Time passed and there she was now she was a nanny, taking care of 3 beautiful kids as well as her own, the woman was also a single mom that had a similar situation happened to her, with a drug addict ex-husband that just kept going deeper and deeper into the hole, however he was sort of still around, so that was a difference...
The woman she worked for, EC, was having an affair with a married man, EC thought she was absolutely in love with him, and that he would leave his wife for her, because he would tell her that all was doomed, there was no fixing the marriage and he could not leave her just yet because he wanted to make sure his child was going to be fine and wanted to leave them with a good amount of money...
This had gone on for a couple of years, but she met EC right in the middle of this relationship and one day when EC told her that she wanted to have a Valentine's Day dinner with her boyfriend and that the kids needed to be out of the house during the time they usually took a nap and because her boyfriend could not come any other time, and of course he couldn't, he was married and his wife, even though they had problems as he stated and it was all over (pure lies) was waiting for him at home so that they could have their Valentine's Day dinner.
In a way she felt sad for EC, a woman that is so pretty and had so much potential and could really find someone to actually make a life with was wasting her time with someone that deep down she knew that would never leave his family, and every time they talked about it she would tell her that she thought that would never happen....
And of course it wouldn't, and if it did happen how would she ever feel about it later on, would she ever think that this guy would cheat on her too? I mean that is how any woman would feel at some point, you would have to live with that for the length of the relationship....
Anyhow, she realized after a few months that EC really was not emotionally ready for a real relationship, she had not gotten over the hurt and pain that she was caused by someone that had broken her trust in the worst way possible, and when that happens well... It's hard to trust again so it is easier to have meaningless relationships with people that you know will never become anything serious because they are already "serious" with someone else.
That made perfect sense, it was not something she would ever do, because a married man should respect that small piece of paper that states that he will be loyal to the other person that is signing it, if at some point they drift apart, or grow apart then they should separate and move on before jumping into a new relationship, or what's worse, cheat with someone... What if that someone they cheated on was their true love, how can you possibly ever get the necessary respect from that person after they at one point realize how you were capable of cheating with them and breaking a promise, is that really a good way to start?
Anyhow, we are getting off the subject now, and I just realized that I never told you this girl's name, which up until now it was ok because we had not mentioned any other women in the story so whenever we said she, everyone knew we were referring to her, but now to not confuse you, well her name is PJ.
Now PJ knew that she was not a saint, she was anything but a saint, and it was not like she had never been with a guy that had a relationship with someone else, in her case though the guy was not married, he just had a girlfriend and when he saw PJ again, because they knew each other from high school, well... he had just started to date this other girl, however that does not excuse the behavior but in reality she did not want anything serious and she really did not have time for a relationship and knowing that with this guy the most she would ever be also because they lived in different cities was friends well... she formed a weird relationship that turned out to be a good friendship.
With that said, after that Valentine's Day that EC told her to go ahead a take the kids and PJ felt that it was not something she should be doing, especially because the kids had already gotten into a routine and they needed that routine and it shouldn't be changed for something or in this case someone that was obviously lying to both women he was with, and he seriously was not worth it anymore, 2 years had gone by and for EC nothing had changed so what is a woman to do? Keep wishing that the person she "loves" will leave his family for her? Anyhow, that Valentine's Day marked the ending of the relationship that she had with EC, after that she had no job and had no where to live because she was a live-in nanny for EC.
And this is where her world started to crumble a bit again...

