Then one day, she was just 19 years old, and a handsome man caught her eye.  Took them a few weeks to realize how much they both liked each other, cute game they played, she would go to the coffee shop where he worked and would ask for a hot chocolate, this man had that look in his face that she always looked for.  After 2 weeks of playing that flirting game we all play when we like someone but we are not sure, he came over to the store she worked at; she thought he was the cutest boy she had ever met, tall, blue eyes that sometimes looked gray, and this contagious smile.
She was expecting to just exchange a conversation and maybe exchange numbers, what she never expected was to end up going on a date that same night, a date she was never asked to go out on because that boy never asked her out, all that boy did was ask: "at what time do you get off?" to which she answered: "at 9 pm, why" and the boy replied: "I just wanted to know at what time I needed to pick you up so we can go to dinner and a movie, I will see you at 9." And he left.
Later that day she realized how smooth that boy was and she rather liked it, that night she got off work and he was waiting for her outside the store, ready to take her with him. They immediately clicked even though at first the boy thought this was just something that would last a couple of months because his future plans, which he had before he met her, did not include her.  One day she invited him to go on a trip with her but he said it was too early to take any trips together, especially since he knew he would be leaving soon, but something told her that he would be around for a long time so she just smiled and nodded.  She understood him and she did not know why, but the communication they both had with each other, it was something she never thought could happen, now she only remembers very few times when they actually fought but even in a disagreement they would not really argue they would talk, they were able to talk even when they were mad at each other.
Maybe this was it, maybe being alone was not something that was for her, she thought.  There was a guy she met, whom at some point seemed to be able to read her thoughts and she was able to read his.  The connection formed was like no other, if he was in pain she felt it and if she was in pain he felt it.  They both wanted the same things in life, each one of them wanted the other to succeed at getting their heart's desire, life was just starting for these two fools, and she knew it.  A year went by and he never left, he was still around, and they both decided to move in together.  All the different places they wanted to go to, and they both agreed that they wanted to be by the mountains, that is where they wanted to be, their final destination was the mountains.
So the day came to go, her father was extremely angry at what she was doing because how dare she pick up her stuff and moves out of his house without planning it out with him first, to her father she would never see her baby brother that was due in 6 months, and how dare she thought that this boy she was moving in with would stick around, because to him they were too young and it would all eventually fail, the boy would realize he was too young to make a commitment like that and he would pick up and leave and then she would end up alone in the world with no place to go.
Sadness and anger filled her heart, but that boy held her while she cried.  He comforted her by being there for her, by dropping everything he was doing and coming to get her, they packed up her car and left that night, the next day they went to his parents' house, just three hours away from where they left and when they got there, that little voice of hers told her that they should stay in that city, but she did not listen, it was just fear she thought and even the boy agreed, so they visited for a couple of days and then off they went.
Finally they got to their destination, new place, did not know the streets, very difficult to get around, very cold and nothing like they expected, they stayed for a couple of months and after figuring out that they wanted to be in a different city, one that was about 3 hours away from their original destination, they decided to go back to the city where his parents' lived, so they did and even though their original city did not work out and even though the one they really wanted to be in was one where they could find no jobs because it was such a small town, once they got back to the city his parents' lived in everything started to fit in.  All the puzzle pieces were completing the puzzle, the first two weeks no one knew that they were there, in a way she thought this was a way of keeping negative energy away from them, something that she believes works, because how was it that everything was fitting in absolute perfect manner now that everyone did not really know where they were at?  Until this day she uses that method, she won't tell anyone what she is doing, especially if it is something that she wants badly to happen or work out.
Another few months went by, the boy went back to school, she worked, she was always trying to find somewhere she could work and be happy, but the jobs came and went, maybe because what she always wanted to do was not what any of those jobs were offering her.  They struggled financially, and then at some point they stopped talking to each other like they used to.  That communication which is the basis for any good relationship was becoming null.  They could not tell each other what they felt like they used to, so the love they had for each other started to change, then she starts a new job, and she meets HIM, the one boy that has ever caught her attention in a way that no other has.  She wondered why, she was still faithful to her boyfriend, the partner she had for almost 2 years, the boy that held her and comforted her when she cried, but this other guy; this other guy had something that she could not take out of her mind.  Was it what everyone calls love at first sight? Nah, she immediately erased those thoughts in her head, they were illogical, you can't fall in love with someone you don't know, it was probably just an attraction.
Finally came the day when that one conversation was to be had, the one where you tell each other that you no longer feel the same way, the one where you tell each other that not communicating with each other like you used to has hurt more than anything in the world, because he did not trust her enough with his feelings and in turn created a situation that was almost impossible for her to live in.  Maybe she was over reacting, maybe she should stay but this time she listened to that little voice inside her that told her that it was time to go.  So she left. She never really stopped loving her boy, they remained distant friends, keeping close to their hearts the good times, at least she knows she has.  She knows she will always love him but it is what she calls pure love, true love, the one where you just want the other person to be happy, the one where you realize that you have learned everything you can from that person but they will always have a special place in your heart, and even if they decide to keep a distance, the door will always be open because you can never have too many friends, that's how she sees him now, as a really good friend.

