, MR (something about those Ms huh?), he came in telling her all she wanted to hear, he learned about everything she ever wanted, and so at some point he made sure to offer it, he made sure to mirror her every desire and while she knew he was lying because something always told her that he could not be trusted, she decided to just go with it.  Why? you ask, well her answer was why not? here is a man that is willing and apparently was able to give her that which was what she wanted: a home, a family, kids, a partner and a friend that she could always count on, so  why not? why not just go with it, the love would come after and who cared about trusting him, trust was not gained in one day or two, it was gained over time and so it would take time for him to earn it but even though the thoughts were that she should just run the other way she decided that she was going to ignore them because ignoring them meant she would get what she wanted right then and there, she did not want to wait any longer.
So she decided to marry him, months into the marriage she was miserable, as miserable as one should expect to be when you are with someone you don't love and that you really don't know.  That's when she learned the first important lesson of her life: people can say or type whatever they want, they can tell you how much they love you, they can tell you how much inspiration you bring to them, they can say how much you make them want to become a better person, but showing all of that... that's the difficult part.
Showing how much you care about someone, becoming a better person than you were yesterday, showing how much you love someone, that's the hardest part for people to do especially when it's all not real, when all of it is a lie.  Sure at the beginning of everything all is exciting, all is fun, and all is perfect, but soon enough the true colors show, it's just a matter of time before people become comfortable enough with each other and start thinking that now the other person depends on the other's company, and that's when the little quirks, the little annoyances come out, and when they do the fights start.  The wrongful thought that you will always be there for the other one just because you have gotten accustomed to their company, because at that point even their little and big annoyances could eventually be disregarded and then you could just live life without any arguments, that is the thought that ends up making people miserable.  There comes a day when you realize that there are certain things that you just can't overlook, that there are certain things that you want to change about the other person, and then you get another fun idea: what if I could change them? they love me enough, or what if I could give up all that I ever wanted for them because I love them enough... The worst thing a person could say to themselves is that they can change another person, if you cannot accept the person you are with with all their faults, all their quirks, all their annoyances, if you can't overlook that, don't think you can change them, and don't try to change them; they deserve to be with someone that accepts them for who they are, the way they are that laughs at their annoyances, that think "this is the most annoying thing they can do but even though I would mind it if someone else did it, I don't mind it when he/she does it."
Lesson learned, and then she was ready to pack up and leave, and so it was that she was to save money within a couple of months and then she would pack up all her things and move on, but then she got sick and ended up in the hospital, only to find out that her sickness was not really her being sick it was what normally happened during the first trimester of pregnancy, what to do now? That's when she thought she was getting one of her wishes, she was going to have her baby.  Immediately she knew it would be a girl, but how would it work? having a kid with a guy she was constantly arguing with, a guy she did not love.
She asked God, the universe, the Spirit as she calls it, to make it so that if this guy was going to be a great father for her child that her heart would open up and she would start loving him like anyone deserves to be loved and she would accept him how he was, but if that man was going to turn out to be a bad father for her child then that guy would go away, he would walk away just in time for her child to never have known him so that her child would never suffer.
When she was 5 months pregnant she realized this guy that she married was a drug addict, he said he would change, he said that he was going to be better, he said he wanted to leave that habit, that it was not as bad so it would be easy to leave behind, so as a good wife she stuck it out, she believed him this time.  She believed that he really wanted to change, but then she realized how easy it was for people to fake change, to make believe they were someone that they really weren't and how the more questions she asked the more they were reminded that they had something to hide so the more they would hide it.
Months passed and everything seemed to be going fine, the baby was born and once she stopped working again, things started to turn south, MR had not stop taking drugs and slowly but surely things were being lost, small appliances in the house, her car, their apartment.  When the baby was almost 9 months old, she found herself living with her husband in a room that they rented from someone else, having to wait for days just so that he would actually buy enough food for her to eat, then the money would be gone again and days passed before they could eat properly again.  All of that though to her was the very small of what was not working in the relationship, the main thing was that she was not in love, she had learned to care a little bit for him and maybe even loved him in a way, let's face it thanks to him she had her first baby, so she could not hate him but she was not madly in love with him either, and as the days progressed and things kept getting worse and worse she started to wonder more and more, that feeling of distrust came back to her, and the unhappiness filled her life.
For weeks she tried to figure out how to leave, it was time, she found out how much more money her husband was truly spending on drugs and at that point she realized that he did not really loved her either, it was all a scam but not one that surprised her.  All those times when he said to her how much he could accomplish with her by his side, how much inspiration she gave him, how much joy she brought him, how he would be patient because he understood her, all lies.  Anyhow, once she found out how much bigger the drug problem was, she planned out her "escape", and I say escape because by then she felt like a prisoner, she had no phone, no car, no money, but the hope she had that there was something better waiting for her if she could only leave that's what gave her the courage to finally pack her bags and go.  She really had no one to turn to except for her daddy, so she called him and he came, something she did not expect but that in a way happened just because she was truly in need.