That's when she learned that people don't help you out without expecting anything in return.  Yes, she did that, she would go through hell and back to help a friend, and as she thought about it more she realized how from the moment she could remember, there were times when she stopped eating just so that a friend could eat and she thought how she never asked for anything from them.  But what did she ever get from giving so much? Most would say nothing, however she always had the satisfaction that she helped someone, that she put a smile on someone's face even if it cost her tears.
Not everyone is like her, in fact people that think like that are very few, it's not really that the acts are selfless because you always get some sort of reward from them but the majority of people help out in an attempt to control the other person's life, or in an attempt to have a "one day they will be able to return the favor" card.
These expectations are what end up making all these people angry, because when the other person does not do as they expected or anticipated, or they don't get to control the other person's life like they wanted to then disappointment sets in and with that all these other emotions arise, and suddenly they start thinking irrationally and because of that people end up doing things that they would have not otherwise done had they just given help without any expectation.  And that is exactly what happened, she was expected to do something in a certain way and when she didn't then they all turned on her, they tried to find whatever they could so that they could bring her down and take her child, or at least keep her where she was.
That's when it was time to run again...
But then what? Does she keep running? Or was it then time to go ahead and figure it out on her own? Was this a way she was being told that there is no such thing as truly selfless acts and that people were not really good and the ones that are or might be truly of good character are extremely hard to find, those that were like her or maybe just a bit similar, did not really exist in large quantities, therefore she needed to realize that she was alone, and the rest of the road she needed to walk on her own, no one else was allowed, not if she wanted it done her way anyway...
That's the hardest lesson she had to learn, to be alone, no support from anyone but herself, sometimes moral support from her grandmother but let's face it, when she talks to her grandmother she has to be strong, pretend that she believes wholeheartedly that everything will be fine in the end even when inside she is completely crumbling and falling apart, even when all she wants to do is cry until she falls asleep and she is wishing that someone was there not to talk but just to hold her.
Being alone was not easy, especially not with a child, and some would say well you are not really alone, you have a baby, a baby that fills you with joy and laughter, and yes she realized that was true but she was referring to a different kind of company.
As the months passed her life welcomed old friends, but she was not as trusting anymore, how could she be? The very people that she was supposed to be able to trust with all she got, they broke that trust in the worst possible way, they schemed behind her back, and then when she found out about it they blamed it all on her so much so that for a while and even in the present moment she felt like maybe it was all her fault...
But that's absurd, one cannot control the actions of others, one can only control their own actions, and sometimes even our own actions are not able to be controlled because they are a jerk reaction to a feeling and it's difficult to control a feeling, whether is anger or excitement, if it is true it is hard to not react in a bad way, something that later on she decided that she would work on....

Why my favorite Disney movie is my favorite Disney movie...

A few weeks ago I was talking to a friend about our favorite Disney movies, his is Alice in Wonderland, when I asked why he liked that movie so much he gave me a very deep explanation as to why, now I don't quite remember his exact words but it got me thinking about why my favorite Disney movie is in fact my favorite Disney movie....

I used to think that it was because it was just a movie filled with so much magic and the idea of riding on a magic carpet ride was absolutely amazing, with that said though in the past couple of days I've realized the true meaning behind my fascination with Aladdin, I see a lot of myself in Princess Jasmine, not that I think I am a princess but I was sort of raised like she was...

I was raised by my grandmother, a woman that because of her age she had different views of the world, she was very protective and during my childhood was during the time where more crimes were being committed, especially those involving kidnapping, murder and rape, now during the time she was a teenager, and the time she raised my father the crime rate was not as high as it was when I was growing up, therefore she kept me and my cousin at arm's length, we could not leave the house without either her or my aunt, we could not watch TV, except for a very few shows that she would allow, and more than anything we were not allowed to go to any of our friends' house without them knowing exactly who their parents were and after they had made sure that they knew their parents for a while or they were going to be with us there.

Then once I grew older and went to live with my father I was placed on a different bubble, now I was in a new country, one were people use and sell drugs like there is nothing, especially teenagers, I was in high school and my father even though he knew a lot about certain things he was never aware of the specific kind of drugs people can get addicted to, so what was I told: Stay away, never go anywhere where you smell marijuana, never go anywhere you see someone sniffing something because that could be cocaine or heroine, other than that nothing else existed...