She grew up idolizing her father, one that was not around but the few times he was, he was the best dad ever.  She always blamed the circumstances, the person her father had chosen as a second wife, the time it took to take care of a child, for that absence.  It was never her father's fault that he was not around, she also always wanted to be with her grandmother and because of this she thought maybe if I wanted to be with dad I would be with dad.
Dad was wonderful through those years, he was the guy that went out of his way to help others, he would buy toys for Christmas and give them away to kids that were living in the streets, he would buy food for the kids he saw in the streets in an attempt to make sure they ate and did not get their money stolen by their parents or spent on drugs.  Her dad was fun, he would play around with her and her sister, washing his car on a Sunday afternoon was the most fun, everyone would end up wet, watching cartoons in the weekend mornings she would go to her father's house and at some point putting music on and danced around the house while cleaning it.  There were few of those days but those days nonetheless were all she knew and all she thought her father was.
So that's why as she grew older all she ever dreamed of was to have a family, to find a guy that would fall completely in love with her, that would be proud of her, that would be kind and fun just like her dad was.  A guy that would have the drive to be successful in all aspects of life but that would not allow that success to get to his head, he would be someone that remained humble through it all. Someone that was truly happy and that enjoyed life just as much as she did.  This man would be someone that would treat her as an equal and would at the same time feel he was the luckiest man on earth because he had her with him.  They would work hard together and help each other reach their goals, she knew there would be tough times but they both would go through them together and rise above them, because they would work as a team to get ahead.
The man she would meet would also be so in love with her and she would be so in love with him that neither of them would ever have any doubts as to the choices they ever made in life, because they would know that all those choices is what brought them together so even if at the moment they seemed like the wrong choice, they all turned out to be the right one.  One day she thought, and that day she would also have her daddy around, and he would also be so proud of her because she would have not only found happiness on her own but also found someone to share it with and someone that knew how much she was worth.
Then there came the day when finally came the choice to live with dad full time, she thought it was time for dad to take over for grandma, it was time he got the chance to become responsible.  Then she came to know a different person, one that resolved everything with punches and insults, one that wanted to show off to the world everything he had and even try to show off the things he did not have.  A man that was not humble at all, nor was he happy, he was unhappy and he wanted to make sure everyone else was, someone that had no respect for what others wanted, but only had respect for what he wanted and only if the others would do what he wanted was it that he would respect what they wanted to do.
She got to meet a man that had no problem telling her that the biggest mistake he ever made was to get her mother pregnant, without realizing what those words meant.  A man that would make excuses to hit his wife, and even more excuses to hit his kids, kids that were old enough to understand if only they were free to talk to each other, if both parts waited for the anger to settle and then both also realized that they needed to open their minds and listen to the other.
There went her dreams of a family, of a man that was just like dad because now she really knew who dad was, and if after all those years, even though she realized that she never really spent a lot of time with dad to realize what his flaws were, how easy would it be for her to be deceived into thinking that one man could be all she ever wanted and then for that man to turned out to be something totally different? What about now knowing who dad really was and wishing for someone like him, then she would get someone that was just like him?
This is when she realized that all those dreams should remain just being dreams, and the best and safest thing to do was to be alone.

Losing strength

I guess it's true that tears are just words waiting to be written... 

Every night for the past few weeks I've been crying myself to sleep, I have no idea why I feel so down, but I'm to the point where I'm mentally and physically exhausted.

I used to always say that life is complicated because we humans make it complicated, lately though I've been thinking that maybe it is truly complicated.

My mind has been torn into two, ugh what am I talking about! It's actually been torn into three parts: the logical, the instinctual and one that was never there before: the emotional.  Cool it would be if only two where battling against each other like it usually happens, the logical part of my brain would tell me to not spend more money than I should because then it would be more difficult to pay bills while the instinctual part would be saying don't worry because in the end it will all work out for the best and follow your gut, do you think this is ok? If so, then go for it!

Now I got one more, the emotional one, the one full of fear of everything, full of doubt, full of impatience. And unfortunately for me that one is winning! So what do I do? How do I get back to getting rid of that one last part that does not belong?