Where were we?
Ahh yes, so she left that one boy, the one that held her while she cried but that decided at some point to grow apart from her, so what now? She had met another one, the one that gave her butterflies in her stomach, something she had never really felt before, something she thought could never happen, maybe this time we shall give that boy a name, let's call him MD.
She met him at her new job, they did not really work together but the circumstances somehow always ended up making both of them a pair, this was during the time she still had her innocence, the time when she thought everyone was good, that no one had bad intentions.  The time when she thought everyone wanted to be a true friend and this new boy, he was something, he caught her eye, he made her smile just because he existed.
MD was someone she could not possibly ever explain, how could she? How do you explain to the world that you just met someone and you felt that you have known them for your entire life, that you know how they would react, how they would respond to certain things, it was impossible without ever having one talk with said person.
But there was something there, she knew, there was something more there, and it felt like he felt the same way.  One day he hugged her and she had never felt safer than when he held her, he was her big knight, the one that came to rescue her and just take her away, the one that would see her as a partner and that would think that with her by his side he could be the best of everything and she would have that drive to become the best she has ever been, because with him next to her any work, any struggle would be all worth it.
Weeks passed and finally she stopped working there, that night her old boyfriend had come to be with her, she was down and she did not know what she would do, she had just lost her job and the reasons behind it were some that she could not understand, because to her everyone was still good, so why would all of it had happened??? The truth was that there are bad people in the world and this was a lesson she had learned in a very tough way.
Anyhow, that same night MD called her and asked her to hang out for the very first time, ohh what a joyous call, she got up, got dressed and left, he was drunk but she did not care, it was her chance to spend time with him so she did.  When she got to his house he was wearing this fabulous slippers, very similar to the ones she had in the trunk of her car and playing Guitar Hero, she thought to herself that this man was more fun than she ever thought.
He looked at her that night and he had the biggest smile, his eyes seemed to showed that this was it, that he had it all right there because she was there, he did not need anything more, now that she goes back to it she realizes it was probably the buzz from him drinking that gave him that look.  They talked for hours that night, ended up kissing gently, the best kisses she has ever had, and she fell asleep on his arms, she was in heaven, the conversations they had, from making plans from being together, the best part of it all was when he used the words we and put it together with will work.  A true partner she thought! But how naive of her to believe in drunken words.
The sun came up and every time she would move he would hold her tighter, like he was afraid of letting her go, what a wonderful feeling to have someone that wouldn't want you to leave that is happy you are there, someone in whose arms you fit perfectly and because you fit perfectly you were always comfortable.  What a wonderful and grand night that was, but just like everything it came to an end, the next day once he got up he made believe like nothing happened, walked her to her car and said bye, so she left and did not hear from him for a few months.
After a couple of months a call comes in, almost 2am, and it's him!!! What a wonderful surprise maybe after all he did want her, but he was drunk again, what did it mean? The last time that happened nothing more than kissing and talking had happened so was it really what people said that alcohol is liquid courage and he was just saying what he was unable to say when he was sober? The first night he did this and she was at his house she saw a self help book, she always thought that maybe he was a real introvert and very shy, maybe that's why he called only when he was drunk.  Once again, how naive of her!!!
She drove to meet him because he was an hour away from where she was and she could not let him drive that whole way while he was drunk, because if something were to happen to him, she could never forgive herself.  She drove and met him, then she followed behind him until they got to her place, a hotel room in a hotel that was right next to the place where they both used to work at.  He parked his car and once he got off the car and saw her he gave her the biggest hug of all, one of those hugs that makes you feel wanted, missed and pretty much tell you that other person does not ever want to let you go, a hugged that can only be described as a hug of love.
That was another night of talk, another night of them making plans, most of which came from him, but that fell through, because the next morning he picked up and left, just sneaked out the door.  She called him and until now she does not remember what he said but he was very cold and distant, she did not hear from him for another two months.
A couple of months went by and she had changed rooms at the hotel she was living at, now she was facing the place where they used to work together, one day she looked out the window and saw him standing right in front of where her car was parked.  He was talking to a customer when she decided to press the panic button of her car keys, the alarm went off and the boy was looking all over and seemed to have gotten completely distracted, she was looking at him and suddenly she sees him look up, she was by her window and decided to duck down and hide, she laughed.  What a wonderful little game she had played that day, she knew he would call her that night, and so he did, it was past midnight and her phone rang, it was him and he asked her if she was still in the same city, then asked her if about the car that had an alarm go off earlier that day, he wanted to know if it was hers.  She smiled, she was just a kid then and most times she did not know how to respond to anything but after that one conversation she decided it was time to move on, she was talking to a guy that only seemed to want to talk to her when he was drunk and then if they saw each other nothing really ever happened and so she always wondered what he really wanted and what was holding him back.