Then when it came to music and different shows that I would watch, it was all about what my father listened to, I did not have to asked who singed the song, all I did was listened to it and because I listened to it so many times I liked it, most times I never even paid attention to the lyrics, and so I grew up knowing and loving what he loves and if I ever tried to like something that he did not like then I would get this look like I was listening to the worst kind of music in the world so it became that I just went with his flow. This last part was true for almost anything I ever wanted to do, it had to have an approval by someone not just me and if it was not approved then I was not allowed to try it... Now this was great for when it came to not doing drugs and not drinking or smoking, things like that but for others I think I missed out... 

Jasmine was kind of "protected" in the same way, she lived in a palace and she was not allowed to leave said palace, she could not go out and look at the world, she wanted to experience all of it but because she was a princess she was told she couldn't and then all she ever had was her garden and fountain and her loyal friend Rajah, with whom she spent most of her time.  She had all these rules as to what she could and could not do then she had to get married, had to pick a husband, and she had to wait for the princes to come and propose to her, she could not go out and meet them.

So what did she do one day? She escapes in hopes of seeing the world on her own and learning about it, more than what books can tell you because nothing beats experience, so in her first encounter she ends up getting into trouble because she grabs an apple and gives her to a little boy, she was never taught that in the outside world things were not just given like in her palace, in the real world there was an exchange of money for goods or services, and she gets into trouble.  Then Aladdin comes into the picture, the free spirited guy, the one that is street smart and does whatever he wants because well he does not live in a palace, but he wants to, he wants to live there because there is security there, there is no need to steal to survive, or work hard in order to get a small piece of bread at the end of the day.

Aladdin rescues Jasmine from getting her hands cut because she stole the apple and they manage to escape, neither knowing who the other one is, two people from opposite worlds and they fall in love... of course right? that's how every Disney movie plays out, but see for me this is the perfect love story, Jasmine who is a princess that knows nothing about the world falls for Aladdin, a street rat as they call him that knows probably a little too much, and so when he becomes a prince and he takes her for a magic carpet ride he promises to show her the world, that world she has not seen because she has been confined to a palace all her life and that's why she loves him so much, because there in front of her is a person that can show her all that she had been missing out, someone she can learn from and that can help her grow as a person, because with him she could actually experience things she has not experience before. And in turn he was someone she could teach about her world, a world he was going to eventually be introduced, and that he falsely thought was better than his. 

And see that's why that movie is my favorite one, because as I grew older I realized how much I did not know about the world even though I always thought I did, with my ex-husband I learned that the only drugs people get addicted to are not just cocaine and heroine, but there is also meth, and prescription drugs and over the counter drugs that people use to get high, and there are different ways they take the drugs and I learned that a drug addict is only dangerous not when they are high but when that high starts to go away and they are unable to find anything to get to that point again, all of this is something my father did not know either and even now he does not really pay attention to it, or has the desire to learn more about something that is so controversial and that now a days every parent should know so that they can truly explain it to their kids rather than say it is a forbidden thing which usually ends up making them want to do it even more... 

With music, my little sister was the one that would introduce me to new kinds of music, she had more freedom as to what she listened to, in between her friends at school and going back and forth with her mother and my father's attempt to actually build a bond with her so he would be introduced to her music too, that's all I ever really was exposed to, so yeah now a days I have learned a lot more about it than I used to, still don't really pay attention to who sings the song or who wrote it, but I focus more on taking it all in and actually taking in the melody as well as the lyrics and see what I actually like and what I am in the mood for...

And as far as having a prince, well... what can I say, as a little girl and even now as an adult when I daydream and romanticize about things that will never happen but that make me smile, I realize I don't really want a prince, I want a diamond in the rough, someone that knows a lot about the world, especially about things I don't know about, because then we could learn from each other and grow together, find a balance, like Aladdin and Jasmine did. 

Ohh a girl can only dream... right?? :) 

How I found me again....