It used to be that I could make myself switch that off, I could just say hey! You need to stop, emotions are just chemicals released in the brain and the only emotion I want to feel is happiness so anything else please move on, but now I can't find my happy place, I feel completely useless and an utter failure.

But have I really failed? How do we all know when we are failing at life? How do we not know that maybe the path we thought was the wrong one was actually the one that we were supposed to take anyway, that we did not failed but just learned a lesson? 

Many times I have felt extremely happy on my own, don't get me wrong I enjoy being around people but I enjoy my solitude just as much or even more. But now I feel like I'm missing something, maybe I am channeling someone else's feelings maybe the fact that I'm just extremely exhausted has allowed that emotional side to completely take over and make my life a living hell!

Lately I feel like I can't love people the way I used to, it saddens me really because I know that those I love deserve all the good positive thoughts I have always had available and now I have none, it's like I've ran out...

Then there is him, maybe is him that is making me this way, maybe having a closer friendship with someone was not such a great idea after all, but now I love him, purely, all I want is for him to be happy and I know I can't make him happy, right now even if I tried, I could not make anyone happy, I need to make myself happy, he needs to make himself happy and in the end we might just end up being the best friends ever that have a trust and respect and a pure love for each other that no one else would be able to take away or maybe one day, maybe real soon he will get bored and leave and then come back to say hi every once in a while like all the rest, no girlfriend so let's call her, see how she is doing, I love her but I am to not be in her life, that's what they all tell themselves or maybe the love I thought they had was just part of my imagination... Who knows!!!

So is it life really complicated? Is it truly hard? Do we know really what we are doing? Do we know for sure whether we have real love for another? Do we really know that we truly love someone and that they love us? Do we ever get to find out whether or not we are on the right path? Is the path we think as the wrong path maybe truly the correct path? How do we know whether we have failed or not? Do we really fail if we learn a lesson after the said mistake? 

My brain can't take it anymore, all I ask is for a little strength to get up and find my light again... I feel like I've lost it somewhere and I don't know where to find it, nor do I know where to start looking for it... Just a little strength to find my light again, that's all I ask for... Just a little to keep me  going because I feel like I can't go on anymore...

Missing you...

I don't know why I miss you, I keep saying this is completely illogical, I mean how can I miss someone that I hardly spend time with?

How can I miss you when I never really had you?

Maybe it is that I love you? But how can I love you if I barely know you

Maybe I know you more than I think I do, maybe all it took is one look at your true self to know who you are inside and maybe I liked who I saw.

Maybe it was when you started to be honest with yourself and then honest with me, honesty is what I have always appreciated the most.

Maybe it is just that I am tired and I want someone here and the first person to come to mind is you.

But why you? Why not someone else? Why are you the first one in my mind? 

Sometimes I wish things were different, that things would be easy and flow, I wish my life wasn't so hard so I could spend more time with you.

Then I realize how boring life would be if things were easy, how much more aware of disappointment I would be and maybe if I was so aware of disappointment then I would not be able to live or to be around others.

In life I learned to not expect anything from anyone, to give without the expectation of getting anything back, to love unconditionally and above all, to always smile no matter what.

I have to say that sometimes I'm tired of smiling, sometimes I just want to yell and say I'm done, I need a break or I will break, sometimes I just want to cry and I want you here, just holding me while I get back together and get back up, because my fits never last long, I know that life gives you what you can handle and that the bad is there to appreciate the good; and when I realize that again, I start smiling again and then I want you there to smile with me.

But I don't have you, one of the reasons is because I don't own you, and I wouldn't want to own you, I would want you to come to me because you wanted to not because I made you.

The greatest moment in life is when you have the one you want without owning them, you have them because they want you back, that's how I would want it for us, because then it would all flow, it would be easy, there would be trust and respect and that's what a good relationship always needs in order to work out.

I don't know why I miss you when I never really had you, or why I feel like I love you when I barely know you, maybe it is just me and it will pass, other feelings have passed too, in the meantime I wish you the best, I wish you are happy, I wish you have someone you can cry with when you need to (we all need to cry every once in a while and it is ok to cry), I wish you never forget that even in the darkest hour you can always find a reason to smile.

Never forget that there is always one person that will always be just a phone call away... 

It is what it is... Whatever that might be...

What do we really know? Do we really know the meaning of life? Do we really know what we are doing? Do we really know we are alive? What if all of this was just a dream, what if we were all sleeping someplace and this idea that we have of life is just a creation in our head?

If all of this was just a dream then what would reality be? Or since we believe this is our reality then this becomes our reality, no questions asked? Do we have a purpose? Is our life already written in such way that we really don't have much choice because no matter what we do we would all end up where we are meant to end up at?