Then one day, she was just 19 years old, and a handsome man caught her eye.  Took them a few weeks to realize how much they both liked each other, cute game they played, she would go to the coffee shop where he worked and would ask for a hot chocolate, this man had that look in his face that she always looked for.  After 2 weeks of playing that flirting game we all play when we like someone but we are not sure, he came over to the store she worked at; she thought he was the cutest boy she had ever met, tall, blue eyes that sometimes looked gray, and this contagious smile.
She was expecting to just exchange a conversation and maybe exchange numbers, what she never expected was to end up going on a date that same night, a date she was never asked to go out on because that boy never asked her out, all that boy did was ask: "at what time do you get off?" to which she answered: "at 9 pm, why" and the boy replied: "I just wanted to know at what time I needed to pick you up so we can go to dinner and a movie, I will see you at 9." And he left.
Later that day she realized how smooth that boy was and she rather liked it, that night she got off work and he was waiting for her outside the store, ready to take her with him. They immediately clicked even though at first the boy thought this was just something that would last a couple of months because his future plans, which he had before he met her, did not include her.  One day she invited him to go on a trip with her but he said it was too early to take any trips together, especially since he knew he would be leaving soon, but something told her that he would be around for a long time so she just smiled and nodded.  She understood him and she did not know why, but the communication they both had with each other, it was something she never thought could happen, now she only remembers very few times when they actually fought but even in a disagreement they would not really argue they would talk, they were able to talk even when they were mad at each other.
Maybe this was it, maybe being alone was not something that was for her, she thought.  There was a guy she met, whom at some point seemed to be able to read her thoughts and she was able to read his.  The connection formed was like no other, if he was in pain she felt it and if she was in pain he felt it.  They both wanted the same things in life, each one of them wanted the other to succeed at getting their heart's desire, life was just starting for these two fools, and she knew it.  A year went by and he never left, he was still around, and they both decided to move in together.  All the different places they wanted to go to, and they both agreed that they wanted to be by the mountains, that is where they wanted to be, their final destination was the mountains.
So the day came to go, her father was extremely angry at what she was doing because how dare she pick up her stuff and moves out of his house without planning it out with him first, to her father she would never see her baby brother that was due in 6 months, and how dare she thought that this boy she was moving in with would stick around, because to him they were too young and it would all eventually fail, the boy would realize he was too young to make a commitment like that and he would pick up and leave and then she would end up alone in the world with no place to go.
Sadness and anger filled her heart, but that boy held her while she cried.  He comforted her by being there for her, by dropping everything he was doing and coming to get her, they packed up her car and left that night, the next day they went to his parents' house, just three hours away from where they left and when they got there, that little voice of hers told her that they should stay in that city, but she did not listen, it was just fear she thought and even the boy agreed, so they visited for a couple of days and then off they went.
Finally they got to their destination, new place, did not know the streets, very difficult to get around, very cold and nothing like they expected, they stayed for a couple of months and after figuring out that they wanted to be in a different city, one that was about 3 hours away from their original destination, they decided to go back to the city where his parents' lived, so they did and even though their original city did not work out and even though the one they really wanted to be in was one where they could find no jobs because it was such a small town, once they got back to the city his parents' lived in everything started to fit in.  All the puzzle pieces were completing the puzzle, the first two weeks no one knew that they were there, in a way she thought this was a way of keeping negative energy away from them, something that she believes works, because how was it that everything was fitting in absolute perfect manner now that everyone did not really know where they were at?  Until this day she uses that method, she won't tell anyone what she is doing, especially if it is something that she wants badly to happen or work out.
Another few months went by, the boy went back to school, she worked, she was always trying to find somewhere she could work and be happy, but the jobs came and went, maybe because what she always wanted to do was not what any of those jobs were offering her.  They struggled financially, and then at some point they stopped talking to each other like they used to.  That communication which is the basis for any good relationship was becoming null.  They could not tell each other what they felt like they used to, so the love they had for each other started to change, then she starts a new job, and she meets HIM, the one boy that has ever caught her attention in a way that no other has.  She wondered why, she was still faithful to her boyfriend, the partner she had for almost 2 years, the boy that held her and comforted her when she cried, but this other guy; this other guy had something that she could not take out of her mind.  Was it what everyone calls love at first sight? Nah, she immediately erased those thoughts in her head, they were illogical, you can't fall in love with someone you don't know, it was probably just an attraction.
Finally came the day when that one conversation was to be had, the one where you tell each other that you no longer feel the same way, the one where you tell each other that not communicating with each other like you used to has hurt more than anything in the world, because he did not trust her enough with his feelings and in turn created a situation that was almost impossible for her to live in.  Maybe she was over reacting, maybe she should stay but this time she listened to that little voice inside her that told her that it was time to go.  So she left. She never really stopped loving her boy, they remained distant friends, keeping close to their hearts the good times, at least she knows she has.  She knows she will always love him but it is what she calls pure love, true love, the one where you just want the other person to be happy, the one where you realize that you have learned everything you can from that person but they will always have a special place in your heart, and even if they decide to keep a distance, the door will always be open because you can never have too many friends, that's how she sees him now, as a really good friend.