It's funny how sometimes we never think that we will ever feel like we don't know ourselves anymore, we get depressed and unhappy, we lose that joy we used to have and if we cannot find that "light" we naturally have we then feel lost.
I felt like that for quite sometime, in between all the stress from work, finances, new schedules, new adventures and having new people around, it is amazing how all of it combined can become so darn overwhelming that you just don't know where to go and sometimes don't even know what to do, I even got to the point where I was starting to feel lonely, I had forgotten what that word was, the last time I felt like that was when I was living with my husband and it wasn't until I left him that I did not feel whole again, I never understood that, I mean how do you feel so alone when you have someone by your side?
This past weekend I realized why, it was not such a bad thing and it was not a great realization either but it helped find myself again... So here is what I have realized....
In the past few weeks I have probably been surrounded by an extreme amount of people that have offered in one way or another to help out whenever I need, my usual self would just never even take a second look at those offers, I would just always not expect anything from anyone but myself because in the end you can't really control what other people do but you sure as hell can control what you do, so why ever put any expectation that one person or a group of people would ever do anything for you, why expect them to be there at all??? whether it is for them to be there for moral support or because you actually need them to help you out with something?
Well a few months ago I decided maybe I should expect a little more from people, maybe I should have a little faith in them I mean all cannot be bad right? Maybe one of them will really truly come through for me so I decided that I was gonna give them all a chance... well I guess in my head, my brain was not set to also just not get disappointed when they did not come through because in reality they owed me nothing, they did not have to offer any help and they did not have to help me out at all, but I guess the fact that I figured maybe it was gonna be different brought me more disappointment than I thought I would have ever gotten...
And that's when it started, that was the beginning of me becoming completely and absolutely lost, depressed and the beginning of me feeling like I was never going to find my light again....
I hated feeling like that, mostly because I know negativity is contagious and now I had all these different people around me and I really did not want them to end up in the same rut I was in.  A lot of time was spent thinking what the heck happen, where did I go wrong and what did I do to feel this way? Then a lot of things started piling up: bills, personal issues and finally what always ends up happening when you are being negative and end up stressing out: I got sick!!!
The tiredness, the sleepless nights, the stress, all of it added up to horrible migraines that lasted weeks!!!! It's amazing how much your body is affected by stress, it can literally kill you!
It was not until the end of week number four of terrible migraines that I realized what had happened, that was when I was so darn dizzy, throwing up every time I got up, I could barely walk from the pain and even the pain killers did absolutely nothing but seemed to make the migraine worse... That third day of this I was laying in bed, crying from the pain because it was extreme, I mean the pain was so bad that I would have rather thrown myself off a balcony than keep feeling it, I called those that had once offered help, I knew then I needed it, I really needed help, I had reached my limit, I could not stand the pain and everything I had tried has not worked, I needed to go to the hospital and someone needed to take me because I could barely walk and I did not think I would have survived a bus ride.