What if our lives are not really written, and we are truly the ones that create our own destiny? Do we then have to look at every decision and wonder and worry about whether or not is the right one? How do we know what we are supposed to do? If human beings are owners of life, but we have the gift of making sure we sabotage our lives every chance we get then how is it that we are all still here? Could there really be someone guiding us? And if they are and we go the wrong way but they decide to guide us again are we really free then or are we bound by guidelines to follow?

What is faith? Faith is not rational, but why is it not rational? Why must we want to rationalize faith? If we rationalize it then is it really faith? Do we really believe in a higher power if we try to rationalize its existence that unfortunately cannot be truly proven? 

I am alive because I can think, but what if we could think while we were dead, what if there is another body within the one I believe to have? Then would we really be dead when we died? How do we know that all that we know is true and correct and not something that we have just gone along as a discovery because the majority of the minds in this plane of existence believe it to be that way? 

Experience some say, but how do we know this is the true experience and not just a dream and in my dream everyone is going along with it so that I believe is not a dream but a reality? 

So many questions, and not really a lot of answers, just that it is what it is...

I've got God in my mind

Dear God, I pray for guidance and patience, I know I am on the right path I know that you have always had a way of making sure I am on track to fulfill my dreams.
I know that my lack of patience sometimes has gotten in the way and has made me turn the wrong way but I know that you have always been there to make sure that I get back to the correct road. I know that the times I have made the wrong turn it has been difficult to get back to the road I must travel and is mostly because those times I decided to ignore the red lights and stop signs and I just kept going. I am now at the place where I know I am supposed to be, I still do not understand many things, I still don't quite grasp the reason for me to be here but I know there is one and I know I must wait for the answer; patience is a virtue that only you can teach.
So I guess for now I ask for the strength that I need to keep going without going crazy while waiting for everything to fit into place, I ask you for the strength needed to not surrender myself to the daily life and to the monotony of the people, I asked for the strength that it takes to quiet down and listen to you so that I can continue making the right turns.
I know that you only speak when you need to and you give direction when the time is right, but I need to hear you now, I need to know now where this road will take me, I want to know your plan and its outcome and at the same time I know that is not time to know it yet, that I must wait and trust that it will all come out right, that you will make sure that I'm ok like you always have, that you will make sure I remain focused and free of distractions so that I can get there without getting lost on the way.
I know all of this but even though I am part of you, I have chosen to live here in the human form, forgetting everything that my soul knows in order to learn new things.
The human part of me will always be curious, will always be impatient, will always have a bit of jealousy, and most of all will always be afraid, so I ask you to renew my faith once more, I give you my human emotions and will let you fill me up with faith and strength to keep going, to not give up, because I know I am very close and I know I am on the right path, I know I have worked hard and the next step is to just trust myself, to not fill my head with doubt, to block those that will use their doubts and try to fill me up with fear, to block those that will try to make me doubt what I know and have learned from you the one that can see it all, those that will try to make me doubt the gifts you have given me. Yes they can still be my friends but I must understand that they will not understand my gifts, mostly because they don't believe, and I can't ask them of expect them to understand of believe, therefore I must continue to trust myself but must learn to block the doubts, I know you are guiding me every day and I know that whatever it is that's you have chosen for me will be the best all I gotta do is keep working towards it.
I also ask you for the strength that it takes to realize that I must rest, because one cannot just work all the time and not rest, I need to rest in order to gain control of my thoughts and for them to not be changed into doubts, I know that you will make sure I rest one way or the other, but I want to learn to rest before I am made to rest, before illness comes my way and you force me to rest.
I also wanted to thank you, to thank you for allowing me to love the way I do, for letting that amazing feeling grow inside me, especially for allowing me to accept and love those close to me without asking for love in return, thank you for letting my heart be free of negative feelings I know you are the one that showed me how and I wanted to thank you for that even though I know you know I'm thankful. :)

If you'd let me...

Life has been a little hard sometimes, which has turned me a little cold, but deep inside I am full of love.
If you'd let me I would love you more than anyone could, I would care for you more than anyone would.
If you'd let me I would be the best friend you ever had, the one who would not leave your side, that friend that would always be there no matter what.
I know it seems odd to say all this after so long but if you'd let me show you I know one day you would not want to let me go.
If you'd let me show you, you could see that I'm the one for you, if you'd let me love you and care for you, you'd know I was telling the truth.
Too bad pride always gets in the way, because if I could tell you all this to your face maybe it would make a difference one day.
I'm sorry I was so cold and distant, it was not my intent, just know that I do love you and I wish you the best.