Saturday, October 26, 2013

That's when she learned that people don't help you out without expecting anything in return.  Yes, she did that, she would go through hell and back to help a friend, and as she thought about it more she realized how from the moment she could remember, there were times when she stopped eating just so that a friend could eat and she thought how she never asked for anything from them.  But what did she ever get from giving so much? Most would say nothing, however she always had the satisfaction that she helped someone, that she put a smile on someone's face even if it cost her tears.
Not everyone is like her, in fact people that think like that are very few, it's not really that the acts are selfless because you always get some sort of reward from them but the majority of people help out in an attempt to control the other person's life, or in an attempt to have a "one day they will be able to return the favor" card.
These expectations are what end up making all these people angry, because when the other person does not do as they expected or anticipated, or they don't get to control the other person's life like they wanted to then disappointment sets in and with that all these other emotions arise, and suddenly they start thinking irrationally and because of that people end up doing things that they would have not otherwise done had they just given help without any expectation.  And that is exactly what happened, she was expected to do something in a certain way and when she didn't then they all turned on her, they tried to find whatever they could so that they could bring her down and take her child, or at least keep her where she was.
That's when it was time to run again...
But then what? Does she keep running? Or was it then time to go ahead and figure it out on her own? Was this a way she was being told that there is no such thing as truly selfless acts and that people were not really good and the ones that are or might be truly of good character are extremely hard to find, those that were like her or maybe just a bit similar, did not really exist in large quantities, therefore she needed to realize that she was alone, and the rest of the road she needed to walk on her own, no one else was allowed, not if she wanted it done her way anyway...
That's the hardest lesson she had to learn, to be alone, no support from anyone but herself, sometimes moral support from her grandmother but let's face it, when she talks to her grandmother she has to be strong, pretend that she believes wholeheartedly that everything will be fine in the end even when inside she is completely crumbling and falling apart, even when all she wants to do is cry until she falls asleep and she is wishing that someone was there not to talk but just to hold her.
Being alone was not easy, especially not with a child, and some would say well you are not really alone, you have a baby, a baby that fills you with joy and laughter, and yes she realized that was true but she was referring to a different kind of company.
As the months passed her life welcomed old friends, but she was not as trusting anymore, how could she be? The very people that she was supposed to be able to trust with all she got, they broke that trust in the worst possible way, they schemed behind her back, and then when she found out about it they blamed it all on her so much so that for a while and even in the present moment she felt like maybe it was all her fault...
But that's absurd, one cannot control the actions of others, one can only control their own actions, and sometimes even our own actions are not able to be controlled because they are a jerk reaction to a feeling and it's difficult to control a feeling, whether is anger or excitement, if it is true it is hard to not react in a bad way, something that later on she decided that she would work on....


No comments:

Post a Comment