So that's when I started calling people, I could not stand the light of my phone at all, that's how bad it was, but everyone was either busy or did not answer... I cried some more, this time because that lonely feeling filled me up, my daughter was not with me, and I felt like there was no one around that would force me to be strong for, it is amazing how your kids feed you so much power, so much strength! So I kept crying and in my crying I asked God, the universe, the Spirit, whatever it is that you might call it, I asked why I felt this way, I asked why was I so alone? I asked why everyone was not around when I really needed them??? And then the answer hit me! It was like I was hearing someone loud and clear telling me: What do you mean you are so alone? You have always been on your own, never have you needed anyone and the times you have needed someone you have gotten someone there... That's when I called 911 and asked for help, one of the scariest things I have had to do because I feel like even though it was an emergency there should have been another way for me to get there, but there really wasn't so it was my last resort.  I got to the hospital and the doctor thought it could be something more serious than a migraine so they did a CAT scan and a lumbar puncture, that last one hurt so much, they pretty much put me to sleep when  I got there but for the lumbar puncture I had to be awake and all I gotta say is: THAT HURT!!! and while I was sitting there having a needle inserted in my back, I thought once again how nice it would be for me to have someone I loved and that cared about me there holding my hand making me feel safe, and how much I probably needed that at that moment, but then it hit me again!!! This is was not the first time you have gone through something like this and it is not gonna be the last time even though I secretly hope that it is, I really hope that I don't get a migraine that is that bad again, but hell if I do, I know I can take care of it myself!
I was alone and once again I felt lonely and I started missing those who had really been there for me before and who had actually kept their word when it came to that, and then I realized how the times I really needed someone there was always someone there, so this time maybe I did not need anyone and that was ok, it was ok because it reminded me of how strong I can be, how even when I am scared to death I somehow find it within me to keep going, how I always figured things out on my own, even without my daughter because one day she will leave and will have her own life and that's ok, that is how things are supposed to be, we are born alone and we die alone and any company we are ever able to get it's just supposed to be added joy.
The next day, even though my back was still hurting but I was glad it was just a really bad migraine, I found my light once again, that light I had lost when I put my faith in other people and not myself, that light that had been slowly turned off by every disappointment I have had in the past few months, and each one of them is no one's fault except mine... Yes, my fault for expecting more from people, rather than continue to not expect much and just be extremely delighted and surprised if they actually did anything, my fault for forgetting that the only person that has the power and that can make a true difference in my own life is me and no one else, my fault for allowing others to make me feel this way because in the end you are in charge of how you feel and while you are allowed to feel angry, sad, depressed, etc, you have the power to not allow it to consume you to the point of making you so sick...
Yes, I still have a ton of things to figure out, I still have a lot of things to get used to, yes there is still a lot of things that will cause stress in my life, but there is one thing I know for sure: I don't need anyone to help me out, I wanted people around but I learned that is not always possible, and while this is sort of a sad realization because some will say how sad it is that you have lost your faith in others, I say yeah it is sad and probably if they all knew that I am not expecting anything from them anymore, that I really don't expect them to ever come through for me, and I really don't think they care that much and if they do well that's great, maybe they would be disappointed in me but you know what? That's ok, because that would be their own feelings to deal with, they would not be mine.
In the meantime I will continue to be the person I know I am, the one that can pull through anything that is thrown at her and that will always be there for everyone not just promising that I will be there for those that I love, but actually being there when they want me there, because I know that the times they need me around I know for sure I will be there, that's the kind of person I am, and I truly hope I don't ever forget it again, life always puts you in certain situations not to make you stronger but to remind you of how strong you really are and now I can start working on climbing out of the hole I had fallen into and I can't wait to get completely out of it one step at the time!!! :)