She grew up idolizing her father, one that was not around but the few times he was, he was the best dad ever.  She always blamed the circumstances, the person her father had chosen as a second wife, the time it took to take care of a child, for that absence.  It was never her father's fault that he was not around, she also always wanted to be with her grandmother and because of this she thought maybe if I wanted to be with dad I would be with dad.
Dad was wonderful through those years, he was the guy that went out of his way to help others, he would buy toys for Christmas and give them away to kids that were living in the streets, he would buy food for the kids he saw in the streets in an attempt to make sure they ate and did not get their money stolen by their parents or spent on drugs.  Her dad was fun, he would play around with her and her sister, washing his car on a Sunday afternoon was the most fun, everyone would end up wet, watching cartoons in the weekend mornings she would go to her father's house and at some point putting music on and danced around the house while cleaning it.  There were few of those days but those days nonetheless were all she knew and all she thought her father was.
So that's why as she grew older all she ever dreamed of was to have a family, to find a guy that would fall completely in love with her, that would be proud of her, that would be kind and fun just like her dad was.  A guy that would have the drive to be successful in all aspects of life but that would not allow that success to get to his head, he would be someone that remained humble through it all. Someone that was truly happy and that enjoyed life just as much as she did.  This man would be someone that would treat her as an equal and would at the same time feel he was the luckiest man on earth because he had her with him.  They would work hard together and help each other reach their goals, she knew there would be tough times but they both would go through them together and rise above them, because they would work as a team to get ahead.
The man she would meet would also be so in love with her and she would be so in love with him that neither of them would ever have any doubts as to the choices they ever made in life, because they would know that all those choices is what brought them together so even if at the moment they seemed like the wrong choice, they all turned out to be the right one.  One day she thought, and that day she would also have her daddy around, and he would also be so proud of her because she would have not only found happiness on her own but also found someone to share it with and someone that knew how much she was worth.
Then there came the day when finally came the choice to live with dad full time, she thought it was time for dad to take over for grandma, it was time he got the chance to become responsible.  Then she came to know a different person, one that resolved everything with punches and insults, one that wanted to show off to the world everything he had and even try to show off the things he did not have.  A man that was not humble at all, nor was he happy, he was unhappy and he wanted to make sure everyone else was, someone that had no respect for what others wanted, but only had respect for what he wanted and only if the others would do what he wanted was it that he would respect what they wanted to do.
She got to meet a man that had no problem telling her that the biggest mistake he ever made was to get her mother pregnant, without realizing what those words meant.  A man that would make excuses to hit his wife, and even more excuses to hit his kids, kids that were old enough to understand if only they were free to talk to each other, if both parts waited for the anger to settle and then both also realized that they needed to open their minds and listen to the other.
There went her dreams of a family, of a man that was just like dad because now she really knew who dad was, and if after all those years, even though she realized that she never really spent a lot of time with dad to realize what his flaws were, how easy would it be for her to be deceived into thinking that one man could be all she ever wanted and then for that man to turned out to be something totally different? What about now knowing who dad really was and wishing for someone like him, then she would get someone that was just like him?
This is when she realized that all those dreams should remain just being dreams, and the best and safest thing to do was to be alone.