So there she was now at her father's house, she felt like there was a big weight lifted off her, finally she was out of that place and could start over.  To her this was a sign that she was getting a second chance, this time no mistakes would be made, no rushing into something just because it was something she wanted, no telling what she wanted until she found out what the other person wanted, this way she would make sure that the other person wouldn't try to become what she wanted but would learn to be themselves and then she could feel like she truly knew them.
She reconnected with old friends, for six months or so her life was total hell, her husband was making sure of it.  She prayed and prayed to the universe, she begged for that one deal that she had made to come true, that if he was not going to be the best father for her child then he would be taken away and he would not bother her anymore, but why was it that it was not happening, why this man was still around causing hurt and pain? She decided to fight back, but that took her no where, it was more like giving him something to fight about and the more she fought the more power he would get.  Could it be possible that this man was getting more energy from her fighting him back?
One day as she just could not take it anymore she decided it was time to stop this was not something she would win, it was just something that needed to run its course so it did and eventually he was gone.
Trouble at the house she was in started, her father always trying to give his opinion on how to raise her child, her stepmother did the same and one day a fight broke off; by this time she had learned that she should not fight back, that she should just stay quiet and listen, and if things were bad she could always walk away and say I just need a moment for myself.  Unfortunately her father never cared about anyone else, how they felt or how they had learned to handle a confrontation and anger, all he knew was how to yell, insult and finally hit when neither of the first two worked to get a reaction.  That day her father's words were: If you think you have it bad, I am your worst nightmare.
How could a father say that to his own kid, no matter how mad they are and after they have hit them to the point of making her dizzy and a bit disoriented.  She was puzzled, confused and emotionless.  Her cousin came to take her to her house, it was time to leave dad's house, it was not safe anymore.  All her things were packed and off they went, a new beginning once again life changed her plans, no longer would she stay at her father's house and finish school and possibly find that one guy that would actually love her for her and not just a guy that wanted to rescue her.  A guy that could talk to her for hours and that would help her make sense of her craziness.  A guy that was respectful and loyal, one that not only loved her but that would love her child as his own, because she knew that she had picked the wrong dad for her baby girl, and in the end a dad is not the one whose DNA is running through your veins but the one that raises you and cares for you.  The baby was still a baby and there was time, there was time to meet someone and have that family she always wanted, or maybe, she thought, this was the chance to be with MD, he had contacted her and every few months they would chat, but there was a lot going on and she felt that he was just allowing her to figure it all out.  But maybe all of that was her daydreaming of the man she thought to be perfect for her, it was amazing how that thought kept her going, he never realized how important he turned out to be in her life.
After a couple of months she accepted an offer from MR's mother, she offered to help her with an apt and help her with the baby so she could work, so in an attempt to find a better place for her and her child she decided to go for it, why not? nothing ventured, nothing gained right? Probably one of the worst decisions she made once again, but can you blame her for wanting something better for her and her child?

And so it was that she decided it was time to move on, she enjoyed the few times she was with him and so long as she had those memories nothing else really mattered, so she went on with her life...
As she decides to move on, her wonderful ex boyfriend, that boy that she felt completely safe with, the one that she allowed to hold her when she cried and the last one with whom she allowed herself to feel vulnerable and free, that boy had become her friend but it was time for him to leave for months, somewhere she could not reach him anymore, not for months anyway.
During the three months he was away she met this other guy, MR (something about those Ms huh?), he came in telling her all she wanted to hear, he learned about everything she ever wanted, and so at some point he made sure to offer it, he made sure to mirror her every desire and while she knew he was lying because something always told her that he could not be trusted, she decided to just go with it.  Why? you ask, well her answer was why not? here is a man that is willing and apparently was able to give her that which was what she wanted: a home, a family, kids, a partner and a friend that she could always count on, so  why not? why not just go with it, the love would come after and who cared about trusting him, trust was not gained in one day or two, it was gained over time and so it would take time for him to earn it but even though the thoughts were that she should just run the other way she decided that she was going to ignore them because ignoring them meant she would get what she wanted right then and there, she did not want to wait any longer.
So she decided to marry him, months into the marriage she was miserable, as miserable as one should expect to be when you are with someone you don't love and that you really don't know.  That's when she learned the first important lesson of her life: people can say or type whatever they want, they can tell you how much they love you, they can tell you how much inspiration you bring to them, they can say how much you make them want to become a better person, but showing all of that... that's the difficult part.
Showing how much you care about someone, becoming a better person than you were yesterday, showing how much you love someone, that's the hardest part for people to do especially when it's all not real, when all of it is a lie.  Sure at the beginning of everything all is exciting, all is fun, and all is perfect, but soon enough the true colors show, it's just a matter of time before people become comfortable enough with each other and start thinking that now the other person depends on the other's company, and that's when the little quirks, the little annoyances come out, and when they do the fights start.  The wrongful thought that you will always be there for the other one just because you have gotten accustomed to their company, because at that point even their little and big annoyances could eventually be disregarded and then you could just live life without any arguments, that is the thought that ends up making people miserable.  There comes a day when you realize that there are certain things that you just can't overlook, that there are certain things that you want to change about the other person, and then you get another fun idea: what if I could change them? they love me enough, or what if I could give up all that I ever wanted for them because I love them enough... The worst thing a person could say to themselves is that they can change another person, if you cannot accept the person you are with with all their faults, all their quirks, all their annoyances, if you can't overlook that, don't think you can change them, and don't try to change them; they deserve to be with someone that accepts them for who they are, the way they are that laughs at their annoyances, that think "this is the most annoying thing they can do but even though I would mind it if someone else did it, I don't mind it when he/she does it."
Lesson learned, and then she was ready to pack up and leave, and so it was that she was to save money within a couple of months and then she would pack up all her things and move on, but then she got sick and ended up in the hospital, only to find out that her sickness was not really her being sick it was what normally happened during the first trimester of pregnancy, what to do now? That's when she thought she was getting one of her wishes, she was going to have her baby.  Immediately she knew it would be a girl, but how would it work? having a kid with a guy she was constantly arguing with, a guy she did not love.
She asked God, the universe, the Spirit as she calls it, to make it so that if this guy was going to be a great father for her child that her heart would open up and she would start loving him like anyone deserves to be loved and she would accept him how he was, but if that man was going to turn out to be a bad father for her child then that guy would go away, he would walk away just in time for her child to never have known him so that her child would never suffer.
When she was 5 months pregnant she realized this guy that she married was a drug addict, he said he would change, he said that he was going to be better, he said he wanted to leave that habit, that it was not as bad so it would be easy to leave behind, so as a good wife she stuck it out, she believed him this time.  She believed that he really wanted to change, but then she realized how easy it was for people to fake change, to make believe they were someone that they really weren't and how the more questions she asked the more they were reminded that they had something to hide so the more they would hide it.
Months passed and everything seemed to be going fine, the baby was born and once she stopped working again, things started to turn south, MR had not stop taking drugs and slowly but surely things were being lost, small appliances in the house, her car, their apartment.  When the baby was almost 9 months old, she found herself living with her husband in a room that they rented from someone else, having to wait for days just so that he would actually buy enough food for her to eat, then the money would be gone again and days passed before they could eat properly again.  All of that though to her was the very small of what was not working in the relationship, the main thing was that she was not in love, she had learned to care a little bit for him and maybe even loved him in a way, let's face it thanks to him she had her first baby, so she could not hate him but she was not madly in love with him either, and as the days progressed and things kept getting worse and worse she started to wonder more and more, that feeling of distrust came back to her, and the unhappiness filled her life.
For weeks she tried to figure out how to leave, it was time, she found out how much more money her husband was truly spending on drugs and at that point she realized that he did not really loved her either, it was all a scam but not one that surprised her.  All those times when he said to her how much he could accomplish with her by his side, how much inspiration she gave him, how much joy she brought him, how he would be patient because he understood her, all lies.  Anyhow, once she found out how much bigger the drug problem was, she planned out her "escape", and I say escape because by then she felt like a prisoner, she had no phone, no car, no money, but the hope she had that there was something better waiting for her if she could only leave that's what gave her the courage to finally pack her bags and go.  She really had no one to turn to except for her daddy, so she called him and he came, something she did not expect but that in a way happened just because she was truly in need.