Losing strength

I guess it's true that tears are just words waiting to be written... 

Every night for the past few weeks I've been crying myself to sleep, I have no idea why I feel so down, but I'm to the point where I'm mentally and physically exhausted.

I used to always say that life is complicated because we humans make it complicated, lately though I've been thinking that maybe it is truly complicated.

My mind has been torn into two, ugh what am I talking about! It's actually been torn into three parts: the logical, the instinctual and one that was never there before: the emotional.  Cool it would be if only two where battling against each other like it usually happens, the logical part of my brain would tell me to not spend more money than I should because then it would be more difficult to pay bills while the instinctual part would be saying don't worry because in the end it will all work out for the best and follow your gut, do you think this is ok? If so, then go for it!

Now I got one more, the emotional one, the one full of fear of everything, full of doubt, full of impatience. And unfortunately for me that one is winning! So what do I do? How do I get back to getting rid of that one last part that does not belong?

It used to be that I could make myself switch that off, I could just say hey! You need to stop, emotions are just chemicals released in the brain and the only emotion I want to feel is happiness so anything else please move on, but now I can't find my happy place, I feel completely useless and an utter failure.

But have I really failed? How do we all know when we are failing at life? How do we not know that maybe the path we thought was the wrong one was actually the one that we were supposed to take anyway, that we did not failed but just learned a lesson? 

Many times I have felt extremely happy on my own, don't get me wrong I enjoy being around people but I enjoy my solitude just as much or even more. But now I feel like I'm missing something, maybe I am channeling someone else's feelings maybe the fact that I'm just extremely exhausted has allowed that emotional side to completely take over and make my life a living hell!

Lately I feel like I can't love people the way I used to, it saddens me really because I know that those I love deserve all the good positive thoughts I have always had available and now I have none, it's like I've ran out...

Then there is him, maybe is him that is making me this way, maybe having a closer friendship with someone was not such a great idea after all, but now I love him, purely, all I want is for him to be happy and I know I can't make him happy, right now even if I tried, I could not make anyone happy, I need to make myself happy, he needs to make himself happy and in the end we might just end up being the best friends ever that have a trust and respect and a pure love for each other that no one else would be able to take away or maybe one day, maybe real soon he will get bored and leave and then come back to say hi every once in a while like all the rest, no girlfriend so let's call her, see how she is doing, I love her but I am to not be in her life, that's what they all tell themselves or maybe the love I thought they had was just part of my imagination... Who knows!!!

So is it life really complicated? Is it truly hard? Do we know really what we are doing? Do we know for sure whether we have real love for another? Do we really know that we truly love someone and that they love us? Do we ever get to find out whether or not we are on the right path? Is the path we think as the wrong path maybe truly the correct path? How do we know whether we have failed or not? Do we really fail if we learn a lesson after the said mistake? 

My brain can't take it anymore, all I ask is for a little strength to get up and find my light again... I feel like I've lost it somewhere and I don't know where to find it, nor do I know where to start looking for it... Just a little strength to find my light again, that's all I ask for... Just a little to keep me  going because I feel like I can't go on anymore...