Where were we?
Ahh yes, so she left that one boy, the one that held her while she cried but that decided at some point to grow apart from her, so what now? She had met another one, the one that gave her butterflies in her stomach, something she had never really felt before, something she thought could never happen, maybe this time we shall give that boy a name, let's call him MD.
She met him at her new job, they did not really work together but the circumstances somehow always ended up making both of them a pair, this was during the time she still had her innocence, the time when she thought everyone was good, that no one had bad intentions.  The time when she thought everyone wanted to be a true friend and this new boy, he was something, he caught her eye, he made her smile just because he existed.
MD was someone she could not possibly ever explain, how could she? How do you explain to the world that you just met someone and you felt that you have known them for your entire life, that you know how they would react, how they would respond to certain things, it was impossible without ever having one talk with said person.
But there was something there, she knew, there was something more there, and it felt like he felt the same way.  One day he hugged her and she had never felt safer than when he held her, he was her big knight, the one that came to rescue her and just take her away, the one that would see her as a partner and that would think that with her by his side he could be the best of everything and she would have that drive to become the best she has ever been, because with him next to her any work, any struggle would be all worth it.
Weeks passed and finally she stopped working there, that night her old boyfriend had come to be with her, she was down and she did not know what she would do, she had just lost her job and the reasons behind it were some that she could not understand, because to her everyone was still good, so why would all of it had happened??? The truth was that there are bad people in the world and this was a lesson she had learned in a very tough way.
Anyhow, that same night MD called her and asked her to hang out for the very first time, ohh what a joyous call, she got up, got dressed and left, he was drunk but she did not care, it was her chance to spend time with him so she did.  When she got to his house he was wearing this fabulous slippers, very similar to the ones she had in the trunk of her car and playing Guitar Hero, she thought to herself that this man was more fun than she ever thought.
He looked at her that night and he had the biggest smile, his eyes seemed to showed that this was it, that he had it all right there because she was there, he did not need anything more, now that she goes back to it she realizes it was probably the buzz from him drinking that gave him that look.  They talked for hours that night, ended up kissing gently, the best kisses she has ever had, and she fell asleep on his arms, she was in heaven, the conversations they had, from making plans from being together, the best part of it all was when he used the words we and put it together with will work.  A true partner she thought! But how naive of her to believe in drunken words.
The sun came up and every time she would move he would hold her tighter, like he was afraid of letting her go, what a wonderful feeling to have someone that wouldn't want you to leave that is happy you are there, someone in whose arms you fit perfectly and because you fit perfectly you were always comfortable.  What a wonderful and grand night that was, but just like everything it came to an end, the next day once he got up he made believe like nothing happened, walked her to her car and said bye, so she left and did not hear from him for a few months.
After a couple of months a call comes in, almost 2am, and it's him!!! What a wonderful surprise maybe after all he did want her, but he was drunk again, what did it mean? The last time that happened nothing more than kissing and talking had happened so was it really what people said that alcohol is liquid courage and he was just saying what he was unable to say when he was sober? The first night he did this and she was at his house she saw a self help book, she always thought that maybe he was a real introvert and very shy, maybe that's why he called only when he was drunk.  Once again, how naive of her!!!
She drove to meet him because he was an hour away from where she was and she could not let him drive that whole way while he was drunk, because if something were to happen to him, she could never forgive herself.  She drove and met him, then she followed behind him until they got to her place, a hotel room in a hotel that was right next to the place where they both used to work at.  He parked his car and once he got off the car and saw her he gave her the biggest hug of all, one of those hugs that makes you feel wanted, missed and pretty much tell you that other person does not ever want to let you go, a hugged that can only be described as a hug of love.
That was another night of talk, another night of them making plans, most of which came from him, but that fell through, because the next morning he picked up and left, just sneaked out the door.  She called him and until now she does not remember what he said but he was very cold and distant, she did not hear from him for another two months.
A couple of months went by and she had changed rooms at the hotel she was living at, now she was facing the place where they used to work together, one day she looked out the window and saw him standing right in front of where her car was parked.  He was talking to a customer when she decided to press the panic button of her car keys, the alarm went off and the boy was looking all over and seemed to have gotten completely distracted, she was looking at him and suddenly she sees him look up, she was by her window and decided to duck down and hide, she laughed.  What a wonderful little game she had played that day, she knew he would call her that night, and so he did, it was past midnight and her phone rang, it was him and he asked her if she was still in the same city, then asked her if about the car that had an alarm go off earlier that day, he wanted to know if it was hers.  She smiled, she was just a kid then and most times she did not know how to respond to anything but after that one conversation she decided it was time to move on, she was talking to a guy that only seemed to want to talk to her when he was drunk and then if they saw each other nothing really ever happened and so she always wondered what he really wanted and what was holding him back.